Sally and James, both 32, have been trying for a baby for 12 months while
leading busy lives and working long hours. With every failed attempt, Sally
has grown more frantic and controlling, sapping every last ounce of
spontaneity and enjoyment out of sex. Meanwhile, James is increasingly
resentful about his baby-making duties and feels that the fun sex they once
enjoyed has become simply baby sex.
He feels that the constant pressure to get Sally pregnant has taken over their
lives. “I keep telling her to relax and it will happen,” he says. “I can’t
cope with the constant reminder that we are trying for a baby. It has
consumed us. Before I’ve even opened my eyes in the morning, I hear the
bleep of the bloody thermometer, telling us when Sally has the greatest
chance of conceiving. And then there are the texts, such as the one I
received at work last week: ‘Stringy mucus, peak day, don’t be late.’ What a
turn-off. I was furious that I was expected to perform that evening. I came
home angry, so we had a big row and no sex.
“I want sex as it used to be, not the pillow-under-the-bum,
legs-in-the-air-in-case-the-sperm-falls-out kind. Sally will only do the
missionary position, because someone told her that if she goes on top, the
sperm don’t know what direction to swim in to get to the egg. And woe betide
me if I get horny when she’s not ovulating. I am to save my sperm for the
right time. It’s as though our bedroom is full of fertility experts
monitoring us, there are so many rules and regulations. I want the old Sally
back, not the baby-obsessed Sally who is on the computer, engrossed in
fertility chat rooms, when I get home every night. The worst time of all is
when her period comes. It’s all tears, depression and misery. It seems there
is nothing I can do to make it better – aside from impregnating her, of
course.”
Sally, meanwhile, feels that she is bearing the full burden of trying to
conceive. “I feel I am doing everything to get this baby: I read the books,
take the vitamins. The one thing I ask him to do is to have sex with me, and
he can’t even do that without a row. I don’t think he wants this as much as
I do. I feel he is blocking what I want by not having sex. I panic around
ovulation, as I feel I have to cajole him into having sex, and I don’t feel
at all sexy any more.”
ZITA’S ADVICE
Struggling to get pregnant is tough on both sexes. Even if you do everything
by the book to achieve a healthy pregnancy, it is not a given – which is
particularly difficult for control freaks and alpha types who believe you
can achieve anything through hard work and determination. If you view
conception as a task to be achieved, the intimacy seeps out of the
relationship and resentment sets in.
Let’s debunk some myths. First, a woman doesn’t need a cushion under her bum
to conceive. But it does help to lie flat for 20 minutes after sex (the
sexual position is irrelevant). And please don’t stare at the clock,
watching those 20 minutes pass. Instead, make the most of that blissful
postsex feeling and make this the romantic time it should be.
Second, sperm are smart. They do not fall out and they know their way to the
egg. The flow-back sensation a woman feels after sex is simply part of the
seminal fluid coming away. And, by the way, you do not have to “save up”
sperm.
Third, throw away the thermometer and temperature charts, as there is no
evidence to support their usefulness.
Sally and James are focusing so much on exactly when they should have sex that
they may miss a good part of the fertile window, the five days leading up to
ovulation. If (as they are doing) they then stop having sex for the next two
weeks, by the time James revs up again for the next window, his sperm is
likely to be old and less effective. It would be far better for them to have
sex regularly throughout the month, or for James to masturbate if they
don’t, so that his sperm is fresh.
My advice to Sally and James is to forget about making a baby for three months
and work on getting back the intimacy. As they are both so young, they can
afford to take their time before going down the IVF route. Besides, their
relationship is not strong enough at the moment to be put under the kind of
emotional strain that IVF can cause.
Getting the intimacy back does not mean Sally should share every minute detail
of her reproductive cycle. Describing her secretions is, unsurprisingly, a
turn-off. Not knowing every detail won’t mean that James is sharing in the
experience any less (I mean, women don’t generally discuss their period flow
with their boyfriends or husbands, do they?). In fact, discussions about
babies should be avoided altogether over the next three months. Sally and
James need to concentrate on connecting emotionally and on ending this war.
They need to deal with the issues they are sweeping under the carpet.
It is important that James becomes interested in sex again and isn’t simply
made to feel like a baby-making machine. For a man to have sex, he has to
have passion and desire – it seems that many men get their mistresses
pregnant more easily than their wives, because of the high testosterone
level associated with passion. Robin Baker, the author of Sperm Wars, says:
“A woman is more likely to conceive through a casual fling than through sex
with a regular partner.” Keeping sex and passion alive requires energy, so,
Sally, rest more if you need to, and use that extra energy to unleash
yourself in the bedroom.
As for James’s feelings of helplessness, he mustn’t feel it is his job to fix
things. It’s hard for a man to understand a woman’s burning desire for a
baby. The best thing James can do is be supportive and listen. Then, if,
after three months of not trying for a baby, nothing has happened, and it is
really getting Sally and James down, they should seek advice from their
doctor.
www.zitawest.com
Tonight with Trevor McDonald male-fertility special, June 8, ITV1, 8pm.
