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From The Sunday Times
July 8, 2007

An older girl’s guide to husband hunting

Pushing 40? Still single? Worried you will never bag a man? Don’t panic, it’s easier than you think. The recently hitched fortysomething reveals all

Shane Watson

It is odd that, in 2007, someone can write a book about withholding sex to bag a husband (Not Tonight, Mr Right, it’s called). Odder still that it should sell so well, as if it actually held the key to finding a man.

Then again, there is one subject that unattached females will never tire of: how not to end up single. If you are uncomfortably alone, you’re desperate for clues. If you are comfortably single, you’re still curious – lest you should ever start to panic.

The point is that women, especially those for whom time is running out in the procreation sense, are extremely vulnerable to this stuff. I should know. Having got married for the first time in my forties, I am officially the most interesting person among my own sex. At parties, I am constantly hauled over to meet single women, expressly to impart the details of my miraculous, last-minute sprint across the line. I am a freak of nature, living proof that nubile doesn’t necessarily always get the bloke. People long for a hidden secret: something I did that I hadn’t done before; a deciding factor that tipped the balance. So, here are my personal tips on how to get a man to marry you in your forties.

Don’t obsess about waxed legs and so on

It’s wrong to think you have to be a perfect size 10 before anything can happen – that way lies the shiny stiffness that men don’t like. There is a myth that confidence is about being buffed and tweaked to within an inch of your life, but actually that just creates expectation. You want to be thinking, “Hellooo, who are you?” not, “Will you notice the effort I have made, thank you?”

There is an argument that supergrooming gives you an added determination – nobody wants to waste an all-over body exfoliation and seaweed wrap – but I found that just enough is better than the works. You still feel like you, and you don’t have that pinched “someone better make this worthwhile” look.

Where to find him

The big problem for older singles is choosing what not to go to. There is nothing as dispiriting as the dinner party where you are being set up with the short-limbed biologist (apart from the dinner party where you are sitting next to two temporarily husbandless women). These experiences can drain your precious supply of positive energy – the single girl’s number-one asset, after a healthy bank account – and you have a duty to protect this at all costs.

The secret is to view your social life in three categories: slob time with friends; possible-meeting-men time, but probably not; and good-chance-of-meeting-men occasions. The first and the last you do automatically; the uncertain category is the one to avoid. On the good-chance occasions (a party, in my case), the trick is to assume, well before you even get there, that this is The Night. It generates a mix of adrenaline and pheromones that people have been trying to bottle since the beginning of time. If you go to a party in your second-hottest dress because you’re saving the other one, and you’re a bit “I can always leave after 10 minutes”, The One will look in your direction and think: “Hmm. Downer.”

Where are all the men?

They are there, but you are scaring them away by looking so grumpy and hard to please. Or you never get round to meeting them because you are too busy hanging at the bar with your old mates. Or they know about The List. They haven’t actually seen The List, but they have picked up on the fact that you are strictly interested in artistic types/Spaniards/whatever, so they don’t bother to make the effort. Or that you are automatically discounting them, either because of The List or because they are married. (So? They have friends. And brothers. And cousins. And work colleagues.)

Keep an open mind. The One is never going to present himself as The One, he is going to be The One You Least Expect. (This is a fact. And he won’t live anywhere near you. And he will be wearing a shirt that you don’t like. And he will be smoking when you have just given up.)

Abandon The List

You know The List: hate men who wear black shirts; hate men who wear hair products; hate men who play golf. The List is probably the No 1 reason people stay single. You are expecting him to arrive in the precise package you ordered, when actually, if you’re lucky, he will tick one of the boxes.

Put The List out of your head and deal with what is in front of you. Not your type? Right. And that’s been such a success for you to date.

Do something differently

For example, on The Night, I didn’t go for my standard fall-back (white jeans, wedges); I went for a girlie dress and flat sandals, just for a change. This might have made the difference, because if you always project the same image a) you become like wallpaper to the people who already know you – and don’t discount them – and b) you bore yourself and therefore never project the right crackle and pop. Part of the game (after a period of being overlooked) is believing that you are worth the effort, not just passable in a low-lit environment.

