Hi Kate,

Where do you live; on moon? I see the reverse happening on earth. I see that women are now tired of competing with men and more and more are choosing to be pretty home makers. That is the way it is supposed to be in the first place.

Amy

Amy, San Jose, USA

"I had outshone my suitor."

Perhaps you just came off as distracted, aloof, and pretentious since you were talking to the italian owner while "on a date", and perhaps trying to impress or be showy--could have been a misunderstanding. But I like how you refer to any possibility for the failure as "outshining" your date


"I should know. A few years ago my Swiss banker found my conversation too arty and cast his attentions on a lovely Spanish girl who worked in his office."

Your ex dumped you because your conversations were too "arty"? I find that hard to believe, seeing as how you aren't overwhelmingly brilliant to read


"This value system recognises the trend of female supremacy, which while not as yet the norm seems to be pointing the way for future relationships."

Nice job on the shallow and misandristic conclusion there. You can only hope your future scenario may be right, and women "wear the pants" more. This is just a silly and selfish article...

John Smith, New York, usa

A friend of mine told me that you can't have both personality types in the same relationship. Meaning two alphas or two betas together in a relationship won't last. We have to choose which one we prefer to be, and stick with that. Then we can go out find the opposite and create a lasting relationship. When there's one beta and only one alpha no one's competing with the other to be the boss, or taking care of the household. Therefore, an alpha woman would never have to hide her accomplishments, intelligence with a beta man, but an alpha woman would clash with an alpha man. I've decided to give her theory a try.

Alicia, Marina del Rey, CA

This article once again shows the effects of the ongoing empowerment of the female gender. It points out that the modern successful woman is now equipted with better education and financial means than many men. Because of her accension, and her own strong sense of self, she has taken the lead in her own life rather than look for a man to do so. When looking for a mate, these women desire to take the lead in there relationship as well. They want to attract a male who would compliment and be supportive of her goals, lifestyle and accomplishments while subordinating his own. Isn't it wonderful how the gender paradigm is changing before our eyes. I for one find Ms Mulvey to be an enchanting women. Strong, intelligent, accomplished, and beautiful to boot. She is certainly a women that I would be honored to put on a pedestal, and treat as my queen.

Curst, Toledo, USA/Oh

Most of the responses here seem to be from men. I am a strong Alpha female (raised by alphas- and my sister is marrying a beta male who is happy to be beta). I have a hard time respecting men who are less alpha then I am. I'm forced to do all the work, and wonder if its worth it in the end. I have tried the supportive, less dominant approach - and I ended up with a condescending boyfriend who, when he realized I was smarter than he thought, more competent that he was and not going to take his crap got dumped. When I am completely myself men who show an interest hear what I do and the schedule I keep and get scared off. Where is the balance? I keep hoping to find the alpha that wants a partner - and to be honest - recognizing that a woman is a stronger organizing presence in the home shouldn't make the man feel like a beta that actually seems to be what partnership is about... I will keep searching for my own alpha male hopefully one day I'll find him.

kate, San Diego, CA

pls i want some one i could love and marry

Peter, manchester united, england

I suppose you are correct in your thinking. But it is not negative, it is simply human nature. If you are a God fearing woman, it is simple. If you are not, then I suppose it is rocket science. Just as the nut was designed to screw onto the bolt, woman was made for man or visa versa. This is not to say that woman should be barefoot, pregnant and uninteligent. On the contrary, woman should help man and man should help woman. However, speaking from experience (twice divorced), my marriages were good until my X's saught out a "career." So, as one of the dumber males, it took me a long time and cost a lot of money to realize that what I really want is a woman who is simple, not seeking to outdo me, out talk me or make more money than i do in order to find happiness. The key is happiness, is it not? If you are happy with your career, great. On the other hand, if you are happy in a marriage that to is great. You simply have to choose your posion as they say.

Miguel, Cleveland, Ohio

What appears to be interesting, and I am speaking from experience only, is that society has confused the genders and their roles.
A women may claim that she does not need a man to make her feel good, so she lives life without men, except on a Saturday night when she is flaunting her femininity and reeling the men in. The knock on effect is that the then the men do not know what she wants and therefore do not know how to be.
A man may claim that he does not want women because it interferes with his lifestyle (I having been one of them) and later find a woman to spend some time with, only to move on when she gets too close. The man has therefore confused her because she does not know what he wants.
Both genders should acknowledge the strength and weaknesses of the self and each other, then both make a logical and conciencious decisions for the style and roles for living together.
Ultimately, since men and women are not equal, each gender should treat each other fairly.

Pablo, Nottingham, U.K.

I agree that there is nothing wrong with career oriented women marrying men who are less driven in this regard. My sister makes 100,00 dollars a year as an MBA and her partner is a botanist making mush less in earnings- although he makes a garden that far surpasses anything the rest of us combined could make. They are happy but I have noticed that she sometimes needles him about making less. If so called alpha women are to find bliss with so called beta men (I actually dislike these characterizations since careers and money are not the only measure of how much drive someone has- an alpha in the workplace may be an omega in bed and vice versa) they need to be content in their choices and not badger or needle their lower earning spouses but rejoice in what these men do bring to the relationship.

gigi zaunere, ocean, nj

Let both do their best

Tisch, Hilders, Germany

Hey, if she wants to pick up the tab, she can be queen elizabeth for all I care. I have no problem with a women taking care of me. Then when we hear noises in the kitchen at night while we're in bed, she can check that out, too.
Anthony, ca

Anthony, van nuys, ca

Oh yuck. What ever happened to the men of the west? Lost your balls? Letting women rule the world? Rule the house? God, I am embarrased. I am a fellow man and I know that NO man, no REAL man will EVER *do* such a thing.

