Don't be the slightest bit amazed if you husband 'reverses field' and starts turning you down in later years. When his desire becomes less than 'burning' he may become totally disinterested in sex, with any woman. Will you go and have an affair then because he says no, does one justify the other?

Rachel Park , Oklahoma City, USA

There is a direct, positive correlation between the number of times a spouse says "no" and the level of surprise when the other spouse's affair is revealed

Mike, California, USA

I am ashamed that Pam Spurr is a member of my own sex. She talks of "feminist inspired selfishness" ~ what about the selfishness of men wanting to impose their sexual needs on an unwilling woman?

Helena Wojtczak, Hastings , UK

Sex. We wouldn't exist without it. Yet it is more then just procreation. The foundation of a good solid male/female relationship is made up in part, of a good physical relationship. The ultimate giving and reciving. Without it, it is no longer special, no longer unique. You become friends, close friends, but nothing more.

Johnson, Winona, MN

I don't understand this assumption that men wants more sex than women? I believe some men want sex with different women and this has nothing to do with weather their wife have enough sex with them or not. Rather the opposite as men often get thrilled by the woman not wanting him to much. It's not womens fault if men wishes to behave like sluts. My experience is that men assume women have less sexdrive than men and therefore married men can hassle women like myself for years just because I don't want him. I still don't believe a word if a man says his outrageous behaviour is his wife's fault not being able to satisfy him sexually. And regarding the note from Stephanie Ponn. Why should Hillary Clinton be punished for her husbands behaviour? She seems to know what she is doing. It's not exactly she who is acting like a fool, it's rather him. Let's think straight for once and a while.

Lilly Andersson, New York,

This is EXACTLY why I am not married and know I never will be! There is nothing worse than having sex when you don't want to, and I do believe it is part of the marriage contract. I am also of the opinion that men are NOT MEANT to be monogamous; therefore, if a woman finds a man who is willing to make a commitment to her in marriage, she better damned well be prepared to make some sacrifices when it comes to sex. I am so grateful to be happily single and not have this constant struggle to contend with. I love sleeping alone and waking up alone; not having to come up with excuses about why I don't want sex; not having to give blow jobs because I'm afraid if I don't, he'll find someone who will. At 43, I'm happy that I've escaped marriage all together!!

Anne Jones, New York, New York

Oh yes, god forbid that a woman should take control of her own body. Flower from London, please tell me you are being sarcastic in that comment. No man has any kind of "right" to my body and believe me, my husband would be sickened if anyone suggested he had the "right" to essentially force me into any sexual act - nor would he believe that it is the duty of EITHER partner to tend to their partner's sexual needs.

If a woman or a man 'withholds' sex (and I have a really hard time believing this happens often) then there is obviously a deeper and underlying problem which needs to be addressed, such as that partner feeling undervalued in the relationship. This can be worked out but in a lot of cases the partner being 'denied' may have to rethink the way they are relating to the partner 'denying' sex. Suggesting that a duty is there to be fulfilled is an unenlightened and retrogressive way to look at marital or committed relationship sexual relations.

Corbie, Scottish Borders, UK

Why should we elect a women for pres. who quietly let het husband make a fool of her in front of the entire world

Stephanie Ponn, Chicago, IL

If a woman decides to withhold sex for any reason, a man will only wait so long. Men have an important biological, physical and emotional reason to have sex with their spouse. Many women fail to recognize that or don't even care. Women today are often quite selfish; they want all of the trappings of the good life a man can provide. They just don't really care about keeping their husbands satisfied in the bedroom. Of course, women are more than happy to have sex with a prospective suitor, at least until they have them in their grasp.

Larry, Phoenix, U.S.A./Arizona

I fully agree that for any successful marriage, it's very important to reach a healthy compromise on intimate matters.

I'll be getting married soon, and I wouldn't dream of denying my husband his right to my body, neither would he. Maybe it's easier for me to say this because I know that I love him madly, and he's the only man for me in this world. I don't see things changing either, no matter the post babies stage or age catching up with us.

My thoughts: Where you truly love one another, sex isn't a chore to be performed - it's something you willingly do to please your mate.

Flower, London, UK

The time proven way for a man to stop having sex is to marry the lady.

MARK KLEIN, M.D., OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA

The article makes a good point. But just as in the case of sex, the same can be extended to other areas within a marriage.

Isn't it true for certain women that they find that they are more emotional than their partners, and so expect men to take this into account? I realise this is a generalisation, but I'm just making a point. Similarly, if male libido is 'generally' presumed to be higher than women's, shouldn't women be more considerate of their partners needs? There are myriad areas within a relationship and particularly a marriage where men and women both need to take into account the natural instincts of the other sex. Also, as individuals, husbands and wife both need to be cautious of what they can do to make their partners happy.

I think society has become more and more selfish over time. We tend to think of marriage in the same terms - which is a conflict in itself - it's a union between 2 people.. and both need to realise the nature of commitment they are making.

Viki, Pakistan,

Dr Spurr is dead-on right. When a marriage partner has an affair, all too often third parties berate the person having had the affair as the 'guilty' one without ever considering that maybe - perhaps even probably - the other partner had been withholding sex for a long time. In such a case, then, who is the guilty party? Sometimes, the marriage partner will even withhold sex knowing it will force the other person to seek love elsewhere. Then, the 'injured' party can claim that she or he was the damaged one! What a bunch of nonsense. As my wise Mother has advised to other women, if you want to keep a man, then you never say 'no' to him in the bedroom.

S. Tips, Monrovia, California

The notion (whether held by the perpetrator or the recipient) that sex equates to some kind of currency, reward, control or punishment is what destroys not only marriages but the self respect of both parties.
I've always thought marriage was based on mutual friendship, respect, trust and give and take. Sex, far from being a bargaining chip or control strategy, is a couple's delicious shared secret - hence those little looks that pass between intimates.
Once experienced, there is no comparison to this kind of trust and bond!

merope, Devon,

i don't think that the message of this article is quite right. it seems harsh to say that women who don't desire sex should allow themselves to be used to pacify their partner.

sex is one method of communication in a relationship, and strengthens the bond between partners. sex and intimacy are not mutually exclusive, and it strikes me as extraordinarily sad that those who have committed themselves to marriage cannot find other ways to deepen the bond if sex is a contentious issue.

that said, i accept the importance that many place on sex. however, it is not the aim of many women to "trap" a man into a sexless marriage. people need to learn patience and toleration, and focus on the needs of their partner overall. shifting the emphasis from sex to real intimacy might bring sex into perspective and lead to more successful relationships.

joan, edinburgh,

My husband had the lower sex drive not me. I was a willing partner in life and love. I am fit and active. I've been told I'm beautiful by many people - male and female. I'm happy and kind. I'm stylish and young guys are trying to pick me up all the time. I'm educated and earned more money than my husband for most of our almost ten year marriage. He left the first year he made more money than me. I never said no to sex with him unless he was too drunk. When I tried to initiate sex he ignored me - not even a gentle decline. I burn when I read that everyone thinks women are the only ones with the problem of no sex marriage. We had sex once every six weeks from the time he was 25 to 38! By the way, the ex is Australian and he's now suing for half the house I owned for seven years before we were married (4 before I even met him)! Folks, there are skunks of both genders.

J, Calgary, Canada

What so many people seem to forget is that marriage is supposed t be a partnership. It is possible to be equal but different. Partnership includes the concept of compromise. As for sex being a duty or not. Yes it is, but no more of a duty than the many other things that make up a good relationship. It is a duty of both partners to do what is needed to build and strengthen the relationship. That means that sometimes our own personal timing might be off but if we truly love our other halves and want them to be happy we might adjust our expectations. Above all else communication is important. If there are substantial differences in sex drive then it is an issue that must be resolved. Denial is not a valid resolution. Neither is infidelity. Sometimes professional help or advice might be needed. But it cannot be ignored without consequences. Without advocating infidelity, if you withhold a basic human need - don't be surprised at the consequences.

Gary, Peterborough, UK

All women treat sex as a weapon.
Lower testosterone, lower needs. But they have the power to choose, something we men do not have.
And so they use us.
Over, and over, and over, and over...

Gerbil, Los Angeles, U.S.A.

I'm a 44 yr old man having twice a year sex.I am not a good husband ,i dont wash up,i empty the dishwasher;i dont do the laundry.I pay bill for the washer -dryer and iron my clothes and the childrens .When i come in from work i find at times the house is not clean to my standards ,so i get out the hoover i bought and sort it out.As mentioned by others my marital problems stem from money...having paid £108,000 in mortgage payments over the last 15 years my wife had to recently step in and make these payments for 5 to 6 months while i was unemployed(previously she had been through the same experience for over 12 months) strangely at that time our relationship did not change.But since my bad luck it has,i married a woman i felt i was compatible with;modern appliances take away her "tired" excuse...selfish control is what's occuring here..if i wanted a "companion" i should have bought a dog ..i wonder what my wife married me for ? security ?..lets see how she cope's on her own!!

derek, kingston, surrey

Are the husbands good lovers? Is it going to be worth a womans while having sex with them, or is she going to be disappointed?

Is the husband doing his fair share of work in the house and paying the bills?

If the answer is no, why be surprised when she is too tired for sex?

