It is odd that, in 2007, someone can write a book about withholding sex to bag a husband (Not Tonight, Mr Right, it’s called). Odder still that it should sell so well, as if it actually held the key to finding a man.

Then again, there is one subject that unattached females will never tire of: how not to end up single. If you are uncomfortably alone, you’re desperate for clues. If you are comfortably single, you’re still curious – lest you should ever start to panic.

The point is that women, especially those for whom time is running out in the procreation sense, are extremely vulnerable to this stuff. I should know. Having got married for the first time in my forties, I am officially the most interesting person among my own sex. At parties, I am constantly hauled over to meet single women, expressly to impart the details of my miraculous, last-minute sprint across the line. I am a freak of nature, living proof that nubile doesn’t necessarily always get the bloke. People long for a hidden secret: something I did that I hadn’t done before; a deciding factor that tipped the balance. So, here are my personal tips on how to get a man to marry you in your forties.

Don’t obsess about waxed legs and so on

It’s wrong to think you have to be a perfect size 10 before anything can happen – that way lies the shiny stiffness that men don’t like. There is a myth that confidence is about being buffed and tweaked to within an inch of your life, but actually that just creates expectation. You want to be thinking, “Hellooo, who are you?” not, “Will you notice the effort I have made, thank you?”

There is an argument that supergrooming gives you an added determination – nobody wants to waste an all-over body exfoliation and seaweed wrap – but I found that just enough is better than the works. You still feel like you, and you don’t have that pinched “someone better make this worthwhile” look.

Where to find him

The big problem for older singles is choosing what not to go to. There is nothing as dispiriting as the dinner party where you are being set up with the short-limbed biologist (apart from the dinner party where you are sitting next to two temporarily husbandless women). These experiences can drain your precious supply of positive energy – the single girl’s number-one asset, after a healthy bank account – and you have a duty to protect this at all costs.

The secret is to view your social life in three categories: slob time with friends; possible-meeting-men time, but probably not; and good-chance-of-meeting-men occasions. The first and the last you do automatically; the uncertain category is the one to avoid. On the good-chance occasions (a party, in my case), the trick is to assume, well before you even get there, that this is The Night. It generates a mix of adrenaline and pheromones that people have been trying to bottle since the beginning of time. If you go to a party in your second-hottest dress because you’re saving the other one, and you’re a bit “I can always leave after 10 minutes”, The One will look in your direction and think: “Hmm. Downer.”

Where are all the men?

They are there, but you are scaring them away by looking so grumpy and hard to please. Or you never get round to meeting them because you are too busy hanging at the bar with your old mates. Or they know about The List. They haven’t actually seen The List, but they have picked up on the fact that you are strictly interested in artistic types/Spaniards/whatever, so they don’t bother to make the effort. Or that you are automatically discounting them, either because of The List or because they are married. (So? They have friends. And brothers. And cousins. And work colleagues.)

Keep an open mind. The One is never going to present himself as The One, he is going to be The One You Least Expect. (This is a fact. And he won’t live anywhere near you. And he will be wearing a shirt that you don’t like. And he will be smoking when you have just given up.)

Abandon The List

You know The List: hate men who wear black shirts; hate men who wear hair products; hate men who play golf. The List is probably the No 1 reason people stay single. You are expecting him to arrive in the precise package you ordered, when actually, if you’re lucky, he will tick one of the boxes.

Put The List out of your head and deal with what is in front of you. Not your type? Right. And that’s been such a success for you to date.

Do something differently

For example, on The Night, I didn’t go for my standard fall-back (white jeans, wedges); I went for a girlie dress and flat sandals, just for a change. This might have made the difference, because if you always project the same image a) you become like wallpaper to the people who already know you – and don’t discount them – and b) you bore yourself and therefore never project the right crackle and pop. Part of the game (after a period of being overlooked) is believing that you are worth the effort, not just passable in a low-lit environment.

Also, it might just be me, but shorter is more conducive to meeting The One. Heels are sexy, but they can make you look a bit intimidating (especially if you are tipping 6ft). In the flat sandals that I almost never wear, I felt a bit skippy and flighty. Just a thought.

Avoid your friends

They will cramp your style. You need to be able to flirt outrageously and reinvent yourself slightly if you are to attract The One. In addition, if something does happen when your mates are around, they will panic and put you on edge, gawp open-mouthed or start popping up behind sofas, sniggering. So, don’t always go to a party with a girlfriend, or rush to find the people you’ve known all your life. The fact that I went unchaperoned on The Night meant that I was free, in need of a lift home and nobody was watching – crucial.

Don’t be too cool

Finding a man does not involve sophisticated game-playing. It turns out that it’s not so tricky, providing you, the single girl, show enthusiastic interest. And I recommend trebling what you would describe as enthusiastic. You may think you are being friendly, but single girls have a subconscious fear of looking eager – aka desperate – so there’s a good chance that you are actually coming over a bit Morticia.

Note: it’s a mistake to think grown-up men are all superconfident. They need stupid amounts of encouragement – you might as well still be at the school bus stop when it comes to fear of rejection. Tell him you love how tall he is – unless he isn’t, but lay it on a bit.

Be 40 flirty

Fortysomethings have one thing going for them that their younger competitors do not: we can do life alone, and probably quite well, what with all the practice we’ve had. This is quite appealing, in the busy, busy “so not desperate for you to look after me and pay for everything” sense. Be slightly elusive, though obviously keen. (You have a life. You are having so much fun. You can’t cancel your trip to Morocco.) With other age groups, this can be interpreted as too independent to get involved, but with the fortysomething, it is normal and reassuring.

Don’t get drunk

Well, obviously get wonderfully drunk, but not insensible. Men are terrified of bad drunks, especially when they are too old to sling over their shoulder. Never get drunk and dial. It is a bad look. They will pretend that they thought it was sweet and funny, but actually they will be planning to chuck you.

Times recommends

• McDonald’s: the world’s local restaurant
• Help me to be a mum: a foyer to fulfilment
• A life online: God likes a laugh