Please, for the love of god, dont call yourself men. Men are the ones who are moving this world forward, marching to the sound of guns in wars, inventing and basically, kicking ass.

What happened? From numerous comments I read about the men here, my jaw was left hanging. NO man, NO REAL man submits to a woman. Grow some spine, weaklings.

Give and take, take and give. Men lead. The "growing number" of men who want women in the boardroom and bedroom are feminized beta males.

Ladies, if you want that kind of a mate, suit yourself. I picture them as the kids who were outcasts in high school and desperate for attention. They then found the SOLUTION - bowing down to feminism and losing their manhood. Well done, well done. Bravo bravo, wimps.

MansVoice, USA,

Well, it show that doctors, lawyers an other such professions (I am a librarian) draw people who are more likely to have problems with notbeing in the spotlight. I have no problem with smart powerful women (my mom was one), I don't know about the "Alpha male", I will stand up for myself but on the other hand I don't go around trying to prove I am the most "manly" man at work.

vincent, philadelphia, pa

Welcome to dating as an Alpha. For years men have tried to fathom the mind of the requisite beta female they were attempting to enamor - frequently with inexplicable reactions. Guess we aren't so different after all - you've caused a reaction you can only speculate about with no hope of how to avoid a similar situation in the future.

Furthermore, as an Alpha it is your duty to pursue. You don’t get to cop out of that responsibility just because you’re female. You want the position; it’s only fair you pay the full price. Additionally, I would venture that the stereotypical truly Beta guy is terrified of the truly Alpha female... add that in to your bag of tricks and see how effective you are at even finding a suitable date.

Roger Rabbit, Rural, USA

Military officers must learn how to be both alpha and beta, to give commands to those of lower rank, and to accept orders from those of higher rank.

In my work life, I am an alpha male who is in charge of supervising many others. At home, however, my wife is the Queen Regent, and I am her prince consort. We discuss matters, however she has the final say in all things and I support and affrim the decisions she makes. She is loving, kind, and considerate, yet she is still the monarch. She earns slightly more than I. I do the majority of the domestic chores because I love and adore her so much and want her life to be happy and fulfilled. Those who know us marvel at how incredibly happy we are with each other and wonder what our secret is.

Queensknight1, Western USA,

It's all left to each individual man to decide. If they want women to be their ruler or "dictator" in an intimate relationship, all is well. That's their choice. Personally, I will allow no woman (or man) to have power or control over me, just as a woman wouldn't want a man to have power or control over her. This is what TRUE equality is all about. Is it possible that the whole feminist agenda was never about attaining equal rights but about the reversal of power? Perhaps what women REALLY want to have is power over men, rather than living under equal terms. Sadly, many men seem to be allowing their sex drives to be their guides rather than their minds; hence, they are blinded to this possibility. As long as a woman rewards him with sex, he'll follow her every command like a drooling dog follows his master's commands just for a scrap of meat. Pathetic! I suspect if these men did not have sex drives, the overcast clouding their minds would be lifted, and they would be able to see things as they truly are. I have not, nor will I ever succumb to a woman having power over me. If this means I remain a single man -- so be it! Just as women have said they “don’t need a man to survive,” so I am saying that I do not need a woman -- or sex -- to survive.

Taj, Pittsburgh,

Officers in the military must be able to both give orders to those who rank below them as well as accept orders from those of higher rank.

In my professional life, I am an alpha male who supervises many others. At home, my wife is Queen Regent and I am prince consort. She is loving, considerate, and kind. We discuss matters, but she has the final authority in all things and I support her decisions. She earns slightly more than I. I do the majority of the domestic chores because I love and adore her so and want her life to be filled with happiness and joy. Those around us marvel at how happy our lives together are, and wonder what our secret is.

QK, The West, USA

This is very interesting. In my opinion, let women rule the world. They can have all the headaches and the results will probably be about the same. As for me, I like it. I'm going fishing. Let me know how it turns out.

evan mathews, Barton, USA, Wisconsin

I complement an "alpha" career and personality with being "beta" to my wife. We started a female-led relationship about 3 years ago after years of trying to have a perfectly equal relationship with decisonmaking by consensus. That didn't work out well. We've never been happier now that she has taken the lead. I've never been more fully realized as a human being now that I'm allowed to express by strong feelings of love and gratitude to not just my wife but all women in general.

I've come to believe that some people are born beta. It is great when society evolves to a point where a man can be beta to an alpha woman and still be a respected, productive and happy member of society.

I look to the folks in their 20s and 30s to create sufficient give in the social norms so that alpha men and beta women and alpha women and beta men can freely find each other and live according to their orientations, desires and dreams.

Tomas, Chicago, US/Illinois

You have heard it before: 3 sides to every storie, etc.
This is a male's side OK.
It is so rare to find a self-actualized person of either gender.
Material success, an abundance of Business and Education credits, Knowing the Right people, does not necessarily add up to a Hill of Beans in terms of who is and who isn't Sophisticated, in its true sense.
Alot of these so-called (by themselves) Alpha females are not meeting a "Good Man" because they're not behaving like a "Good Girl"--simply practice the GOLDEN RULE (which by the way, will never go out of style).

frankifrost, ny/ny, usa

Well I'm (truly) sorry to be swimming against the tide here; but I agree with Ms Mulvey. I am a man - I am however far from what might be considered a “beta” male to all outward appearances. Indeed I have in the past been described as the “archetypal Alpha”. Moreover, as it happens I earn more that my wife.

Nevertheless I happen to believe that relationships work best when one person takes a leading role and the other takes a supporting role. I am proud to say that in my marriage I am in that supporting role. I do most of the household chores and my wife makes most of the decisions. We have a very happy marriage and a very fulfilling sex life.