Sarah, Gillingham,

Abolish marriage, replace it with child rearing contracts that specify who pays for what when including all expenses related to the rearing of a child (insurance and education included, insurance required on signatories to cover if they cannot pay).

No more divorce, relationship lasts only as long as each partner works at it. End of relationship does not change the contractual agreement, nor does it involve court battles.

A standardized contractual agreement applies in cases of accidental pregnancy (condom use shoots up, sexual disease rates wane).

Crazee, London, UK

Sara from London makes the important point that if men were a bit more in touch with their masculine sides, half of these problems wouldn't exist. Guys, you have to make yourself attractive to women! No-one has right to have sex - she has to want you first. So smarten yourself up, raise your game in the bedroom, and above all start acting like a man. That means never, ever acting needy or stroppy about sex.

I don't feel as smug as Sara. In fact my own marriage went through the once-every-couple-of-months phase, but I've pulled it back round to a couple of times a week. Gentlemen, it's about you. Don't listen to all that rubbish about candles in the bedroom, reading poetry, presents etc. That's for people with a decent sex life to begin with. It won't work.

How these married women think it's OK to drift along with a non-existent sex life defeats me, but still, hectoring them isn't going to work. You've got to make her desire you.

Riccardo, Birmingham,

Don't worry, she's thinking about his needs...and how to use them to her advantage.
This is not about sex, or not doing sex, it is all about control and power, who has it, who uses it, who can keep it.
Women have been leading men with the unfulfilled promise of sex since long before Lysistrata's rebellion, for the single purpose of having men's resources at their beck and call.
Women's lib didn't kill sex.
Women did.

Glaroon, Los Angeles, U.S.A.

Hee, this is like something from a Victorian marriage manual. 'Lie back and think of England.' If sex was as necessary as eating and breathing, everybody who wasn't doing it would have dropped dead. I feel sorry for the writer's partner - clearly she's written the book in an attempt to guilt-trip him into performing more in the bedroom!

Chris, Cambridge,

A lot of the comments focus on incompatibility, misunderstanding and selfisness. Sex is a basic need for all human beings but it changes over time. In your teens and 20's its a case of 'wham bam thank you Ma'am'. Then it gets better. You have less of it and the quality is higher. You spend less time having intercourse and spend more in loving, developing sensitivity and learning to touch and not just feel. Both partners need to get satisfaction and mutual satisfaction can result if both are willing to delight the other.
The problems start when thre is a lack of communication and selfishness. That's always been a problem and needs to be addressed by both sides. Sex is good for the health and it cuts down on stress. In fact it helps carers and it helps do business better. If more people understood this basic fact there would be less problems and more sex all around.

B, Karachi, Pakistan

Aaw you ladies talk about such nice stuff.

It's cosy here, in the Ladies Room.

Will anyone say yes to me, being all soft and sensitive and stuff, or do you want a caveman?

But I agree on this idea that women should consider a man's needs, even if they don't feel like it. This is normal for both men and women in other kinds of transactions, but the feminists hacked into this subject and it spread like a computer virus.

Joe, Manchester,

This is why men should avoid marriage. Men marry for having a steady supply of sex. Women have sex until they get married to make sign you the contract and then, they are interested in other things. But then you can't divorce them without giving them half of your assets, child support and, even worse, your beloved kids. So sex is the bait and hook is marriage. Then you die in agony like a fish.

Marrying is giving a woman the monopoly of your sex life so she can deny your most basic needs (and sometimes manipulate you for this). Don't marry. This way, when a woman feels entitled to deny you sex or use sex as a carrot, you will be able to scream with joy "NEXT!"

And if you are in a sexless marriage, you have right to have affairs. Some women scorn the concept of sex as a marital duty. All right, so be it. But then monogamy is not a marital duty either. It's outrageous such a big hypocrysy on behalf on some women.

Jack, Madrid, Spain

All the ladies who have said here things like that:

"Women don't need sex the way men would like to have it. Duty,,, I'd rather a good book! "

"you're not allowed to sleep with her whether she wants you to or not- it's called rape"

"I bet there are a lot of women ... whose greatest fantasy is to have separate bedrooms!"

"I would never have sex simply because I was in a relationship"

"You must earn sex" (How? Doing whatever your wife wants?).

All these ladies (I repeat), would you please tell these sentences to your S.O. BEFORE THE WEDDING??? This way your boyfriend will know how the marriage will be and he can decide if it is worthwhile or not.

This is the honest thing to do instead of lying and making believe the poor fool that he is going to have sex with the same frequency than before the wedding. I think using sex as a bait for a sexless marriage is way too manipulative. Women who do that are despicable.

Don't marry, young man!!! Don't be fool!!

Pedro, Madrid, Spain

Sex isn't important.
Power and control is.
Especially to women who view men as tools and possessions.

Michael Miller, San Francisco, CA

Seems to me that too may people commenting here think too much.

What is the problem?

Our house has more shelves than the British Library (rewarded of course), I volunteer to take out the garbage in the pouring rain and I feel so much better after my wife told me that sex is bad for you.

She's also my best friend.

No problem .

Not telling, Quelque part, France

Heterosexaul relationships-how interesting that the 19th Century author of the originating article talks about duty! the tow would seem to go together. In fact when it comes to women backing off obligatory sex, (force is a little more and it's rape) we are seeing natural selection and normal female behaviour coming into play here. As men are hard-wired to couple with anything that moves so as to propogate themselves, women are hard-wired to concentrate on general survival behaviour (work, food procuring and home) and to limit sex, thus limiting the babies they may find themselves having to bring up.

The heterosexual "couple" escpecially when isolated in a 2 up 2 down is about the most unatural of human relationships. Men get on better with men, women with women, but suddenly they are epected to sheer away from family and friends to be with someone with whom the main link is flirtation and sex. Then the novelty and rush of desire wears off and the wide gulfs that separate women and men becomes evident.

Women don't need sex the way men would like to have it. Duty,,, I'd rather a good book!

SisterK, Oxford, England

Enough with all the nonsense. Men have been paying for sex for centuries and now that women have been liberated, they must have their's also. The writer was right in declaring that there is no difference in dating for sex or marrying for sex. But the fact of the matter is GOD has cursed promiscuis sex with all kinds of disease. None of our opinions will matter in that day of Judgement when we all shall face the judge.

Stonewall, Bakersfield, CA

Surely the core of this article is compromise. If in a partnership one side takes a stance over which there is no negotiation the nature of which upsets the other party then conflict will result. What seems to cause a great deal of strife is that this is presented as a one way argument - its always the woman witholding sex - and in reality that does seem to be the more common situation but it sometimes isnt the case and equally there are many other situations where men take a fixed position to the detriment of their relationship.

Bottom line is no one in a relationship can do something unilaterally that upsets the other party and not expect in the end that there will be consequences

d, london, uk

If it is so difficult for women with jobs and careers to have any desire for sex,then it is not possible to have a family life.It is also not possible for their children to have fathers.But it is a child's right to have a father...Now,which is more important for society,personal careers for women and disfunctional society,or housewives and functioning families with fathers???
The answer is obvious....

martin, penang, malaysia

Right, it is all about control, all while they vilify men for being control freaks. Paying for sex is the only way to go.

SGA, Brandon, FL

"No one here is saying you are obliged to have sex with your man. But if you choose not to, you might well find yourself looking for another man. "

Translation: have sex with your man, or else.
Other translation: you are obliged to have sex with your man.

I'm so glad I'm a lesbian (no, I don't hate men, and I'm not a feminist either).

S., L.,

This article places more importance on sex when the importance should be on communication between the people in the relationship.

Sex, the desires and "needs" of your partner need to be discussed, not just tossed aside and not just "submitted" to because of fears of infidelity. Sex is not, nor should it be, a "duty." It should be an expression of intimacy within the relationship, but when there are outside stresses: work, children, household duties, arguments within the relationship, there's going to be a problem with the sexual aspect, most likely.

Those outside factors need to be taken care of before sex--free of ultimatums and fears--can happen.

Lindsey, Nashville,

The man who has a great sex life will love his woman all the more. In general, it means he can face the world outside, fight for his rights, bring home the bacon, and with love willingly lavish his all on his woman. While there are plenty of ifs and buts the feminist may wheel out, plenty, I'm sure, that are justifed, nevertheless this is a fundamental truth. If the woman denies the man, barters too hard, doesn't care for his needs, and doesn't get involved herself, then don'tbe surprised if life doesn't turn out like a bed of roses. On the other hand, a man shoudn't have to ask for sex - through his actions being a good man he should expect his woman to willingly give herself to him. And yes, he should get past his inibitions and learn to become a great lover. Otherwise maybe he shouldn't be surprised if she gets it from the milkman.

Daniel Clee, London,

Its taken me a serious illness a child with adhd being an unpaid carer for my parents and daughter and being turned down for treatment because i was an un paid carer to finally realise why my men went off with the same type of women. ones that need looking after and dont have the same level of interlect as my self . Ive brought up 3 kids one has a first in phycology and a distinction on his masters my first born is also a strong woman and my 3rd child is having the life i was told was imposiable for her because i wouldnt give in and i home educated her and made up her special needs were their was non. the alternative was permanant institutionalization. i just didnt get why males were not as strong and determined as i. ive faught the nhs and i will be getting the treatment i need

Heather Yeoman , Eastgrinstead, mid sussex

Would one marry a man without a penis? Would one marry a woman without a vagina?