Also, it might just be me, but shorter is more conducive to meeting The One. Heels are sexy, but they can make you look a bit intimidating (especially if you are tipping 6ft). In the flat sandals that I almost never wear, I felt a bit skippy and flighty. Just a thought.

Avoid your friends

They will cramp your style. You need to be able to flirt outrageously and reinvent yourself slightly if you are to attract The One. In addition, if something does happen when your mates are around, they will panic and put you on edge, gawp open-mouthed or start popping up behind sofas, sniggering. So, don’t always go to a party with a girlfriend, or rush to find the people you’ve known all your life. The fact that I went unchaperoned on The Night meant that I was free, in need of a lift home and nobody was watching – crucial.

Don’t be too cool

Finding a man does not involve sophisticated game-playing. It turns out that it’s not so tricky, providing you, the single girl, show enthusiastic interest. And I recommend trebling what you would describe as enthusiastic. You may think you are being friendly, but single girls have a subconscious fear of looking eager – aka desperate – so there’s a good chance that you are actually coming over a bit Morticia.

Note: it’s a mistake to think grown-up men are all superconfident. They need stupid amounts of encouragement – you might as well still be at the school bus stop when it comes to fear of rejection. Tell him you love how tall he is – unless he isn’t, but lay it on a bit.

Be 40 flirty

Fortysomethings have one thing going for them that their younger competitors do not: we can do life alone, and probably quite well, what with all the practice we’ve had. This is quite appealing, in the busy, busy “so not desperate for you to look after me and pay for everything” sense. Be slightly elusive, though obviously keen. (You have a life. You are having so much fun. You can’t cancel your trip to Morocco.) With other age groups, this can be interpreted as too independent to get involved, but with the fortysomething, it is normal and reassuring.

Don’t get drunk

Well, obviously get wonderfully drunk, but not insensible. Men are terrified of bad drunks, especially when they are too old to sling over their shoulder. Never get drunk and dial. It is a bad look. They will pretend that they thought it was sweet and funny, but actually they will be planning to chuck you.

It works!! I went about one day proving whether I still had it at 47. I wore makeup, red lipstick I buzzed in an out of patients (yes, I am a nurse), I smiled openly, flirted a little, appeared a little dizzy at times, although I am definitely not. By the end of my time there, the doctor in question told me I was very nice, could he have my telephone number?

Marlene, Preston, Lancashire

Serious advice to "older women" (in fact any woman) looking for a man :

1) Don't "husband" hunt. It's the most stupid thing you could possibly do, because it advertises the fact that you want a "lap-dog". Most men (99 in every 100) aren't "lapdogs", and will run a mile.

2) Think likea bloke for just one hour a day. That would help immensely. That means things like: doing one job at a time, taking (male) advice when proffered, and not using "sex" as a weapon.

3) If you're interested in a bloke - for God's sake go and tell him so. We men are straightforward, and don't like mind games.

Joseph White, Loughborough, UK

It's a great article. I will forward to my friends as well. I've just turned to 30 but beleive me I think the same and struggle to find the One. Thanks for the tips. I need to abandon my list I guess

Tamara, London,

I think its a great article just need to know where you can go and meet men without your friends

Anne, London, England

Thanks for your tips, I thought this kind of feelings only belonged to latin women. I´m divorced, I´ve got a daughter, in some way I´m happy but I really miss a man to share the best things in life. From now I´m gonna give a second glance to my social environment.

patricia, Bogota, Colombia

Interesting article
I'm 43 and absolute tops. I have never felt or looked as good as I do at this wonderful age. Whoever is lucky enough to be 'the one' should be getting ready to be grateful that he waited so long to find me!

sally catton, leeds,

Janet, how does this article in any way relevant to you if you're single by choice? The article is for women who DO want to find a man, not those who don't. The author didn't say you MUST be married, only offered some tips on how to find a bloke if you would like to.

No need to feel insulted if the article isn't aimed at you - just read something else.