There is a very large (and growing) number of both men and women who feel as I do that the world would greatly benefit with a woman in charge in the bedroom and in the boardroom. Ladies – take charge! You might just find you like it – and you might be surprised to find that your menfolk like it too!

SteveT, London, UK

As a male who has tried giving in, I'd have to say, it is definitely the way to go. Having been the one in charge for many years, we often fought bitterly. Now I've given in and our sex life has never been better. I've the luckiest man alive - my wife is an incredible vixen in the bedroom now that she's in charge. I'm still an 'alpha male' at work, but its actually way less stressful to know that she's in charge at home. Don't live your life by societies rules - break out - try something new. You might find it works really well for you and makes your very happy. We are now more intimate and in love than ever before.

Vive la femme!

WR, Western, USA

Kate, great blog. I seemed to have touched a nerve with many readers with THE BLACK WIDOW AGENCY series by depicting four female investigators who are not only smart and technologically savvy, but who maintain their sense of humor in the face of adversity. They're as "alpha" as they can be amidst hot flashes, relationship issues and chocolate cravings but they are genuinely smart. Based on the success of the book, I have to say that women are ready for this alpha gal. I'm just not sure if most men are.

Felicia Donovan
Author, THE BLACK WIDOW AGENCY Series
www.feliciadonovan.com

Felicia Donovan, Newfields, NH

Keep the brain turned on. There is nothing sexier than an intelligent, witty, successful, women, who is also fluent in 5 languages. I can ask for a toilet in 7. :)

I am by no means a beta male, but I am also not intimidated, or threatened by successful women.

@Steve, I, too, check with my wife when making plans, but it's common courtesy, rather than either of us running the relationship. I like to think we each run the parts of the relationship that exercise our strenghts, and compromise where we have weaknesses.

Tim, Fairfax, US/VA

I love the article and find it witty as well as true! I take exception to one thing: Just because one is a secretary and/or office worker does not automatically mean that she has inferior intellect. It also does not mean that executives run off into the happy wild blue yonder with her either -- we, you and I, share the same challenges.

I am a secretary/office worker, and am considered to be a very intellectual person. I have a degree in Communication, am interested in philosophy and comparative religious studies, have a marketing business on the side with a 100% effort going toward charity work in the multicultural demographic, and am well traveled.

Your point is well taken, but don't go to the other extreme and categorize women ... errr - or people! for that matter ... according to their profession.

The article: Kudos. The generalization: For shame.

Tanya Touchstone, Nashville, TN

People want to feel safe in love and so they look to enter into what they will call meaningful or sacred agreements or commitments with the hope of a guarantee. These same people will break these commitments in a moment if they choose. The issue here is lack of courage. Freedom and love go together and you don't have one without the other. The masses can't stomach freedom. They make it petty in their minds and say that anyone who dares live outside these commitments is superficial. This strategy is extolled by the childish that build sandcastles to live in and lament when they dissolve. How many sandcastles have you built? You know you can spend a lifetime doing the same thing in different forms, trying to get it right. The world is filled with expert opinion about how to build a lasting sandcastle, and if it does not work, perhaps you just didn't find the right person. These beliefs are gullible, possessive and are built on self-centered fear.

Todd Vickers, Boulder Creek, California

Perfect. There is no doubt that my wife is in charge. Alot of men say they have to check with their wives, well me too. The difference is that we have both acknowledged that she leads the relationship. It has brought us alot closer. She is happier, I'm happier and frankly our sexual relationship has gotten much better.

Steve, Red Bank,

As a traditional alpha male I can heartily support Kate Mulvey's comments. Most of our societies suffer from the results of male aggressive behaviour - war, violence and winner-takes-all thinking. Women are biologically wired to stabilise society to protect their off-spring. We don't live in a caveman society anymore although without the guiding influence of women, we probably would.

Young women are now consistently out-performing young men in educational success and given the sex discrimination laws in most Western societies, it is only a matter of time before they will be able to exercise their much needed influence for the betterment of society.

Be a beta man to an Alpha women? Absolutely

Dombronski, Bradford, U.K.

For some reason "modern women" seem to be defined here as genuises, when there are obviously just as many idiots of both sexes around as there ever have been! So this article kind of makes no sense right from the word go.

Not sure if you're aware, but philosophies promoting the idea of one group's "supremacy" over another went out of fashion...ooh, about 1945. So I don't know if "female supremacy" is really the best phrase to attract people to your point of view. (Perhaps you're not the linguistic genuis you make out.)

Shouldn't relationships be partnerships of people who see each other as equals regardless of earnings, number of languages spoken etc.?

The number of languages someone knows or the money they make does not assign them an 'alpha', 'beta', 'omega' or any other letter, grade, number or score by which they should be identified. I guess there's nothing wrong with grading newspaper articles though, so I will give this one an omega double-minus.

David Space, London, UK

The truth of the matter is that women are indeed looking for beta males. I am the co-owner of a private forum based of the concept of female led relationships. The amount of members that this forum has, that wholeheartedly believe that this concept is the best way to live, would be rather staggering to some people. For many of us, it's simply a way of life.

Men that have alpha tendendies, or that want to be in charge of a relationship do not have much of a chance finding an intelligent, articulate, kind, compassionate and loving woman to spend the rest of their lives with. These days Women know that they can deserve better than to be treated an inferior, and because we know this, we are unafraid to go after what we want. Men that have issues with a woman that is intelligent and unafraid to show it, need to work of their sense of self worth. If a strong woman shows you up, and you cannot handle that, then the issue lies with you, not the woman.

Aradia, Lower Austria, Austria

Ummm. No one seems to think that it would be easier if we stopped looking at this as a war or battle.
My partner (Or "wife") is a doctor who earns loads more than I. I don't have any problems. I mean, who cares where the money comes from as long as it comes? I am not at war with her as far as I know. Life is good. We support each other and help each other.