Joseph, South Bend, USA

Sexual compatability is as important in a relationship as fiscal responsibility. To get to the point where it is used as a carrot for prodding your signifcant other or even worse when it is used as a weapon - well, move on. Sex is wonderful and when you find someone who has the same needs, wants and desires as you it is just incredible. And besides the pure pleasure that is gained - it's great for the skin, burns calories, it keeps all of our personal plumbing in good working order and you always sleep better after a little roll in the hay.
More sex, less war! Sounds like a plan.

Crumy, London, UK

I think this makes a lot of sense. Dr Spurr does not suggest that it is either partner's fault, merely that any relationship problem, including infidelity, is a 2 way street. communicate.

Gary, edinburgh, Scotland

Like the ads say, "Just Do It." Throw your husband a bone and have sex with him once a week. See how much nicer, happier and accomodating he is when you do. I have known my husband for 20 years, happily married for 12, and when I don't "put out" he gets put out (he has never told me this, I figured it out on my own). This isn't old fashioned, it's just the way it is.

Michelle, Washington DC,

Although it's rarely too late, I think men would be well advised to address the situation promptly if they're dissatified with their sex lives, and to expect the problem to be resolved.
"...for if we wait too long, we risk learning that life is not a game that is won... or lost... it is a game that, too often, simply isn't played".

Dave, Southampton, UK

So, let's see Karen and Lola, you both apparently have an aversion to housework, and both think that a person who's denied a basic human need, like physical intimacy should just take their medicine and like it. I mean marriage is all about You, right?

You both sound like real gems. Best of luck to the schmucks you end up with (they're obviously going to need it).

As I said earlier:

Several girlfriends and a good maid > virtually all wife material you're going to find in the modern West.

Way cheaper. Way more fun.

JB, Evanston,

Perhaps if Emilys partner helped a little more with the domestic duties she would not be so tired after a long day at work.

Way to blame the woman for the actions of her partner, clearly it is HER fault if he goes out and cheats.

Karen, Sydney,

Perhaps if Emilys husband helped her more with domestic duties that she must attend to outside of her job, she would not have been so tired for sex?

I don;t see why the woman has to take the blame for their partner cheating, this is rubbish.

Lola , Sydney,

I have been married for 47 years and have thought long and hard about submitting my comment.
Sex is a factor which has been singularly absent during our marriage. Before any time, any place was the norm.Admittedly, my wife was pregnant when we married and it is perfectly possible that I must accept the blame that I prevented her from following a career. However, discussion usually ended in argument and the accusation that 'it's all you ever think about'. Sex was occasionally granted as a huge favour, but it was always rushed and I was told to hurry up. There was no tenderness - it was a mechanical act. I begged, cajoled, pleaded, but thenaswer was almost always 'no'.
Four months ago, she apologsed for not beiung a sexy little kitten, so I tok the chnace to ask what I had been doing wrongly. 'Nothing' was the reply. 'I just didn't want to.' I have never mentioned this to anyone else. To whom could I talk?
Now, it's too late to redress the situation. Have others faced this problem?

Iain Parsons, Brampton, UK

Well Sara - you do seem to be pretty sure of yourself. Now I'm not sure the same applies to you but most alpha CEOs actually have a very low sex drive and make pretty poor lovers given that their egos absorb most of their nervous enerygy. And people who think they are 'high flyers' tend to go for a fall next round of redundancies.

I made partner some years back - my income is well and truly into six figures and my wife reports direct to the main board of a FTSE 100 company. And we last had sex about six months ago!!

A little more compassion and sensitivity might have been more becoming.

Mark, London,

Having read this article and most of the comments, it's easy to see why cohabitation is increasingly replacing marriage.
Men will simply not take the risk of an expensive divorce within a few years when their wives no longer want sex.
That situation is less likely to arise in cohabitation, and more easily resolved if it does.

Dave, Southampton, UK

My wife walked away from a sexual relationship with me early in our marriage. After 12 years I suppose the average is now once every 6 months. For a while it was the subject of negotiation - 'Not now, later', 'After you have mowed the lawn' and so on. I realised that 'Not now' meant 'No' and it was easier to stop raising the subject.

On the one hand I miss it enormously - there is nothing wrong with wanting to make love with a woman and there is nothing I have to be ashamed of in that respect. But so far I have just developed a close friendship with my right hand - and contrary to some suggestions here that's not the same.

On the other hand I love my wife and we have two wonderful children. I'm not going to smash up their lives over this and the idea that its 'easy' to just walk away in these circumstances is just absurd.

Its a difficult situation and I can't see any way out. Talking to friends though I know I'm not alone - in fact it seems to be quite common.

Michael, London,

Sex? No thanks. Not my cup of tea. Fun and exciting in our early 20s. Produced our kids for us and now it has served its purpose. Glad all that nonsense is now finished with and my good lady wife and I can simply enjoy each other's company sans all the embarrassing, physical stuff we were so keen on in our youth. Haven't bothered with it since - don't intend to bother with it again. We have fulfilled our natural function and had three fantastic kids, so now I'm looking forward to middle age free from having the requirement to "perform" and "fertilise". For those who enjoy sex in their later years I say good for you. We don't, so we don't bother with it and we're quite happy that way, thanks!

Stu-Potty, S Yorks, UK

Before we even talk about Feminismusssss we need to remember where it came from, how it originated, and where it flowrished last century. It seems everybody forgot for a 'good' of political correctness that took a form of a modern fashism that tells us how to behave and what to say. What is the difference between communists & nazis @ last century and modern feminism and political correctness? NONE.
Soviet Union and Nazi Germany were the feeding grounds to the movement that's going out of control in our society today. It looks like we are breeding ourselves out for a purpose of consuming goods and make large companies more profitable.
Is it something you, yes you, want to do. It means you do not care about your country and your family! Think about.

Alex, London,

Personally, I need sex almost every day of the week. This article simply illustrates one more reason why men in the modern West should avoid marriage like the plague. If your woman gets bratty and withholds sex to annoy you, you have no recourse. If you kick her to the curb you face divorce and financial calamity, and if you stay you endure a forced celibacy. Why do men get married, when it's become such an unappealing arrangement?

A maid and a few girlfriends > The average western wife nowadays

Much cheaper, and MUCH more satisfying.

Now, I'm not going to let men off the hook entirely. Women love sex even more than men do, and if your wife isn't trying to get it from you two to three times a week, then you're almost certainly the reason and you need to step up your game in the bedroom bigtime (since she'll either be very unhappy or simply getting it somewhere else). In this regard I recommend David Shade's material as the best stuff out there.

Well that's my 2¢.

JP, Evanston,

Stats show women who characterise themselves as feminist tend to have HIGHER sex drive. Submissive types have less oestrogen/testosterone, so feel less drive all round. In case study I present myself - I'm a high flying career type and if I don't get it regularly I go nuts! My man, who is the most alpha of alphas (CEO of his firm, great cook, and all around Adonis), and I agree the best cure for tiredness or stress is our bed and each other, sans pyjamas.

It's you omega middle-managers, who married simpering insipid bimbos so you could feel like big breadwinners and at least be senior partners in your home lives, who'll agree with this article. I know from personal experience that your alpha boss, with his alpha woman, wakes up daily to a thorough ravishment.

Sara, London,

Here here. It's nice to hear a woman say that men aren't bastards for caring about sex. I'm a raving feminist in the sense that I think men and women should be equal, but Dr Spurr's example shows how the needs of women have come to completely dominate any discourse about sex and relationships; the 'How dare he' example illustrates the man-as-bad-guy rubbish which dominates so much of this. It used to be woman as sluts and men as studs - now it's women as kinky and liberated, men as emotionally retarded troglodytes. Decent men with a high sex drive and a healthy desire for women are often made to feel like perverts in this world, where women are increasingly setting the sexual agenda to suit themselves. Go women, but just remember that men aren't the bad guys. And we know this isn't th 1950s, but it's romantic, and sexy, when you at least pretend to need us a bit.

Nick, Shanghai, China

What is feminism?

Jonathan, Newton Abbot, Devon

It's interesting what you say, and not inconsistent with my observations. Really, feminism has passed it's use-by date. Build on the erroneous notion of organized patriarchal oppression of women, we now have as a result the organised feminist oppression of men.

The sexual issue, being a general social taboo is especially fraught. But essentially, a relationship with most feminists is less fun than celibacy.

stuart munro, Bundang, Korea

The title says it all: "Has feminism killed sex?" The follow-up article will no doubt be: "Is feminism killing the species?" and will cite statistics on how women are no longer factories for producing babies and are even (gasp!) going childless willingly.

How is feminism the enemy? The feminist ideology actually yields a better sex life for both partners because a woman values herself enough to be sexually satisfied and will seek out a partner with similar aims. And feminism isn't anti-sex or anti-men. It encourages equality between the sexes, so compromise is built into that dynamic. It's not about controlling men or manipulating them - these are antifeminist notions. Look up the term before you slander it and blame it for something caused by miscommunication.

Oh and let's be frank - I'm sure women have refused sex in their marriages before the term 'feminism' existed.

Rosemary, Bronx, NY

I understand that the “sexualisation” of society often puts unnatural expectations on both women and men. I am merely pointing out that sex,
--
Do you really understand the sexualization of society? Because last I checked it was mostly about unnatural expectations for women. All you have to do is look at het porn to figure out that women are just objects, fragments by which men TAKE pleasure.