Make Me a Baby starts June 14, BBC3, 9pm
Zita West is widely recognised as London’s leading holistic pregnancy and
fertility guru, having made her name helping celebrities such as Kate
Winslet and Cate Blanchett through their pregnancies. She has been a midwife
for 25 years and is also a qualified acupuncturist and nutritional
therapist.
West runs a holistic pregnancy and fertility clinic in central London, is
the author of five books on fertility and has made numerous television
appearances. Most recently, she has collaborated with Tonight with Trevor
McDonald on a male-fertility special and with BBC3 for the forthcoming Make
Me a Baby series. One couple struggle to enjoy the baby-making process
can i get pregnant if my husband count is low ?
Kate, queens, new york
It is a mental strain on both, woman and men in a relationship, when "wanting-a-baby" and its just "not going to happen" easy for most but not all!
We have been trying to-have-a-baby now for 9years with No Luck!
We are also in the BBC3 make-me-a-baby programme on june 21st
Charles Linskaill, Edinburgh, UK
After telling our doctor we wanted a baby his advice to my husband and I was "do it every two days until you are pregnant". It took a few months (maybe four or five) but it worked.... Sure it won't work for everyone but it sure beats all that stuff they talk about, thermometers, temperatures and all.
Lisa, Wellington, New Zealand
James, please take my advice, make the most of the sun while it lasts and stop complaining about your wife pestering you for sex in order to have a baby. I had the same experience many years ago and also I was a bit resentful and took making love to my wife for granted because it was nearly a daily(or more precisely nightly) routine before she was confirmed pregnant. The tragic thing for me is since she got the only child(now 20 years old) she wanted she has lost interest in sex. I'm sure I'm not the only sex starved husband in this country because women go off sex after giving birth. I can certainly sympathies with men who cheat on their wives out of frustration. It is not something that one can discuss openly with your friends or relations. The pain and anguish of a marriage in which one partner is totally not interested or even dislikes sex while the other partner refuses to be unfaithful is very hard for people who do not have to face the horrible predicament to understand!
Wing, Poole, Dorset
I recommend the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weschler for women of all ages. I wish I'd been given a copy when I was a teenager, rather than spending years not understanding how or why my body worked the way it does. (It's also good for women trying to avoid pregnancy.) It is not the unreliable rhythm method, but scientifically proven and has helped thousands.
another one, Edinburgh,
I agree with Ivona about getting each partner checked out. I thoroughly recommend the books 'Inconcievable' and 'The Fertile Female' by Julia Indichova. She shares how she conceived naturally after being told that she would not even be a candidate for IVF because of high FSH levels. Her work is inspiring and extremely supportive for couples trying to conceive. She also has a website: http://www.fertileheart.com/p.h.main.html.
Louise, London,
Dear Sally and James
i've been there as well and i understand you perfectly. My husband and i (33 and 28 years old) have tried to have a baby for more than a year and a half and I am finally 3 months pregnant. It is important to know you are both physically able to procreate, so some tests are necessary and you must try to remove the immense pressure created, as stress produces hormonal disturbances that might prevent your baby to fix in the uterus. And as Mr babymaker suggested, holidays, wines and even adult movies might help you with that. So give yourself time and try to save your relationship.
Ivona Lupu, Timisoara, Romania
If your cycle is fairly regular, figure out how long after the start of your period you ovulate. Book a short break holiday starting one day before that day. Have a nice quiet afternoon together, a good meal with a little of your favourite wine, make love somewhere nice and fun. Next morning make love. Spend a pleasant day together, another nice meal, and make love again. Repeat the next morning, then travel home slowly enjoying the scenery. At some time during the break you will ovulate and there will be a lot of unstressed sperm lurking in the "goalmouth" to slot home the winner and you will have had a pleasant holiday to boot. It's the lack of stress and element of fun that made this work 3 times for us.
babymaker, N'ards, N.Ireland
Anyone tried using Insteads? They're menstrual cups but I've heard of women using them to help get pregnant.
David, Hants,
If only it were so easy for everybody? Logic doesn't help when you are in this situation - nor the lack of sympathy from people who found it 'easy' and have no idea what its like.
rachel, Bolton, UK
Strange that an article about a couple trying to conceive should be accompanied by a picture of a man in his mid-forties glowering at a similarly moody-looking lad in his early twenties with an Eighties-style haircut.
Somewhere else in The Times there must be a snapshot of a glum young woman and man placed above the bitter-sweet reminiscences of an ageing businessman about his doomed love for a wayward rent-boy during the latter days of the Thatcher administration.
George Parr, London, England
Difficult for me to understand this woman's perspective, even though I am a woman myself.
I never had the burning desire to have a baby - I got pregnant within 6 weeks of omitting to take birth control so never had any trouble conceiving either.
I don't understand what the rush is. You have a baby - or not - when the time is right.
Samara Snow, Kingston, Canada