E. Mann, Warwick, U.K

Perhaps your date was struck dumb by your rudeness, rather than your intelligence. Having a high IQ doesn't preclude having manners. Why did you feel it necessary to converse with the restaurant owner in his mother tongue, thereby effectively excluding your date from the conversation? I agree with whomever it was that commented that your behaviour smacked of showing off - almost as if you had to prove to your date that you were his intellectual equal. Nobody likes a smart-ass, male or female.

Nicky Butler, London, UK

Maybe he really was choking on his linguini. Instead of looking smug you should have performed the Heimlich maneuver.

Bernie, Reggio Emilia, Italy

My view is that people tend to want to be matched up with their intellectual equal. We have a hard time relating to people who are much smarter or much less intelligent than we are. Perhaps the reason your date went mute after your conversation with the restaurant owner was that he was taken aback by your rudeness and your desire to show off.

Saundra Coffelt, farmington hills, mi.

Perhaps our common perceptions of "alpha" and "beta" are incorrect?

(Having a high-flying job and/or huge salary packet doesn't make one alpha - it's the ability to win in the game of life that counts.)

Yours in utter ennui
Alpha-Beta

Oliver Cunningham, London,

Re "pretend you are dumb cos men like that" - outrageous!

Hide one's IQ just for the convenience of a less-than -talented date? and why exactly should women do that? is this some sort of "support mediocricy" initiative that we missed out on?

Yes it's less easy for men to be superior these days, with women earning as much, knowing as much and sure acting independent as much.

Don't whine, appreciate the benefits:)

Katya, Moscow, Russia

Any meaningful relationship will change your personality - not always on your own terms. And boy it's a tough one finding out that you're not actually the centre of the universe, even when your partner is a wonderful human being.
If there really is a choice between 'skewering your eyes out' and 'changing your personality', then maybe one reason people stay single is not because they have too much personality, but because they go blind.

Andrew, Norfolk,

Outragously rude. I'm English and speak fluent Spanish but I would never speak to someone else (especially of the opposite sex) in another language. My God, what sort of person are you. You're on a date for crying out loud and your (possibly in your date's eyes) flirting with someone else. I wouldn't have stayed around to be quiet on the date, I would have made my excuses and left. But then agian you would you would have found some excuse why he didn't want to keep up the charade. Perhaps it's got nothing to do with your money. Perhaps you should look at youself a little closer.

david, madrid,

The last paragraph: 'men are not so uncomfortable with the woman in control. This value system recognises the trend of female supremacy,' possibly sums up why your date went astray.

Relationships are not about one person assuming control or supremecy over the other. That would be emotional abuse. Equally, to assume the 'Italian moment' was the faux pas that destroyed the date brushes all other communicative activity neatly under the carpet . I very much doubt that a qualified doctor is going to be so lacking in self-assurance that your speaking Italian would permanently damage his oh-so-fragile ego.

The world is not just about IQ. Relationships require enormous amounts of EQ. Not considered that? Equally, as you persist in viewing the world through such one-dimensional spectacles (having googled your other articles) I'd respectfully suggest you aren't making full use of your wonderous IQ either. The world is much more fun and complex than your reductive scope allows.

Richard , Sydney,

Narcissists such as Kate should stay single, because they want to be the Alpha and the Beta, depending on the time of day. I was miserable being in that masculine mama role, and here in the US I see it all around, women doing all the talking and putting their men down.

Finding myself an intelligent, humble, energetic alpha male was the best thing that ever happened to me. It's amazing what a miserable marriage and therapy can teach you. I didn't try butting heads every time he wanted to be the leader and make a decision. So relaxing! It freed me to rediscover my femininity, which holds a deep power all of its own. A stronger, more intrinsic power than competing egos, ugh. My husband cherishes me and I respect him. Finding a worthy alpha male is the challenge, I got lucky!

BC, Orange County, California USA

"Rude? Sad comments by men posted here. My father speaks 5 or 7 languages and orders for us in Italian in Italian resturants. Bravo!"

That's nice, but you aren't dating your father. Unless you are in which case that's just wrong. Not that I'm judging.

Robert, Harlingen, Texas

I'm not scared of brainy women, but I'm pretty confident that most men (and women too, for that matter) are positively repulsed by conceited, ill-mannered braggarts.

Old Biil, Sydney, Australia

I have to say that you are totally wrong as far as what women look for in a man. Women are very practical and they will always go for men who have good careers and can provide for their families. Although I am a woman I have to say that there is degree of selfishness in every woman out there and the moment men become unable to provide for one reason or another, women become very unhappy and nagging and all of sudden the marriage starts to fall apart. So I don't really buy all this "let's go for the handsome, funny charming men..."this time. Regarding a woman's IQ, educated men will always appreciate a woman's inteligence, now it all depends how that comes across while dating.
I personally believe that the man you were having dinner with wasn't really threatened by you speaking a few languages. I am pretty sure that he found it rude as well as many of us writing comments here. I guess that was the big "turn-off" for him, it was pretty obvious that you were trying to show off.

Emma, Ontario, Canada

this is great stuff. when she's older, kate will be able to talk to her cats in five different languages.

jem, london, uk

HAHAHAHA - well said. Sad but true.

Joe, Ontario, Canada

The main reason that there aren't more men who are willing to take on the 'supportive' side of a relationship is that their doting Mothers have ensured that they have never, ever had to shop, cook or do the housework.

Thus we have generations of men who see women only as something to fulfill their needs (sex & housework) rather than as an equal partner in sharing the journey through life.

Ali Kelman, Bookham,

Dear Ms. Mulvey,

I'm married -- but I would consider it a great privilege to have linguine with you the next time I'm on your side of the pond. I assure you that I won't be in the least intimidated by your pentalinguality.