Also, you don't seem to understand the gains of women and the responsibilities they now have to go to work full time and on top of that come home to do ALL the housework and take care of ALL the needs of the children. Women are usually to damn tired.

Again, you bring feminism into this as if it's the enemy of men everywhere; tells me you don't really understand feminism and its goals.

Blame it on the woman. You've got nice rhetoric though, just not a good handle on reality.

Sael Palani, Vancouver, Canada

A great article, the only thing I disagree with is that enforced celibacy in a relationship is no excuse for seeking sex elsewhere.

Sex is important, at least to most people and certainly most men, although it is certainly over-hyped for commercial reasons.

Many people could make an improvement, just by talking about sex. Something that does not come easily, but does improve trust substantially. It also gives you both self-confidence as it removes the taboo status sex enjoys, without taking away any of the pleasure.

Peter B, Stevenage, UK

What a cutting edge topic. I remember reading about it in 1980. If you have this much space to fill, I have some stories I can send you.

S. P. , Seattle, USA

Ladies,

No one here is saying you are obliged to have sex with your man. But if you choose not to, you might well find yourself looking for another man.

Believing that your man should be faithful but celibate is merely possessing him for the sake of possession, which I condemn. Life is short, either love your man or let someone else have him.

David, Brighton, UK

it is silly to believe that feminism has anythign to do with withholding sex. I am a feminist and I understand that sex between my partner and myself is a mutual affiar. If he wants to try something I am almost ALWAYS Good, Giving, and Game. The feminist side of me simply expects the same thing back .

Barbra J. Bearden, Washington, DC

Granted, I'm single, but it's my observation that men physically slow WAY down after age 30. I've been reading articles like this my whole life, so imagine my surprise to find that men can hardly keep up sexually. Seriously, I'd like sex at least 3 times a week - my boyfriend's fine with once - and that's not even a definite. And forget doing it twice in row!

Sara, Los Angeles, CA

If women (it's not always women, but men, too) are put off sex in a relationship, there needs to be communication why this is. Putting all the responsibility on the wife to 'fulfil' her husband's needs when she doesn't want to have sex is wrong, because you shouldn't force somebody to do something that should be great for both parties. If a couple have a difference in libido, talk sensibly, and partners don't mind obliging their partner when they are a bit less into it, that's fine, if it's a choice freely made, not a chore.

Also, many women are very busy. If they do the cleaning and looking after kids, and maybe work, no wonder they are tired! Their husbands should help out and try to get them into the mood, too. If they only approach their wives lovingly when they want sex and ignore them the rest of the time- what do you expect? Nobody has any right to demand sex- if you're really incompatible- leave. Compromise can only go so far- it won't work if you are both unhappy.

Tilly, London, UK

Likewise, blokes, if she's manipulative, leave, don't whine you're not allowed to sleep with her whether she wants you to or not- it's called rape, and it doesn't get less wrong if you're married to the person. I'm sure there are women and men who ose sex as a power playing game, but you don't have to be with them.

If you really have to pester your partner for sex, something is wrong that needs seeing to.

I just don't like how the article puts the onus on women to satisfy their men and fix relationships, rather than on the men to fulfil themselves (sans partner- you know how to do it guys, it's free, guilt free and perfectly natrual!), or on both of them to talk honestly and openly as couple and find a solution. Where's the advice to men on how to satisfy their partner, or how to put her in the mood (hint: helping with the huge pile of laundry might help- so long as you don't think she owes you sex), or to try and save thier relationships? Why is it womens' faults if men stray?

Tilly, London, UK

I'm a feminist- and I LOVE sex. My boyfriend is one of the most sexually satisfied guys you'll ever meet. I positively LEAP on him every night, and most mornings, and some afternoons, too. What these women were missing in their lives wasn't their sex drive, but communication and mutual respect. If a woman wants to invest her own money, what place does her husband to say she can't? If my boyfriend tried to argue with me about the way I spend my money, I'd probably not want sex with him either- or even a relationship, for that matter. As for "Emily's" case, why is the woman alone being blamed? Last I knew, men are the ones who have control over where they decide to put their penis. But that is skirting the issue entirely- affairs are not only about sex, but are symptom of a deeper problem, which means the blame for affairs rests on both sets of shoulders. One thing I agree with-communication about sex is lacking in many relationships and that definitely needs to be addressed FIRST.

blondein_tokyo, Tokyo, Japan

I think its interesting that the majority of men commenting on the article agree with it (as do I) and the majority of women dont agree with it.

At the end of the day it's how you feel in the relationship that counts. If you feel that you should have sex more often and your partner doesnt want to, then clearly thats an issue for both parties there has to be some comprimise otherwise things will deterioate.

I totally agree that sex is used as a weopon and that is morally wrong.

Chris, London,

What a silly article. What on earth has "feminism" got to do with it? You think men were getting better sex when women weren't allowed to vote? Think again. In the nineteenth century (and before), "nice" women put up with sex on sufferance as a purely procreative act -- and after repeated childbirth many refused (or weren't able to) have sex full stop. It's pure fantasy to think that in "ye olde days" all women were little willing sex objects for their husbands and nasty old feminism is to blame for men not getting any. If anything, sex in the modern world is far better for both men and women. If people -- men and women -- are too stressed to have sex, why not write an article about the long-hours working culture we have in the UK, OR the cultural expectations given to men (and some women) by readily-available pornography, that promotes unrealistic, unfulfillable fantasies of robot-like porn sex? It's a lazy, unthinking argument to pin it as the women's fault or "feminism"'s fault.

Isabel, London,

I believe that we have strong sex drives at the beginning of a relationship because nature wants us to procreate. After a while, we stop fancying eachother - or at least one partner does and that's usually the woman.

Trying to force yourself to have sex with the partner you love but don't fancy any more can make you feel like a sex worker. It is almost impossible if you just really, really don't want to do it. It is not like there seems to be any reward for it. The sex worker does, after all, get instant cash.

I'd like to offer up the other scenario - I bet there are a lot of women who ARE doing their wifely duty (out of fear of losing their partners) whose greatest fantasy is to have seperate bedrooms!

Crystal, London, UK

Dan Savage has written a lot on this topic in his column for The Stranger magazine - and it's wrong to say that it's a male-only problem (although more often men seem to have a higher sex-drive than the women in their lives). Sex drives and desires are part of us, they define what we are - men and women. If one partner has a higher sex drive than the other, then for the relationship to work in the long term, the partner with the lower drive has to recognise that and try to compensate and reach and agreement - because if she/he doesn't, their other half will find that satisfaction and intimacy elsewhere, either before or after the relationship ends.

JDB, Warwick, UK

I have to aadmit that over the years I have become increasingly puzzled by women who ended up in the divorce courtsbecause their husband had been having an affair, only to discover that they had not had sex for years before the affair began. What did they expect?

Denise Ball, Oldbury, England

I find the premise of this article quite offensive, totally unsubstantiated (where's the research??????) and the link to what the author calls "feminism" quite bizarre.

In my book, sex involves two people having loving communication. It's not a gift to be given to a man and certainly not a duty. Of course sex is an important part of a relationship and if two people have sex rarely or never, they should confront this fact and try to find out why it has happened. But to insinuate that this is through some fault of a woman simply because she is a woman/has a career, is truly wrong.

And by the way I love sex!!!! But I would never have sex simply because I was in a relationship.

A M Quinn, Bristol, UK

Presumably Agarttha, if sex is so unimportant you wont have a problem with your man going somewhere else for it?

Will you marry me?

Rod Munch, Northampton, UK

It strikes me as highly interesting to see the mainly male responses to this otherwise very insightful article... Most identify with the projected problem while most women, in turn, illustrate the doctors point exactly! It goes to say, however, that sex as a weapon or tool is not only used in heterosexual relationships and mainly by women, but are equally as common in homosexual relationships. I found that with my partner, open and honest discussions helped even though feelings were hurt.

Student, Singapore,

I am a 58 year old male, divorced since 1991. I like having sex every day, as do most men. The women I have frequented since my divorce all told me they adored visiting me and "honeymooning" for a week or so, but couldn't see living with me, as "I would just never be able to keep up with you sexually!" My own marriage failed after children were born and my wife focused on them entirely, and gave up wanting sex entirely. I have a friend here in France, more patient than myself, whose wife refused sex for six years before he finally divorced her. No infidelity was involved. My ex, his ex and a number of other ex wives, have all begged to be taken back since and declared that they had made a terrible mistake. I refused and every divorced man I know refused. Somebody should tell 'em all, "Girls, generally, men don't give you a second chance if you divorce them." so, have sex with them instead

victor compton, Cherbourg, France

Its a proven fact that feminists have BETTER relationships than non-feminists.
So when she says that us feminists need to give it up so that our significant others dont "seek sexual satisfaction" elsewhere, shes wrong.

diane, NY,

This is so ridiculous. I agree with Ben. Sure sex may be an important part but it's not the most important part. Besides, a man or woman feeling they are being forced into sex is...well...RAPE. Communication should be key in a relationship. Man or woman, if you want it now and your partner isn't giving it to you, have a discussion about it. This is why so many people divorce. Because they don't discuss issues like this until it's too late. Sex is not a right. You must earn sex.

