Emily, 37, is a successful solicitor with a husband and a two-year-old son. To
her friends, she doubtless lives a charmed existence. But recently she sat
across from me in a life coaching session. She was very distressed. Having
just discovered that her husband of five years had had an affair, she felt
that her world had disintegrated. She’d been a good partner, hadn’t she? She
was caring and hardworking, wasn’t she?
Closer examination of their relationship revealed that Emily hadn’t had sex
with her husband for many months. When I pushed Emily gently on this she was
incredibly defensive. It was her view that she was too busy with her career
and raising their son to give any thought or time to sex.
Over the past two decades I have worked as a psychologist, life coach and sex
expert, and I have found that Emily’s attitude is all too common. And such
views don’t bode well for the success of relationships. With increasing
frequency, women in their twenties, thirties and forties take a pragmatic,
postfeminist view that sex is something over which they have no need to
negotiate. In the bedroom, there is no compromise. If a man has a higher sex
drive than a woman, then he can sort himself out. If he wants to try
something new and she can’t be bothered, tough luck to him.
Eventually, Emily and her husband repaired their relationship – which meant
learning how to confront their differences, including sexual ones.
Olivia, a 39-year-old investment consultant, was less fortunate. She had
wanted to make certain financial investments that her husband was against.
Issues about their finances spread bad feeling into all other areas of their
life and, like a stone dropped in water, the ripples from their acrimonious
“discussions” reached far and wide.
When Olivia found that the stress of their differences diminished her sex
drive, she felt completely justified in suggesting separate bedrooms. As she
recounted to me – with bitter regret, after their divorce – sex had been the
last thing on her mind. Her biggest mistake was not considering what was on
his mind.
Having researched my new book, as well as talked to thousands of men and women
over the years, I now firmly believe that too many women see the sexual side
of their lives as something to be claimed completely and utterly as their
own. That’s fine for single women flexing their sexual muscles.
But once they settle into a relationship, many will continue to do so. This
doesn’t make sense to me at all – and unfortunately I’m privy to the
heartbreak and distress that goes along with this view.
Like it or not, a sexless life is at the root of much heartache and many
affairs and/or relationship break-ups. And although lack of sex can often be
a symptom of other problems that lead a relationship to break down, it can
also be the cause.
At the risk of being called old-fashioned (though I don’t think that
old-fashioned should always have negative connotations) and antifeminist,
I’d go so far as to say that for both partners sex could be considered a
duty, if it is something that one partner knows would make the other happy.
Does he really want to go up on the roof to repair a leak on a Sunday
afternoon?
Does she really want to take out the rubbish in the pouring rain? No, but
partners in relationships do such things because they know that it makes the
other happy. Sex should be seen in the same light.
I am not advocating submission. I oppose the idea that anyone should feel
pressured into sex; I understand that the “sexualisation” of society often
puts unnatural expectations on both women and men. I am merely pointing out
that sex, as with other parts of a relationship, needs constant care and
compromise. Why should the sexual area of a relationship be ringed by an
emotional fence that makes it a no-go zone for discussion, while other areas
are discussed openly, argued over and resolved?
Sometimes where sex has waned, both parties initially had different physical
needs that were not discussed openly at the time. I have spoken to a fair
few thirty-something women who settle down with a “decent chap” knowing that
he’ll make a good father. On producing babies, though, many such men find
themselves left out in the cold when they still desire the sexual warmth
that they initially enjoyed. Such complete sexual pragmatism seems fair to
these women, but what about the men? To them, sexually, men don’t seem to
matter much once they have served their purpose.
Sometimes both partners feel that sex does not rank highly on their list of
priorities. That’s fine. There’s no negotiation necessary when you’re both
in agreement. But many women simply feel that their lives are too stressful,
or that they are dealing with other relationship issues, and they don’t want
to raise sex as yet another issue with which to contend.
That is a very dangerous place to be if the man doesn’t feel the same way. You
may find, as Emily did, that he will seek sexual satisfaction without you. I
certainly don’t justify infidelity but I can often understand why it
happens. In contrast, when a woman’s sexual needs are denied, Heaven help
the man responsible.
Jessica, 36, a political lobbyist, told me that she felt strongly that she and
her husband were too young to give up enjoying sexual pleasure. It caused
her much pain that he put long hours at work above consideration for their
sex life. Tellingly, the reaction from many of her friends was “How dare he?”
That goes to the heart of this issue. As women, we have come to expect that we
can control our sex lives completely – but we get angry when a man wants to
do so.
Some may argue that sex is such an intimate and personal set of behaviours and
beliefs that lack of compromise is justified. I would argue quite the
opposite. It is because of its personal nature that sex should be explored
between a couple. And by exploring their differences, and reconciling them,
a couple’s attachment to, and love for, each other is often heightened.
In other cases I have found an even more disturbing attitude: that it’s fine
to use occasional sex in a cold-hearted and calculated way as a favour or
bartering tool for jobs well done by the man.
Amanda, a 38-year-old photographer, bartered sexual favours with her live-in
partner when he did a particularly difficult piece of DIY or nasty bit of
graft, such as unplugging drains. Using sex as a bargaining chip demeans
both partners.
The solution is to take a holistic approach to a relationship and understand
that every part of it – careers, finances, family issues, sex – needs
nurturing and understanding. It’s the “only I count” sexual attitudes that
are killing off much sexual intimacy.
Never be bullied into sexual activity that turns you off or be pressured into
sex that doesn’t satisfy you. But always be prepared to discuss your
feelings and desires and listen to his. Hopefully, that will improve your
sex life and help to strengthen your relationship in other ways, too.
Dr Spurr’s book Fabulous Foreplay: The Sex Doctor’s Guide To Teasing And
Pleasing Your Lover, is published by J R Books at £7.99. Order your copy at
the reduced price of £7.59 (including free p&p) from Times
BooksFirst, 0870 1608080; timesonline.co.uk/booksfirst