In my opinion, high-IQ women should seek out even higher-IQ men, who (I assure you, from long experience) are delighted to find equals. My suspicion is that your Swiss Banker and the hapless doctor were, indeed, outshone; they might have a single 16-point advantage over the IQ norm, but not two or three. Your challenge is neither alpha nor beta, but sigma!

Mycroft H., Dallas, Texas, USA

Not ever woman feels this way. I LIKE my man in charge!

Denise, Chicagi, IL

Not all woman feel this way. I LIKE my man in charge

Denise, Chicago, Il

Denise, Chicago, IL

this is great stuff. when she's older, kate will be able to talk to her cats in five different languages.

jem, london, uk

I don't believe that a 16 point rise in a woman's IQ decreases her marriage prospects by 40%. I would have thought it depends where you start from. Take a girl with an IQ of 84 (i.e. a bit dim) and give her an IQ of 100 (i.e. average) and I don't think there'd be much impact. Take a girl of 134 (i.e. already quite clever) and make her 150 (bordering on genius), and yes I can see she'd be a bit off-putting. Then again, if she were young slim and pretty I reckon she'd still do just fine. That's really what we care about most.

Redcliffe, London,

Didn't your mother teach you that it is rude to have a private conversation when another person is present? Of course he was dumbstruck! He was probably raised better

Connie, Philadelphia, PA

I happen to consider myself a very informed, exceptionally progressive, wholly independent and a modern feminist woman, let me assure you I don’t want anything close to what you say I should. While the Beta Male might be the perfect mate for a ball busting, bitter woman like you, a man like your dream lover wouldn’t survive a week with me. The one thing every relationship needs is balance. If we step out of the equation and look at this objectively my conclusion is that balance is not likely to be achieved by coupling an overbearing Alpha Woman, whose strength and security come from domesticating and providing for a kowtowing Beta Man, and a Beta Man who’s happiness comes from hiding from societal pressures to be masculine and the provider for his household. I am tired of men being villainiesed or emasculated under the false guise of feminism and social progress. Since when is a woman only able to be powerful when a man is not and vice versa?

Theresa, North Hollywood, USA

Put out because your date did not break out into spontaneous applause? You never know, perhaps he was simply struck dumb by your genius. There again, maybe he was just horrified that he'd found himself out with such an up-yourself, smug, rude woman, who categorises people into their nice, neat Orwellian alpha or beta niches.
I'd run a mile from a man who did that (yes, honestly, however successful he was), and i'd steer an equally wide berth from you.

Sharon Liming, Basingstoke,

Being a partner to someone who speaks three languages (to my one), I suspect the date had no problem with her linguistic virtuosity. He was likely just speechless at how rude the writer is. If this were a man writing ("I speak five languages" being an important part of this story?) he would sound like a boor.

Maybe learn some social graces and stop being so insecure around men and you'll find someone who has the patience to stick around when you do have these flashes of rudeness.

Darren, Raleigh, NC

Kate, you are my ideal woman!!! I will be your beta- male. Let's get married. Let's have kids. When they're wetting the bed or throwing up in the night your superior attitude, impressive IQ (not proven) and 5 languages will be invaluable.

Seriously, men aren't beginning to take on a supporting role; they've been doing it you decades. My parents have been hapily married for nearly 50 years, raising 7 kids (plus grandkids). It's worked for them because it was a partnership from day one, not a competition and not a hostile takeover.

Mike, Cheshire, UK

Actually, Roger, we find that beta males are better groomed, try harder in relationships, share the domestic chores, make great fathers and are more attentive in bed.

What's more, a lot of these thirty-something men do not mind if their partner is older as well as more successful, and speaking as an older woman, that's about perfect.

Jannie, inverness, scotland

Most likely her date was not turned of by her supposed intellect, but by her downright rudeness in talking to another man in another language on a date with him ! That's unforgivably rude, no matter how smart you are.

Robyn, Denver, CO/USA

Kate, perhaps you should better define "alpha" and "beta" males. Are you saying that loving, supporting men automatically fall under the "beta" category? Because I know plenty of alpha males who are both loving and supporting, and beta males who are neither.

And what is this American research you refer to? I live in America and the mentality you're describing went out of vogue in about 1959.

Jennifer, Durham, NC

Nice article. Good luck getting women to go for beta males! Does no one remember how much women despised "new men", once they had got them? Have you noticed how many supermodels - who have more money than they could spend in ten lifetimes - still, on a depressingly regular basis, go for unattractive older men who are rich providers (despite not even remotely needing a provider). I think women are hard-wired to seek out providers, the same way that men are hard-wired to follow physical beauty. The latter, however superficial it might appear, is at least a bit more honest, and certainly more aesthetic.

Simon Witter, London,

The only problem is while many women claim to want a beta male, their actions fail to match their boasts.

They chose the Alpha, it is bred into the genes to do so and no transitory sociopolitical microtrend is going to change that.

Mike Puckett, Webster Springs, West Virginia

I think this woman is full of herself and suffers from narcissism. All that she values is based on her inflated ego and subject to change without notice. In other words, materialism is transitory. While the mind attaches to this and that object of desire, nothing lasts.

Larry Ballard, Rockford, IL

It's appallingly rude to carry on a conversation with someone in a languge your date doesn't understand. Doesn't matter what gender you are. I'd have dropped you like a hot rock myself.

Lamont

Lamont Cranston, Boston, Texas

Someone needs to tell this ditz to get over herself. She thinks she intimidated a doctor by speaking five languages, or her previous man (a banker) left her because of her "arty" language? Here is a hint, lady - if you think your man is beneath you, he won't be long beside you. The problem isn't her accomplishments, but her arrogance.

Bob, Tucson, AZ USA

I don't think Ms. Mulvey's date found her unattractive for her intelligence, it sounds like he just found her horribly rude.