Ellie, P, WV, USA

seems to me that women need to feel loved before they will have sex, whereas men need to have to sex to feel loved. and that's your basic problem.

for men, it's not just a physical desire (in the context of a relationship), but a need to be close. women think that if they withhold sex, men will improve their behaviour. in fact, men will begin to question whether any of this is worth it.

that said, of course, when the boot is on the other foot, women do not see sex as "not that important". they are well used to refusing it when they are tired; however, if they want it and they don't get it, they are not exactly understanding. and, if they want good sex and they get bad sex, that can also be a problem (I hear).

you talk about submission, agarttha, but it seems that men have to submit in so many ways, usually to some passive-aggressive unreasonable witch so she can joke about it with her girlfriends. and yet we're still not as bitter as you appear to be. :0)

jem, london, uk

I'm a woman and I completely agree with this article. Sex should be the most important aspect of a relationship. It is intimacy, closeness, love, passion. It is the heart and soul of my relationship, and I have a darned fabulous one! There are times he wants sex and I don't, or I want it and he doesn't, but we both give to each other, and inadvertently end up completely into the moment. We have sex a lot (at least once a day) and I wouldn't have it any other way, and can't say I blame a spouse for cheating in a sexless relationship. I couldn't handle a relationship without passion. Some of the responses on here sound bitter, angry and repressed. You may want to look into marriage counseling for the source of that bitterness because sex likely has nothing to do with it, and if you're having great sex, you wouldn't be writing that!

Ashley, Atlanta, USA

Can i just say..i absolultey love how if there is a reply to a comment..it is likely to be in response to atleast a reasonable comment...i swear some of the comment, though, i suppose "valid" due to every ones opinion counts, but jeez...take it easy fellas, sex is not a right, and i would question whether sex is even a responsibility..

Im a bloke ans im aussie (if that counts)..my girlfriend has a wayyy higher sex drive than I. 2-3 times per month on average...shed love it more but im just not energetic/urgent or even interested...

i guess that makes me qualified to (almost) to speak in unison with many women....

A modern relationship is based on trust and communication...intercousre should only ever be between two consenting (and enthusiatsic adults)..

Id hate to make love to someone who wasnt 100%..and i mean 100% involved and interested.

Ben, London,

Spot on article. When women disrespect their partners by denying them sex this is the inevitable result. The sexual neglect is really a form of spousal abuse. Unfortunately, the passive-aggressive nature of many women causes them to use sex as a weapon and drives men into having affairs. Sadly, as seen in the article the selfish and vindictive nature of many of these women is denied until it is far too late. Ladies: if you arent having sex with your husband at least once a fortnight then you need to seek professional help. If you dont get help, your man will look elsewhere and there will be no one to blame except yourself.

Queequeg, Anytown, US

Why is everyone so upset? Everything in this article is true and so true that it has been the subject for hundreds of years for jokes and stereotypes and bawdy picture postcards. I work and we have small kids, my head is full and it blocks my sex drive. My husband same situation but no affect on sex drive. So what's the solution? Well I love him and it makes him happy.. and Hell once we get started I might well get into it myself and it puts my head and life back into proportion. Give and take doesn't hurt anyone.

Elfinstar, Rome,

hmmm i searched and searched for how middle aged couples not having sex had anything to do with feminism in this article and couldn't find a single piece of evidence. i guess its another one of those blame feminism for everything wrong in the world arguments.

if married women arent feeling in the mood for sex has anyone thought that it may not be their fault. maybe more communication is needed, more love and affection or maybe the guy is just crap in bed. that would be a hard one to admit for most guys.

to suggest that a worldwide movement that has liberated millions of men and women and continues to fight for equality is to blame for married mens bruised egos is ridcolous i cant even believe this got published.

come on times readers i thought you were supposed to be the clever ones but the responses to this article suggest something completely different.

Steph, kingston, uk

agarttha - You have certainly confirmed a long-held suspicion of mine that some women just aren't interested in sex and never will be.
I feel very sorry for them, because they're in for a hard time if they expect commitment from men.

Dave, Southampton, UK

having read all the responses, i'm fascinated and furious. as a lesbian who was once heterosexual, i have tried to understand sexual dynamics in long term relationships, and as a woman i can say this; a long term relationship requires a certain ability to reinvent oneself and sex has to come from emotional and sexual connection. many longterm lovers of either sex let themselves go and become unattractive, or don't inititate sex, or just don't do a thing around the house and then expect to be serviced. my ex became an increasingly bad lover, expecting sex when she had nothing to give. feminism has nothing to do with it, sexual relationships require innovation to light fires, force of habit is deathly, and loving your own body and taking care of yourself, crucial. while sex is a drive, eros requires more than driven urges, many couples fall into tired habits and fail to keep a marriage alive.

esther, london,

I am confused!

*Do women enjoy sex? Regret I am with the enforced celibate sector, am probably too scared to make too much of an issue at a later stage in life where it's just kind of accepted-the 'norm'-too much to lose-or have I? (no kids).

However if another opportunity arose would I take it-I have declined in the past.

*Present circumstances-No; previous Yes; I also see mixed messages on TV / in the media, hey women do enoy sex so what is wrong with me/partner?

I guess it goes back to the age-old question of 'what women (& men!) really want' & how we can best & honestly communicate it? I live in hope...

sam, cheshire,

male, married for 18 yrs and the sex is down to once every other month. says she has no drive. of course it hits my esteem and confindence. my response started with understanding and then anger and now apathy. she will not seek help. yes, i have talked to her. many times and in detail. no change. i dont understand her attitude. what can i do? i am now looking for a lover. young kids so divorce is not really an option. i don't know. i never pictured this when i was younger - maybe it is just part of the marriage cycle?

alone in a crowd, irvine, ca

Sarah Kenny, Dublin, Ireland - you are totally correct. What I learned from a 15 year failed marriage and an 8 year live-in relationship that also failed, was that generosity is one of the major factors to a successful relationship.

This is not just about sex, but to be repeatedly refused sex damages ego's and makes one feel unwanted and over years unattractive. Any third person who enters the scene and makes that person feel interesting and attractive will be difficult to refuse for either sex.

Generosity extends beyond sex, to being sensitive to your partners wants and needs, and being willing, even if exhausted, to fulfill their needs because you love them. But this has to work both ways.

Bob, Vaxholm, Sweden

I am a mistress. The sex is fantastic but I miss out on everything else that makes a relationship. The wife gets all the rest. It suits a man quite nicely but what about the mistress?
It is harder for most women to avoid emotional involvement in a sexual relationship. There is no neat solution to the problem. I doubt that he would be having an affair after 33 years of faithful marriage if his were still enthusiastic about sex.

Helen, Glasgow, Scotland

Use it or lose it. And that cuts both ways.

Bill, Belfast, N.I.

I find this article and the subsequent comments very interesting. I am married, in my 30s, and my husband and I rarely have penetrative sex. This is not because I am a monsterous career woman (though I do work, sometimes very long hours) or because I withhold sex for political purposes, it is because our lives seem so packed with obligations, responsibilities, and the everyday tasks that fester if left too long.

My husband gets home after 8pm at night, I need to get up at 6:30am, and to be honest, our bond is better served sometimes by me cuddling him in the kitchen and telling him how much I admire and respect what he does for us both as a couple -- working hard, saving, supporting our goals and our future -- than snatching a quickie before we both crash out.

Viv, Leeds,

It's very difficult to maintain a sense of desirablity in a marriage when your husband spends time in front of the computer looking at repellent hard core pornography and on sex chatlines and visits prostitutes. It's no good saying this is not about you - it inevitably has a pernicious and damaging effect.
i did not deny my husbabd sex - if he wanted it that badly he would rape me - he became very angry if i suggested this was what he did but I cannot describe using physical strength to over power sexually in any other way.
I sometimes wake up weeping from dreams of kindness gentleness and consideration.
He's abit like you peter from basildon and Keith from Milton Keynes.
None of this is simple

Bunty, London, England

How about having sex with someone else instead
of constantly trying to flog a dead horse?
If, and it is a big if, if you really do have such a wonderful
relationship then, you will both be turned on by your partner
having good sex with someone else. If you don't, you'll break up, which is probably a good thing. There are too many unsexed miserable people in the world as it is, who live simply trying to pay for their horrendous mortgage, and pretend to love each other "for the children". If you want to be an actor join a local theatre troupe!

Mark Souter, london, uk

"Darling, I'm getting past playing the bedroom scene, so why don't you take yourself off the BKK for a week and get rid of some of than surplus energy. And while you're there, pick me up a couple of silk dresses." Now that would work. NOT.
Hell, the guy's not being unfaithful; he simply getting laid. Not much more than getting the car serviced. Potentially cheaper; these Porsche dealers charge like a wounded rhino.