Dave, Melbourne, Australia

Thanks for your advice, but I'm an independent, successful fortysomething who is single by *choice*. I don't need a man to validate me and don't want to be stuck in a dull relationship! Much more fun playing the field!

Janet, Nottingham,

"If you aren't married, it must be your fault", Society says. If you haven't been single at 40 (not ever married or in a long relationship), you can't imagine what it's like. I have consistently been asked my age, then followed with do I have children, then asked if I am divorced, then asked why I am single. All rude questions. So what that I would like to be married! Why is this suddenly a judgement? Why is this considered a sell out date? I have a full, rich life. I am well traveled and take interest in many things. I can honestly say that I feel at times a reproach from Society that I am single and it's my fault. People say that I'm too picky - without giving me a chance to respond. People say that I must scare men away -without giving me the benefit of the doubt. People say that I just have to stop thinking about it - without looking at my life.

For me, the desire for a marriage partner is a natural progressive step in life. This is my choice! Bravo Shane!

Natalie, NYC, US

You know what single ladies/gentlemen (without children) it could be worse, you could be dumped in your 40's for a younger model and left with 2.4 kids, to feed, clothe, school and look after 24/7 (I know it happened to me). So be grateful for your unecumbered life, a career, travel, nice house and the sheer bliss of not having to always put someone or something before what you want. Believe me there are worse things in life that can befall you than being single at 40.

C.Straine, Edinburgh, UK

Great article and comments. I think women out there are losing out chasing the right one. My advice is pick one with potential and then package them they way you want and DONT expect them to arrive on your dooor step in a perfect little package with a red ribbon. Work on it yourseilf. Its true man of all ages need compliments and praise just like us... so go out there and grab them and stop feeling sorry for yourself! Happy hunting!

Mercy, Basel , CH

I'm now just over 40 and I can see the benefits of being single - especially when I come out of yet another relationship where I am expected to change my life to fit in with the male's life (e.g. speed I walk at, time I go to bed and get up, what I eat, what I do in my free time etc.).

And coming back from holiday today, I am pleased not to be like some of the couples I saw - together but miserable.

Having said that, I do envy some of the retired couples who were still pleased to be together after more years of marriage than I have been on this earth.

The hardest part for me.. the two hardest parts are (1) the fact that I've got no-one to share things with e.g. to go for a walk in beautiful countryside and share it with someone and be able to talk about it, or to share a meal you've taken care over. Yes, you can do it with friends, but it's still not the same because of part (2) - the fact that no-one thinks you're special or says they love you or want to be with you long term.

Tina, Düsseldorf, Germany

Ho Ho, When men get older were still in good condition and can pull younger attractive women, the problem is most of us are bitter because of how all these "now single 40 year olds" treated us when they were younger. Reap the seeds you sow.

leon, Brisbane,

Finding yourself single in your forties is not just as a result of not finding Mr Right.
My life partner died suddenly 3 years ago from a misdiagnosed cancer. After a life together of 15 years it blew the lid off my world.I was 37 and he was 39.
Now I'm single-again, with a great job, house and (pleased to say) no kids. I only really meet folk at work who are either hitched or about to get hitched...or who are dead from the hair down with relationship boredom .
Meeting honest decent men who are not self absorbed is hard . I tried internet dating for all of 5 days(choosing my site carefully- Guardian) but despite this still lots of middle aged men game playing.
Afraid it's back to the what a previous commenter wrote about...get yourself sorted...be comfortable in your own skin...find yourself...be yourself and live your life to the full and who knows who'll turn up when you least expect it? We all survive on hope.

SkaGirl, Kingston, UK

It's true that the older you get, the more questions are asked about 'why' you're still single?

Being single isn't a crime! These days, the reasons are likely to involve neglecting your personal life for work, wasting nearly a decade on a wrong bet, or just not having met the kind of bloke you want to be with long term. The article articulats some easy and simple tactics to up your chances of meeting a good selection of men- but remember, it's better to find someone you'll be happy with than hitch your wagon to someone you'll get bored of and cheat on...and that is the reality for many so-called 'perfect' couples out there.

Leone, London, UK

The key point comes at the very beginning, before all the advice: "Having got married for the **first** time in my forties, I am officially the most interesting person among my own sex."