As for high earning females being attracted to lesser earning males...read Penelope's story more closely and you may realize her husband is an "Alpha" despite his income. He is "irreverent" towards her while everyone else kowtows.

"Alpha" is confidence, not income, and any smart woman wants an "Alpha".

Carolynn, Chicago, IL

"They found that for each 16-point rise in a woman’s IQ, her marriage prospects declined by 40%, but the man’s chances of marriage increased by 35% with each rise."

Is it possible that many intelligent women simply don't see the need to get married any more?

Lucy, Richmond, Surrey

This may just be me, but it seems rather rude to converse with Marco - rather than just saying 'Marco, love the place the food is fabuluous' - in italian if Marco speaks English while you're on a date.

and "too arty" is just a polite way of saying 'not interesting to me in the slightest'. The 'lovely Spanish girl' who worked in the office may have had an MFA and an ability to pay attention to her date rather than contemporaneously contextualing her dating experence using lit-crit femthink.

Just sayin'.

Passerby, Philadelphia, PA

He could have been threatened or maybe you were rude. You don't say how long the conversation went on or whether "Marco" was attractive, but imagine the situation in reverse. You are on a date with your Dr. and he strikes up a conversation with the female owner (or cute server) in a language you don't speak. Mandarin, maybe. They chatter away laughing at god knows what. They both speak English. They could have included you, but they didn't. They chose not to. Why? To show off? To enjoy their facility in another language? Who cares? You are being intentionally excluded ON A DATE. Very Bad Form. I would check that guy off my list as inconsiderate and it would have nothing to do with his intellect.

colleen, santa barbara, usa/ca

I'm sorry that you had a bad date with an insecure doctor, but there are quite a few alpha men who are not put off by someone who speaks 5 languages. They might, however, be put off by women who consider themselves in competition with them-- I suspect that men on dates are looking for women who view them in a positive light.

By the way, my Great Aunt spoke 8 languages, and while a prisoner in the Gulag, started a school for fellow prisoners and raised a son. That didn't stop her from a wonderful marriage. And it was wonderful not because he was her intellectual superior (though he was), but because they chose to build a life together.

Attitude is everything. Shame they don't give degrees or medals for that.

A Berman, Bergen County, NJ

I don't see any point in supremacy for anyone. The higher one raises one's self above others, the more noticeable it is on the rare occasion when one stumbles. We should have learned that from watching men all these years. On the other hand, I hate feeling like I have to look bewildered and give an "out of the mouths of babes" guise to every clever thing I say as though it just popped out of the thin air in my head so the less enlightened can feel superior and not threatened. If I am ready to go home and looking for a way to throw a wet blanket on a party, all I have to do is say something intelligent or in another language without running it through the ditz filter to throw a wet blanket on the bonfire of the vanities--and be assured of never being invited again.

Lyssa Strother, New Orleans, LA, USA

Despite your claim of being intelligent, and whatever along those lines, obviously you have proved us otherwise,,,
1) You made a mistake that smart girls usually do not commit. Smart ladies observe and react; if there is an attraction and passion then go for it. No usual dating scene needed. 2) Poor banker, and you call him successful!? How do you define a “success”? Your knowledge of Italian is quite surprising. (English rearly speak foreign languages). 3) Instead of talking to Marco about ephemerals, next time ask your friend to tell you how to prepare a semi-decent dinner for your date, and start from there. Simple things, pasta is just fine. Or maybe you’re not just as smart. Do not worry there will be a plenty of office leftovers for you. Just do not get to nervous.

Tonci, chicago,

Quote from 'Penelope' -

“Women can choose a man who has charm and looks, instead of going for the grumpy, ugly alpha just because he is solvent,” says Penelope.

From sugar-daddy to himbo. What about the middle ground? What about us blokes who have a well balanced package? (oo-er)

The article didn't make my blood boil as it seems to have done with some of my fellow men. Neither would the Italian 'job' as long as it wasn't for over five minutes or so and attention was shifted back to the date in hand afterwards.

Personally, I can cope with a woman who is either more successful or intelligent than me. As long as she remembers that even though society may be changing, I am still a caveman at heart.

Roger, English Riviera, UK

I speak 8 languages myself and there is a golden rule, if all the parties can speak a common language, stick to it. Rude behaviour and quite unnecessary whether you're with a date or a friend.

Claudia, madrid, Spain

Kate; newsflash- men have wanted, want and will always want someone who they, conciously or unconsciously, recognize will be the best mother and wife. This is how humanity has managed to proliferate over several millennia and women who are committed to themselves and their own career, by definition cannot be the "best".

If we must use Alpha and Beta terms (which make me want to vomit) let me put it to you that, relative to procreation, high flying women are firmly beta models and beta women have to accept beta men because they can't attract Alphas. Why would a successful "Alpha" male who desires a strong family be attracted to an aggressive career orientated women and moreover, feminazis who often delight in belittling "housewives" as if they were an intellectually inferior species. Your hypothesis is is in error- this is natural selection in action.

Richard, Woodham, UK

How surprised am I? All this time I havent been in a relationship... but now I know have been in a competition!
Who cares who is bigger than who?

Jar Jar binks, Endor, UK

Possibly your problem was you were not as smart as your date. He knew better than to be rude. I would not like it if a friend of either sex did that to me. Learn a little humiliation and it will go a long way!

teri Coffenbow, denver, CO

It's humility not humiliation, guess you'll have to marry up Teri!

Brian, Ireland,

Isn't it a bit rude to speak to the restaurant owner in a language your date won't understand?

AS, London, UK

A brief search on the net using her name reveals the real issue here.