Andrew Milner, Yokohama, Japan

Holly G from London. Don't give me that load of twaddle. Most men I know (including myself) would fly around the earth to make their partner feel desired and loved. But in the end, the woman has the final say on sex. If she says no because she thinks sex isn't important, or has no interest, the guy is going to start feeling neglected and he will find greener pastures eventually. It is not good enough to simply say you are no longer interested in sex and expect your male partner to go along with that. Women who think so are naive. Perhaps,sexual expectations should be discussed before marriage and that may prevent problems in the bedroom after marriage. BTW, my partner has no complaints about how I treat her, and I have no complaints about the bedroom :)

Dalton, Toronto, Ca

I identified with the issues in this article. However, it was as a woman who walked out on a relationship earlier this year due to this very problem and not because I was the one saying 'no'. I had been in a relationship for 10 years and still loved and fancied my partner the same if not more than when we had first met. It was not as though we never made love - just that he controlled when - totally. After trying my hardest to find out why this was and hoping to solve the problem I decided I was too young (in my early 40's) to have my sex life controlled entirely by someone else with long stretches of enforced celibacy. Thank fully I am now very happy with a new man who is far more open and giving but I would say that being with someone you love and fancy who keeps saying 'no' is far worse than being on your own.

Wendy, Bath,

Dr Spurs advice is stunningly similar to the advice given by God in 1 Corinthians 7 v 2-6. Where we are warned of the dangers of not fulfilling our marital duities toward one another - it does sadly increase the likelyhood of adultery if we reject our parners sexually.

The bad news (or Good news!) is however that even if your sexual realtionship with your spouse is not what you would wish, you must love him/her anyway, and remain faithful to him/her alone.
Two wrongs never make a right!

DJ, Belfast, Northern Ireland

In my case it took 14 years of marriage for me to question why my wife was withholding sex from me. Unfortunately I went the "rational" way of trying to find out whether there had been some kind of "bad" experience in her past.
The consequences of this were even more traumatic for I learned not only that she hadn't had any of such, but also that prior to our getting together she'd been sexually active to the extreme of promiscuity .
Again, unfortunately, this was like a Pandora box that let all the demons out. After two years of trying to come to terms with this I can't stand it anymore and I've decided this relationship is over.
Shame!

Arthur, Watford, Herts

Marion - Galway : Without going into intimate and unnecessary detail, the issue you address is amazingly receptive to communication, being prepared to try things and above all treating each other as equals. Its not something the man "does" to the woman, that wouldn't remotely interest me and I think I have a high sex drive.

Dave, Cardiff,

I agree with Wolf's comments. My wife has done a fantastic job bringing up my two kids but at my expense so to speak. Her whole life revolves around them ALL the time even though they are now 25/22 respectively.

John H

John, Northampton, UK

And we wonder why marriage is becoming a thing of the past.

Dave, Singapore,

The article is interesting and includes some truth. But it misses an essential point: What happens to the couple, as to most couples, once the first child has arrived? The man, the father, the beast, he stays sex-driven. But the woman, she is suddenly no longer the willing sex-kitten, she has become a mother for her baby. This is biology which doesn't give a damn about all profound sex-theories experts might develop. The woman loses the man out of her focus for months and will dedicate her time to the child. If the couple is not able to work out this dramatic biological change, the relationship is over after the first child. Mostly they produce another child, thinking that this will repair the breaks, but it will not, of course. I am 57, have been married for over 30 year, and have raised with my wife 3 children. But as with so many other couples here we have been leading for a long time a mortgage-based marriage, united in paying the bills. Sex? I am a monster when mentioning it.

Wolf Bruer, Manchester, UK/Cheshire

"banal and ordinary and fleetiing" says Agartha from London.

How glad I am that the women in my life have seen it differently.

Toby Donovan, London, UK

Clearly it is far more complex than being portrayed here. To cover all instances, all variations of married life. But the principles are sound. It takes two to tango.

Interesting when this becomes about feminism or not. Or about submission or not. It really is about the far more practical and bland, about the typical marriage.

Marriage is not easy. Once the excitement of discovering each other wears off and we embark on a long term relationship together, it does take work and creativity to keep the spark. We have to overcome the daily humdrum of life.

But for all the feminists saying men are to blame, consider that more women engage in cheating outside of marriage than men. Sure, they may be for shorter flings than men, but they do. And the flings men have are with, guess what, women. So even the flings are a two way street.

It isn't about submission. It's about appreciating each other. That's how to stay happily married for 25 years or more.

Paul, Toronto, Canada

QUOTE "Sex (...) is banal and ordinary and fleeting" from agarttha, London. WOW - no wonder you are angry about this article if that is your experience of sex.
My wife and I think sex is VERY important. We have been together for over 30 years and still go at it like rabbits. Over the years we experimented successfully and unsuccessfully with variations on the theme. We have also experienced low libido periods - such as when children were babies and we were both just so busy and tired.
I honestly believe that sexually compatible people have better relationships - whether that is those with high libidos or low libidos - as long as you are in tune with each other. When we go out people often comment on the connection we have with each other as we joke and flirt at the dinner table. Of course we argue like any other two people but our common sexual compatibility really grounds our long eveloving relationship.

lappin, Amsterdam, The Netherlands

Oh Agarthha. Sex really isn't remarkably ordinary at all, its a wonderful thing and to each his(her) own for the enjoyment thereof. On a different note, I think that one of the myths that the media plays up to is that the "perfect couple" have miraculous sex multiple times a night and every night of the week at that. If sex is "remarkably ordinary" in any way, its just that it doesn't happen with Cosmopolitan frequency for most of us but if you're doing it right then the couple of times a week(month?etc) should be satisfying and leave you with that Aaaahhh. Fabulous factor.

Aimee, cardiff,

I have to wonder what kind of sex it is these women don't want. Are so many women really that averse to spending affectionate time with a caring partner, or is the experience they reject one of getting tricked out after a long day in some uncomfortable costume, then servicing him like a porn star without getting anything out of it? I know some women truly have no interest in sex of any kind, for medical reasons, but I have to think it's a rare condition.

C, Washington, DC, USA

l dont think a woman uses sex to bond with a man but rather sex is the result of the bonding. l believe it is the other way with men. lf women get turn off by the behaviour of men, sex will utlimately ceased.

Virginia, Brisbane, Australia

This problem doesn't always affect men. If a woman wants sex and the man is too tired, her sex drive is hardly ever recognised as intrinsic biological need. Frankly, to challenge a man's sex drive would be to crush his ego to the floor. How exactly are us women to broach the subject that our man is not satisfying? A woman can be challenged on the subject time and time again without any tact or hesitation. Men: don't think your partner is immune!

Mrs P, Brighton,

My libido is akin to my belly rumbliing whilst hungry. Deny me sex and a relationship simply won't work. Most men feel this way, but many feel the need to sugar coat it.

Richard, Liverpool, UK

Let's face it, Feminism is a large cause of this problem. Instead of encouraging cooperative solutions, Feminism advocates women as existing in their own universes where only their own expression, needs, wants or pleasures matter.

Feminism has sold the noxious idea that "past repressions" of women justify a present backlash against taking any kind of a cooperative role, unless such intersects with what they believe is in their self-interests.

This has created a nightmare for many modern men who gladly embraced Feminism as a kind of emancipation only to realize later it is a movement that uses the past to justify a totally self-centered and female-idolatrous approach to life.

Judy Ruliani, NYC, USA NY

I always told the wife "You can't cut me off, you don't know where I'm gettin' it."

NastyCelt, Calgary, Canada

Sex is problematic and it is central; it brings us together and it cleaves us apart; it can demolish reason,intellect and even love. It really is that strong. I am nearly 50 and male and I can look back on my life and see that what I thought was love was (fantastic) lust and I can see how shallow I may have been but I can't accept that this is a one way street. I have learned that women adore sex, that many enjoy porn (I can take it or leave it) and that women are as mixed up, confused and as ready to look for scapegoats and villains in all of this as men.
Sex makes us vulnerable and I think this becomes more obvious as one gets older. I feel that when I make love with my wife it is expected that we will have a long "session" which results in her orgasm(s). This relates back to years ago when we had sex all night. The stupid thing is that for me (and for all I know my wife ) brief "bad" sex would be better than avoiding it altogether. Ludicrous situation.

Keith, Newcastle,

I believe a recent study showed that over 80% of women do not have orgasms while having sex with their partners. Ever. That would explain any diminishing interest on the woman's part much better than feminism or tiredness. In this light there are millions of very saintly women out there staying in relationships out of love but who have given up entirely the expectation that they will achieve sexual satisfaction. Without the release of orgasm, engaging in sex in order to "make one's husband happy" is physically and emotionally a negative experience putting that marriage into a life- long holding pattern.

Marion, Galway,

Seems to me no one has viewed this from the opposite angle, how about men who are not so eager about sex as their wives? I am currently in a relationship where I want more sex than he does, and that's frustrating too!

Kirsten Garney, Aarhus, Denmark

I'm a 30 year old female going out with a 29 year old male and in my case, I'm always ready for a night of passion(day, morning, afternoon, whatever) and my boyfriend is always tired!,at the beginning I thought being Latin and him being English was maybe the reason, you know hot and cold, but now I believe truly that he's tired becasue of his job, careers are spoliling sexual lifes. Looking forward to having a good one tonight!he, he..if he's not tired

Ana, London,

People in a committed relationship are well-advised to be open about their sexual needs and receptive to discussing their partners' needs. It is solid communication that makes successful relationships. So I agree with the basic point of this article, I do. After being in a committed relationship for almost fifteen years, I know that this is true. If your partner has a stronger sex drive than you, it is unkind to leave them in the cold; there should be, if not compromise (allowing someone to use your body for sex you don't want is creepy), open communication.

However.

