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What purpose do our sexual fantasies serve?

There are many reasons why we might fantasise, from wish-fulfilment and mastery of trauma to self-medication against pain, to the elaboration of childhood play. For many, fantasies remain an unending source of fun and enjoyment; for others, they are a constant reminder of early injuries. For many, fantasies will provide pleasure and pain simultaneously.

Does everybody have sexual fantasies?

According to psychoanalytical clinicians, everyone has unconscious fantasy structures — in other words, subterranean tendencies to have certain preferences or to act in certain predictable ways (sadistically, masochistically, depressively, and so forth). In most adults, these unconscious fantasy structures will find representation in our conscious sexual fantasies, which occur during masturbation or during intercourse with a partner. According to the British Sexual Fantasy Research Project, at least 90 per cent of all British adults will experience daydreams, which may or may not be sexual. As for sexual fantasies, the data reveals that approximately 96 per cent of British adult males and about 90 per cent of females report having sexual fantasies. These may well be conservative figures, as I have met many individuals over the years who profess, on first questioning, to have no sexual fantasies but later, often during the course of psychotherapy, will admit to fantasising in a sexual manner.

Should we ever share our fantasies with our partners?

I cannot provide a definitive answer to this most complex of questions. There are cases where partners seem to have benefited from having discussed their sexual fantasies with one another, but some couples experienced great distress on learning of one another’s truest fantasies. Some couples have claimed that risking self-disclosure about such intimate matters promotes further emotional trust and union. Much will depend, of course, on the preexisting strength of the couple’s attachment to one another. Above all, one must proceed with thoughtfulness.

Should we ever share our fantasies with our friends?

Often, it might feel rather less exposing and rather more manageable to share fantasies with friends than with partners. I know of many men, for example, who would not hesitate to talk about extramarital affairs or rape fantasies with their friends at a Friday-night poker game, but who would never dream of discussing such fantasies with their female partners for fear of causing outrage or offence. Similarly, I have interviewed a number of women who have shared fantasies with their girlfriends, particularly those involving men with extremely large genitals, but who would not impart this to their husbands or boyfriends for fear of promoting feelings of inadequacy. Although entrusting one’s fantasies to a friend may be an act of great faith and may serve to enrich the friendship, one must remember that friendships can, and often do, sour, sometimes promoting paranoid anxieties that promises of confidentiality will be broken along with the friendship.

Can our fantasies ever be damaging or dangerous?

In some instances, sadistic fantasies can serve as stepping stones to sadistic actions. My colleagues and I in the forensic mental health field know of many cases of patients whose criminal careers began in their own minds. Once, years ago, I had the opportunity to interview a psychotic serial killer in a maximum-security setting. I learnt that before his incarceration this man could make love to his wife only if he fantasised about clutching a switchblade knife. Some years previously he had embarked on a killing spree, using a knife as his weapon, causing carnage. Of course, not all examples will be nearly as dramatic as this, but nonetheless fantasies can damage us by reinforcing self-destructive patterns of behaviour and thought.

Would it be wise to act out our sexual fantasies with our lovers?

Acting out fantasies requires a great deal of compassion, creativity and trust on behalf of the partnership, and I have seen a number of marriages founder when such role-plays have gone awry. Certainly psychotherapists would recommend much consideration before enacting a sexual fantasy scenario, bearing in mind that a fantasy and a reality might be experienced rather differently. One must also be prepared for some surprises. I recently interviewed a woman who indulged her husband’s wish to spank her and call her a “bitch”. When the husband described the potential scenario, the wife became excited and offered her consent. But when the couple actually brought this fantasy to life, the wife felt “cheapened” and “revolted” and deeply regretted her decision. For many, the fantasy excites precisely because it will never be enacted.

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