Paul, Bradford,

Hmmm interesting reading all these comments...
many of the feedback comments are quite aggressive and critical, and coincidentally...from men.
I think the point of Kate speaking in Italian is a valid point - however, surely it depends on whether she was speaking to the restaurant owner for say 2 minutes, or 25 minutes!

Kate, London,

Very interesting. I have a college degree(engineering), and back in my dating days(1990s), I have to admit I wasn't looking for a particularly intelligent girl, just one who could drink, party, and look good after doing the same.

I did, however, fall in love and marry one of those women who had an advanced degree, and spoke 3 languages. She taught at a university, ran with a crowd of women who frankly, thought better of themselves than they should, and were really quite the boars. I think that is the position Ms. Mulvey commands. Good luck with a decent man.

As for my wife, she is still as intelligent as ever, but having three children has focused her attention on football, dance, basketball, homework and many other things too numerous to mention. She still teaches at the university(part time), but finds very little in common with women like Ms. Mulvey.

My suggestion to Ms. Mulvey. Find a good man, start a family, and really learn to live. Quit worrying about supremacy.

Joseph Enscore, Dallas, Texas

Madonna is your role model - gag - well then maybe you should do as she did, namely, fall off your high-horse.

Tell us how your next date with that cute middle-aged counter clerk goes, won't ya.

tom, miami, USA

Modern women may well want a "beta male", but my guess is Ms Mulvey will have to make do with a "gamma" male (if one at all) if she continues to be so rude to her "dates" as to openly exclude them from conversations.

Mike, London, England

Maybe he really was choking on his linguini. Instead of looking smug you should have performed the Heimlich maneuver.

Bernie, Reggio Emilia, Italy

What is equality? When half of men are marrying up, half are marrying down and the rest are marrying their equal.

Emma H., Ottawa, can

Possibly your problem was you were not as smart as your date. He knew better than to be rude. I would not like it if a friend of either sex did that to me. Learn a little humiliation and it will go a long way!

teri Coffenbow, denver, CO

Although I'm sure there are some alpha-women/beta-male pairs out there that seem to work out, money and power are too closely connected to sex appeal to dismiss them as generally inconsequential in the process of selecting a mate. (In other words, the combination of alpha-f/beta-m is exceptional.) Furthermore, because women have a biology that tends to limit career options under certain normal conditions, I think it is more likely that the expectation (or hope) of money and power in a prospective mate are much higher on women's "must have" list than they are on mens'. Yes, I think it is biologically grounded.

Chris, Albuquerque,

You don't get it.

Many men "pretend to be" or "take on the role of" an alpha male to bed women. What would be so hard for Kate to act dumb?

Men like dumb females. Women like powerful and rich males. That's the way it works.

I'm not sure if women are choosing Beta Males. That's a bit of self deception.... denial.

Tim, Los Angeles, CA

Outshone your suitor? Hardly. Get over yourself, lady.

By your own admission, while on a date you conducted a conversation in an unfamiliar language - likely without much attempt to include him.

Call me old fashioned but what you describe is the result of your own rude behavior. Popping open your cell phone and chatted away the night away would have yielded the same silent results.

Are we men afraid of smart women? Not at all. We are looking for women who combine looks, brains, humor neatly bundled along with a bit of common sense, balanced ego and etiquette.

The author seems to come up short in the latter three.

Greg Collins, St. Louis, Missouri USA

Kate you might want to take a look at the perception you are broadcasting to others.. pay particular attention to comment 51 ....

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/news/1907741/posts?page=1

scott, Los Angeles, Ca USA

Hi Kate
As a barrister working in the City (and, I like to think, a smart sassy female!) I totally agree with you. I spent a few years dating "alpha males" but they were put off by my work and, I guess, my seriouness too. I always got on better when I said I was a nurse (no disrespect to nurses - I think they're great - my baby's been sick since she was born so we've been in hospital a lot). But, then I found a wonderful man in a modestly paid but interesting job who loves me and is a great life-partner - not obsessed by his job, works 9 to 5. That's not to say it's all great, though - many men, my husband included, find it difficult when their wife earns a lot more than them. It's a rare man who doesn't feel even a little bit threatened by that.
O, and I have come across so many women in my profession in the same boat as me. It's definitely a lot more common than one might think!

Maria, London, UK

I have the same problem on dates when I spontaneously demonstrate my black belt with gold stripe Brazilian jujitsu moves on unwitting busboys and waitresses. Maybe I'm an insufferable, insecure jackass who projects my limitations outward and then attempts to cure the same with inappropriate demonstrations of esoterica that I learned when everyone else was pursuing economically remunerative skills and such, but I really think it has been my dates that have the problem.

I'm sure Kate would support my desire for a "beta female" to straighten up my place, cook my victuals, and fetch my pipe and slippers after a long day at the office? You know, because equality means sauce for the goose . . .

Alec Leamas, Philadelphia Freeway,

Darleen Click is right, Kate, you were rude. When I once took a French Lady on a date to a restaurant she started to speak in French to one of the waiters after realizing he was French, but then she stopped and asked my permission to continue to speak in a language I did not understand. Perhaps your date would not have gone mute if you had extended to him the same courtesy.

I don't believe this article because the results of a recent survey of career women showed that they were even more demanding of the salaries of potential male suitors than their non-career women counterparts. The manager of a dating agency once stated on a radio interview that she was told by her professional women clients that they would not accept men who earned less than them (even though these women earned up to hundreds of thousands of pounds a year)
Women find it embarassing to be seen with men of lower status, and still look for Alpha males to dominate them.

Alex, Chicago, IL

Oh geez, Kate, your date couldn't have gone mute because you were obnoxiously rude by carrying on a conversation that he was excluded from ...it had to be because of your self-perceived superiority.

Then you set up the straw-alternative, if you can't be lording your superiority over others, then you must succumb to being a Stepford wife.