Blaming a woman's lack of sex drive on feminism is utter rubbish. Women have been putting men off for centuries without it. Women have also enjoyed and demanded sex without it. Blaming selfishness on feminism is foolish. It is a human trait, and while today's society and the way most people were raised may foster selfishness, it is hardly limited to women; MOST people are selfish, and feminism shouldn't be blamed for it.

Nick, Salem,

I agree with most of what Dr Spurr has to say, but I'm a bit puzzled by her finding, from 20 years experience, that it is an increasing problem for thirty-somethings. As a fifty-something, who has been there and done that, I can promise it wasn't something which started in the 1980's.

Ever since (thank God!) we got rid of the idea that sex was part of a woman's marital "duty", women have controlled sexual relationships. Why? Because they have the right to say no, and the person with the right of veto always has ultimate control. As several other (male) respondents have noted, the notion of forcing a woman, physically or psychologically to have sex against her will is abhorrent to most men.

So women have control, and with control comes power and with power comes the abuse of power, which it what the articles is commenting on. Men have abused power over women for centuries: so come on, ladies - unite and show how power is used sensibly and responsibly for the good of all.

Keith, Milton Keynes,

Agarttha Someone once said to me that good sex takes up 5% of a relationship and bad sex takes up 95% of a relationship and I think this is fair comment.

Quite frankly, if sex is remarkably ordinary - then you're doing it wrong. Fetish, submission, control - it's all there to be enjoyed.

Try loosening your stays and enjoying it then reread this article - you might learn something

Nemean, Cheshire,

Pete from St Albans - if you think all women want only their own way all the time, you certainly haven't been with the right woman! Many of us who love our spouses/partners enjoy pleasing them for the sheer enjoyment OF pleasing them....I enjoy a deep and fulfilling pleasure from this myself in addition to all else that is enjoyable about sex. And before some of you other women get out your poisoned pens to respond - this has nothing to do with submission!

I'd say A Male Point of View, Glasgow, has it just right. Ladies, read up and enjoy.

Sherri
FL, USA

S Miller, Palm City, FL, USA

Excellent article. I think sex reinforces and restates the bond between a couple. I think it is normal for the sexual excitement to wane after a few years in a relationship but having sex even when you feel tired or not up for it is part of "working at a relationship". I know that it is fairly common for men to have sex with their wives and girlfriends when they (the men) don't really feel up for it. Probably a lot more common than women may realise. I do it and it helps make the relationship stronger. It keeps the peace, it makes the other person feel loved and wanted and (if you put aside the thoughts of how knackered you'll feel in the morning) it's fun once you get going. It's part of being in a committed relationship or marriage. If one person keeps saying "no" then the message it gives is that they're not really committed.

Happily married man, Swindon,

I can't believe nobody's responded to the comment by Peter, Basildon.

If you hold such an obnoxious belief in your own supremacy as a man I'm not surprised your wife rejects you sexually.

EW, London,

Unfortunately that old saying seems to be correct....Marriage is the price men pay for sex....and sex is the price women pay for marriage

Tony, Dublin, Ireland,

So you're saying if you a woman doesn't want to be pushed into having sex when she doesn't want to then don't get married"?

Works for me. Never been married, never will for precisely that reason. Bad sex unwillingly endured is just appalling.
Well that and the fact that I'm not interested in cooking, cleaning and football either.

Thalia, London,

to Peter of Basildon who appears to have spent years punishing his wife for her lack of interest in sex by refusing to "look at her in a sexual way... getting all the satisfaction I need elsewhere ...I know now she feels unloved and un attractive to me"
What a frightening man! Have you ever tried being a husband and having a conversation about sex with this woman you share your life with? Don't you think you'd both be happier if you ended your marriage instead of staying in it just to exact revenge?
And why do you think the younger women never hang around. Perhaps because you're not all you crack yourself up to be in the bedroom!
happily married and sexually fulfilled F, 35

Catherine, London,

So you're married and you don't want your spouse having sex with anyone else but you won't have sex with them either so what exactly is supposed to happen here? Forced celibacy for your spouse? Yeah, that sounds like a logical solution that will lead to years of happiness.

Nicole, Denver,

I have to say, reading through the comments, it all seems to fall into much of the same problem, a lack of communication (and/or too much assumption) on behalf of one or both partners.

Far too many women tend to seek advice from their very unhappy friends, other self-serving individuals, or make general assumptions of men rather than discussing (not yelling/nagging) it with their spouse.

Far too many men assume they know what their spouse wants or never really listens to what they say, rather than either asking and discussing it (not yelling/sulking) with them or actually listening to what is being said (both stated & implied).

Its no secret that for as long as there has been sex, there have been those who use sex (offensively as some women have, or defensively as some men have), those that need more than the other is able or willing to give.

Sadly with the times, everyone is being told THEIR "needs" come first, so it is no wonder people are frustrated and divorce is rampant.

Sam Spade, Tokyo, JP

if a partner in a relationship doesn't want sex, fine, no problem: just don't expect the other partner to hang around long... like all relationship issues, however, the matter becomes more complicated if they have children. In my opinion, if a person's sexual interest decreases and becomes less compatible with that of their partner, the partner can walk away. However, if they have children, what is the partner to do? Walk away? Have (an) affair(s)? Then it becomes difficult.

Marco, bhm, uk

I don't see what the problem is. I am a thirty something career woman with a partner of six years - we still enjoy our intimacy as much as when we first met.

We both work long hours, have a couple of children and still have time to spend together. We're best friends who confide everything in each other and yet still we enjoy great sex !

May be those couples that don't experience a complete relationship are with the wrong people. May be it's just a case of not being compatible and they still haven't found their sole mate.

K, Surrey,

It sounds pretty awful to me for sex to be just a duty. This is especially true since sex-as-a-duty is often physically unpleasant for the woman. It surprises me that you didn't suggest another alternative- that the women encourage her husband to "find it elsewhere." As long as you have the understanding that he is only to have sex with them and not engage in an emotional relationship, it can be very freeing. I know several married couples that have this relationship, and it works wonderfully. The woman is freed of the duty to have sex, and the man gets to have some no-strings-attached sex.

Renee, Ithaca,

The only thing I found ironic about this article was that despite it advocating understanding between partners and a bit of give and take so as to bond better, there was an advert on the right hand column for 'Married Dating' asking if one was 'married but want more fun?'.

Honestly...

JJ, London,

Agarttha, do you know any men ? I am one and if the sex doesn't work in a relationship, then the relationship is doomed - my words ? No, the words of a no-nonsense 60 something lady who was a Relate counsellor on a BBC TV show on the subject of relationships that I saw a few years back.

Dave, Cardiff,

If a woman complains that she has no time for sex because of the stresses she endures as part of her career, does not her complete focus on nothing but her career increase this same stress? Imagine after a long day she comes home to bath, dinner, candles, wine and sex... wouldn't that just be the perfect end to a stressful day? Maybe... but only if she really does love her partner. Honestly, if you "love" your partner, how can you really consider purposfully refusing to show itimacy to your partner, what you're saying is that your needs (to have a great career) are more important than your partner! Which is in direct contrast to the vows you both repeated on your "special day"... I'd urge anyone in this situation to re-evaluate their priorities. The irony is, a full and complete relationship is the best (and possibly only) medicine for work related stress! (or any stress for that matter!)

Julian, Bromley, UK

I was just talking to a friend (also a married woman with kids) and we agreed that we just saw sex as a duty now. However a duty that we must fulfill - or we fully expect our husbands to find fulfillment elsewhere.
It is the height of selfishness and unkindness to reject your husband sexually, even though after kids one's sex drive does drop dramatically. I speak as a feminist but a very pragmatic one.

JB, London UK,

the mere fact that such a thing as a'life coach' exists says everything about the modern solipsistic attitude to life

billcarr, wakefield, UK

I think that sexual and all other issues should be discussed prior to marriage or live-in relationship - and agreements written down and the contract signed by both parties as a 'marriage contract' of which there is a copy that each keep, and which can be negotiated and updated yearly (or sooner if need be).
Could save and solve a lot of relationship problems before they start and help partners to regularly review what it is they want/expect from the other, and whether this is reasonable and agreeable to their partner.

Tarni, London, UK

I don't think it's just sex - reading women's magazines I'm shocked by how many women are encouraged to only consider themselves. Yes, your own happiness is important but so is the happiness of others - especially those you are close to. There are two people in every relationship; if you can't accommodate the other person then you can't expect them to carry on accommodating you. My husband and I don't have a perfect relationship but at least we try to compromise on issues and we always try to think about how we each might feel.

Rachel, Exeter, UK

Interesting. I read an article the other day about a study which demonstrated that feminists on average have more sexually satisfied partners. Why? Because women that have a more conscious (perhaps you can indeed call it demanding) attitude to their own sexuality, tend to be better at articulating their desires, at seeing sex as an important part of their relationship, and at initiating sex. Good things, surely?

I think what's wrong with this article is that it equates "feminism" with "career-women". In fact, women working long hours is for the most part a result of financial demands. Of course someone who works 16 hours a day is more tired than someone who doesnt. But is the woman who works 16 hours a day necessarily a feminist? And is a feminist necessarily a man-hating asexual?

obviously not.