Bang on: at 34 I was asked out by a 46 YO divorced man. We had a terrific first date - the kind where the bistro staff just wants the two of you to leave already - and he looked deep into my eyes and said: "You're so funny and smart and beautiful. How come no one's picked you yet?"

I blushed, so flattered was I. But it wasn't a compliment. It was the question that dogs BOTH genders of a certain age who have never been married: If you really were worth the effort, you'd have been chosen long ago. And remember, at the time I was still six years from the big 4-0. Look around: most of the folks who've "found love" in their 40s are divorced people partnering up with others of the same ilk. (Oh, and married men who chat me up on biz trips are just scouting for their single mates?! Who knew?!).

Gillian, New Jersey, USA

'You marry because it's expected of you, but it only makes you feel more lonely' Morrissey

Jon, Manchester, UK

Why is it always the same story - these women so desperately wanting to get married. Find something else to do besides wasting energy on finding and pleasing the phantom "one." It's a sure setup for disappointment. Cultivate your intellect and stop this pathetic search for the non-existent fairy tale ending.

Anna, New York, NY, USA

I agree with the article, and about men who might not conform to your 'List' but have many other things going for them. I would add that the most important piece of advice is to think of something happy and smile, not to carry a feeling of bitterness and disappointment into the room with you.

Venetia, London,

I am sorry but in spite of some good highlights to this story, you are still assuming that something is missing in my life if I am not married.

I am a successful, independent woman who has career ambitions and likes to learn and explore. Not many men do apreciate that and I am happy with myself and my friends. Friends are in fact more imortant in life then 'the one'.

I feel sorry for you that you got to your 40s and decide to marry. Why? Life is so much better without bold, unshaved, pot-belly grump in my home. Life is great. I date all the time men in thei 20s and sex is great and they have apreciation for things they learn. Can it get any better?

Well marriage is a sure way to feel lonely, dead and frustrated. I was married twice - and you are yet to see how much it hurts to be 'with someone' yet alone. Look around. Astounding 85% of people are in the same boat - married going though divorce, separation or simple being roommates. Not me. My life is supposed to be full. XO

Neige, Toronto, ON

I think I realised how hard it must be for women in their mid-late thirties to find a partner when I met up with my ex. He's 36 and dating a 24-year-old. I am married (I am 20 and hubby is 39) but I am seeing things with my 30-year-old eyes that I could not fathom when I was 25,26,27 etc. I said to my ex 'no wonder women in their thirties can't meet guys. You are all going out with girls in their twenties!'.

Emily, Melbourne, Australia

"Avoid your friends"
Definitely the best bit of advice in the whole thing. >>>NOTHING<<< screams "don't approach" louder than the FriendPhalanx.

George, London, UK

I completely endorse all of what you're saying, especially this point about The List - we use the list to protect us from intimacy, losing control, our own shyness and becoming dependent on someone else. And I've got regrets aplenty to prove that someone otherwise perfect was too young, too short, too poor or too rich for me. Oh we do sabotage ourselves don't we!

Barbara, Richmond, Surrey

What a funny and interesting article Shane Watson wrote! Plus actually some good advise and truths about the "over 40 dating scene". Totally agree: men still need loads of reassuring, encouragement, and compliments - despite their age! I'm still pleasantly surprised. Other misconceptions, some of which are dealt with by Shane Watson, include - in my experience - women being past their sell-by date after reaching 40 'cause men are interested in younger releases. I'm looking forward the Shane Watson's next article.

Kate, the Hague, NL

"Not tonight, Mr. Right"
Sounds a good plan, assuming you don't spit the dummy when he gets the home comforts elsewhere. Providing he's not gagging for it, you can safely put off playing the bedroom scene till after the wedding. Then its, "Well, I suppose we'd better consummate this relationship and make it legal."
Now if only western culture (and white women) took the view that whoring was essentially the same as getting the car serviced. Potentially cheaper too, these Porsche dealers charge like a wounded rhino.

Andrew Milner, Yokohama, Kanagawa

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