I guess a relationship based on mutual respect is out of the question for you, eh?

Darleen Click, Los Angeles, California, USA

The worst dating faux pas is rudeness, and yes you committed it.

Carol Cooper, Farmington, US/MN

While perhaps those high powered women may want some beta male types, but this is hardly a large scale trend, I doubt women of this sort are exactly common.

Rave, NYC,

Aww gee, I think it's cute when girls write stuff like this.

;-)

Scott, Chicago, IL

Mister Snitch has an unfortunate name, but unfortunately for you has been harsh yet fair with his comments (as have many other people here).

You blame your lack of social advancement on some worldly injustice, when in reality you're probably just too much like hard work.

John Tee-Rhodes, Manchester,

Alpha? I am the alpha and omega. Hmmm..... what nonsense, "alpha". Everyone is different, everyone has differnet goals in thier lives, not everyone wants to have just a condo, high flying position, the beautiful girl, there are actually those of us who want more than a mundane existence, and for each of us that is a different thing. These "alpha males" people talk of are nothing more, well hope some of them are more, but the idea i get of them is of them being little better than lab rats, hurrying their ways through the labmaze of life to reach their goals....... which...... are...... not their goals, but a set of goals set for them by society all too often. Me? I want a several homes in several countries, a profession that i love, to be at the top of, to have much more than most people. And i expect to get it to. I am egoistic and self centered, but to just want things? I want much more, self fulfilment and self determination come higher on my list than a condo. Those who think otherwise are like lame sheep and not "alpha" "beta" or any other character.

Graham Bennett, Caen :oP, France

The writer is someone who does not know the difference between being "alpha" and being obnoxious. Being obnoxious, by definition she doesn't take kindly to criticism. So, shed rather "skewer her eyes out than change her personality"? That's code for "I have nothing to learn from you". Don't believe it? What if her date made the same statement? Oh, well, then he'd be a man who's afraid of the "challenge" of a woman like herself. (Most men aren't looking for a woman for the "challenge" of it, by the way. They are looking for a number of things - sex, companionship, etc. - but another "challenge" isn't on the list.)

It's no surprise she's alone.

Mister Snitch!, Hoboken, USA / NJ

Darleen Click is right, Kate, you were rude. When I once took a French Lady on a date to a restaurant she started to speak in French to one of the waiters after realizing he was French, but then she stopped and asked my permission to continue to speak in a language I did not understand. Perhaps your date would not have gone mute if you had extended to him the same courtesy.

I don't believe this article because the results of a recent survey of career women showed that they were even more demanding of the salaries of potential male suitors than their non-career women counterparts. The manager of a dating agency once stated on a radio interview that she was told by her professional women clients that they would not accept men who earned less than them (even though these women earned up to hundreds of thousands of pounds a year)
Women are naturally submissive; they find it embarassing to be seen with men of lower status, and still look for Alpha males to dominate them.

Edward, Chicago, IL

"Last week I went to dinner with an eligible doctor. As we were finishing the main course, I struck up conversation with the owner (Marco) in Italian – I speak five languages. My date nearly choked on his linguini and spent the rest of the date mute. I had committed the worst dating faux pas: I had outshone my suitor."

No, you committed the unspeakably rude action of having a conversation that specifically excluded anyone who could not speak Italian. Your date probably wondered if you were trying to flirt with the owner right in front of him, or if you were just trying to ignore him and show off your skills at the same time. I'd have choked on my dinner too - especially if I was the one paying for it all.

Kimberly, Philadelphia, USA

Rude? Sad comments by men posted here. My father speaks 5 or 7 languages and orders for us in Italian in Italian resturants. Bravo! we say. Ladies, think like an insurance salesman. The trick to finding Mister Right is the law of large numbers. You have to prequalify and date hundreds of men.

Shirley Jackson, Oliver, BC, Canada

It's not just potential husbands, and it's not just women who have problems. For one woman's comments on this issue, check http://www.comensarations.info/index.php/weblog/dear_abby_its_time_for_a_re_test/ .

In my own marriage, my husband is my "alpha" male (compared to all other males) and I'm his "alpha" female. Why, in a partnership like marriage does one have to alpha and one beta? It probably wouldn't come up if you were discussing a business partnership.

Sukey, Pueblo, U.S.A./Colorado

I gotta say, this is so boring. You know, I've had the wonderful opportunity to date women who are law graduates from the Ivy league, translators working around the world, businesswomen on their way to millions, and so forth. I loved spending time with them.

That would not be the case with MIZZ Mulvey, who is as egotistical as they come. I would submit that she turn her "intellectually-driven" considerations inward rather than outward. I'm sure she'd find that the common denominator of her failed relationships is not every guy whose failed to run her gauntlet.

Mel, Minneapolis, MN, USA

Them damn statistics, eh Mulvey? Consider that high-IQ women (not that it in any way typifies the subset) just may be seen as equipped to ruin the ex-partner by any manner of state-enabled means. House, wages, kids; it's all in a day's work for the uppity womyn.

To paraphrase another 80's has-been, it's because we are not women; we are devolving.

Gah, what a soul-less creature is described herein. One would be ashamed to write such things publicly.

Ten, The US West,

"A few years ago my Swiss banker found my conversation too arty and cast his attentions on a lovely Spanish girl who worked in his office."

Maybe what drove him away was living with a tiresome show-off.

Roger, london,

As a male who HAS taken on the support role in a relationship... a beta male if you like... most of what Kate Mulvey writes is true. The real issue (that the piece does not address) then comes inside the woman's head. What does this 'beta male' represent in the bedroom? I can tell you that unless, the woman is extremely switched-on and intellectually capable, the perceived loss in status of the beta male in a support role will wreak havoc, firstly with their sex lives and then elsewhere in the relationship.

Roger Darce, London, UK