Christina, London, UK

Sometimes sex in a relationship just inn't important, and sometimes it just does'nt happen. After I got married i thought it would, but joint work commitments and long hours travelling to and from work meant we were just too tired. She would say it hurt, and wasn't very interactive. After a while we both gave up trying. My wife was (and still is, I guess) very inexperience, and I'd only ever had sex about a dozen times before marrying. It's not that we don't love each other, we have different levels of physical need. Regrettably mine is higher than hers (as far as I know), but I still wouldn't take my need outside of the marriage, that would be betrayal!

Roland, Manchester, Lancs

To agarttha, If you sex is banal, ordinary and not profound you're not doing it right.

Dominique, adlsfj;, FL

The postfeminist generation (>1980) don't recognize the above except from TV shows by/about over 30's. We're the 1st generation of women who didn't grow up thinking either sex is wrong, or political like 60's 1st-wave feminism. Being obliging can take nothing from women of our power; we're also not afraid of asserting our own needs. We've the good fortune to share our age with postfeminist men who don't fear/resent this; they actually appreciate it, and know how to help. Eg many women just can't get into an unmade bed and feel sexy; if rubbish is festering in the house the switch simply won't flip on. It's not bargaining, it's abolishing distractions, as needful as waiting til after the footie. Our man knows this so, being rational, to further his own interest, helps with such unasked, then pounces. She might not even click why, but she suddenly feels undistractedly up for it and beats him to the punch. Problem solved. Sorry misogynists, misandrists - your war is over. Both sides won.

Elizabeth, London,

Agarttha of London. You really have missed out on life haven't you?

Adam, London,

it is wrong to assume that only men have sexual needs or high sex drive. Many women do too. Equally there are men who have low sex drives.

Difficulties arise when a couple have different expectations and appetites.

But it is certainly wrong to assume that women do not want sex as much as men!

MP, London, UK

I've been married twice - nearly 30 years and mostly celibate.
If you want a sex life then don't get married or if you're married then have a good hobby!!!

Jim, london,

It's in Human nature to seek sexual variety.

georg1984, Brighton,

"Sex shouldn't be that important-- stop making it so central and problematic. It is banal and ordinary and fleeting. Essential, but neither immoral nor profound."

I agree, to an extent.

You are wrong about sex being essential. My wife is happy without sex. She tells me that, that when women reach 50 years old the interest isn't there. Of course she is wrong about many women, but she is also right about others. I am not alone in having a wife who does not care about sex, as many of my friends admit to not having sex over the past 9 months, 1 1/2 years, that kind of thing.

But to us, sex *is* essential. Maybe not profound, but essential.

So you see the solution, don't you? Visit somebody else for sex, which after all is but one aspect of life, and keep your relationship with your wife for everything else.

In a sense, that is the way that the wife wants it, although it is the rare wife who will accept the logic of the solution.

jrobertson, miami, USA

A great deal of what Dr Spurr says is very true, but I question her conclusion that after twenty years of experience as a therapist the problem is getting worse for today's thirty-somethings. As a fifty-something, I can vouch for the fact the problem was there way before the 1980's.

Since (thank God!) we got out of sex being a marital "duty" which the woman was bound to submit to, the woman has controlled the sexual relationship, because it is the one with the power to say no who has control. As several other respondents have noted, the control is absolute, because forcing the woman, physically or psychologically, to have sex against her will is abhorrent to the vast majority of men. The problem can be that absolute control is open to abuse, and some women will inevitably abuse, just as some men do if they have "obeisant" wives.

Men are frequently accused (by the likes of Agarttha) of abusing their so-called power over women: so, ladies, show us how to use power sensibly.

Keith, Milton Keynes, England

My wife wants wooing but whenever I expressed any fleeting interest the first comment was always 'oh no'
So I've stopped trying altogether - I wont look at her in a sexual way anymore - she's a mum and a friend / sister - I get all the satisfaction I need elsewhere - and there are plenty of young women who give freely, when one goes theres another.
I know now she feels unloved and un attractive to me (though she is attractive to others) but I'm hanged if I'm going to keep getting rejected or made to feel she is doing me a favour for having sex.

You women need to realise its a mans world - everything you have is because men let you have it or give it to you - you are powerless because you have no strength. Only the law - enforced by men - allows you feminism. Demographically you will have to fight to keep your men because there is a shortage of us due to our lower life expectancy - hard for male individuals but harder still for the female race

Peter, Basildon,

argattha if you think that way about sex I feel sorry for you as clearly no one has ever done it right with you.

I like the *idea* of the article but I think it has positively nothing to do with feminism as if you go to sexless marriage support sites you'll find most of the posters there are WOMEN. That's right, women who have husbands who are "too busy" and "tired." Attractive, fit, lovely women whose own husbands won't make love to them. And believe me, they are certainly not above going and finding a lover either.

Sex IS important. it's the bond and glue that holds a couple together. Otherwise, you're nothing but squash partners. Sex is the thing that makes the relationship different from a friendship or business relationship. It should be nurtured, cared for, and attended to for both parties. And anyone who does not have sex with their partner for months I'm sorry to say has precisely no business crying about an affair.

wkh, london,

Has it occurred to anyone that perhaps the sex is just mediocre at best and that is why the women are turned off? If their male partner were as concerned with the woman's sexual satisfaction as they are with their own, why would a woman turn off of sex? Too many men are just too self-centered in bed and only concerned with their own pleasure. Also, are you guys helping your wives with the children and housework considering you both work outside the home? Bottom line - if the woman feels resentment that she's carrying the bulk of the workload and/or you're selfish in bed, then don't be surprised when she cuts you off. If it's a hormonal problem with her, there are treatments to help overcome it.

Nicole, Toronto, Canada

M54 - You are spot on. I love my wife, I love my kids. My wife is great at everything, but sex is a distant memory. I am healthy, reasonably wealthy, and honorable, and I feel like a toaster, to be used for designed purposes, then pushed back on the shelf. The risks of relationship failure are amplified by younger women, lacking decent prospects for a husband in this gender confused world, that are more than happy to flirt (and then some) in the hope of luring one away. I have made my choice, and that is to stick to my promises. But the central point is the one you have eloquently made, women are increasingly viewing men as tools, and relationships as a menu from a chinese restaurant, pick the bits you want. This is the real driving force behind the vast majority of "mid-life" crisis cases.

Dad-not-husband, Wilton,

The woman who said that "sex shouldn't be that important" sums up the problem. Food shouldn't be that important. But it is, and so is sex. Its as natural as breathing. People get together because of sex. Marriage was invented because of sex. That's the way it is. If you have differering sex drives, partners should compensate to help each other out. This rarely happens in practice because the partner with the lower sex drive (usually the woman) just does not understand how it affects the other partner.

I completely agree with its article. And I am not governed by my testes. When you are hungry, you eat. When you need physical love, go hungry until you are allowed.

As far as I know, women are disagreeing with this because 1 - they would have to recognise the truth, and 2 - they would have to admit that they are causing hurt by being selfish. No wonder we are not seeing much female agreement. It's a tool used for power and control.

AB, N'wich,

Women are always such problems! Man, I never knew that this was What Feminism Says ("sex is something over which they have no need to negotiate"). Thanks for speaking for everybody! It's nice to know someone other than just MSN is willing to do so!

, Town/City,

While I agree with the point that communication and, to some extent, compromise are important in a relationship, I have problems with the idea that it is women who are to blame.

If she doesn't want sex, she's a frigid so and so, and deserves what she gets. If she does want sex, more than he does, then she's an overbearing so and so who needs to back off. And anytime there is a mismatch in either direction, the woman is here characterized as the selfish one.

Both sexes can be selfish, both can be thoughtless, both can be cruel and inconsiderate.

Insisting that it is the woman who must learn to adjust to the man's preferences is incredibly backward.

Nobody needs to be to blame for differing needs. It is no-one's fault. The burden of resolving the issue should not be placed solely on either partner's shoulders.

Compromise swings both ways. And I strongly doubt that feminism is responsible for a marital conflict that has existed for as long as people have been having sex.

Eden, London,

Mr Dalton from Canada's view is typical of the sort of man who puts a lady off her bedroom action, and then complains about it. Has it occurred to him that perhaps if a wife doesn't fancy it, she may not be at all repressed, but it may be something about the husband? He asks for a "balanced and caring" woman but doesn't seem to possess either quality himself.

Holly G, London,

I have known a few agarttha's in my time. They are the females who have difficult relationships, have little practical experience with men, and see sex as a job to do when they decide to get around to it. They are denying and repressing their own sexuality and feel disgusted when men want sex with them. My suggestion for all you men in relationships with an agarttha: get out now. Find yourself a caring, balanced, sexually liberated woman and don't look back. I did and am very happy!

Dalton, Toronto, Canada

Uh, agarttha, submission is absolutely required for *both* sides in a healthy marriage. Despite what people think, marriage is NOT 50-50: sometimes it's 90-10 and other times it's 5-95. Sometimes you over-give and other times your SO does because you're both submitting, or even sacrificing to help each other.

/married 24 years

T, somwhere in Ohio, US

26(F). It is quite funny how some women's comments here are so defensive in their tone. It must be because they are those women you describe who always say no to their husbands. I totally agree with your article and there is nothing wrong with being 'submissive' in any part of the life within a relationship, sometimes you give in, sometimes you don't - it's called compromise. Whatever sex may mean to a woman, to a man, it's a necessity, and if it wasn't, there's something wrong with that man for sure. I think it all boils down to these women grieving the loss of their youth - in denial of their loss of sex drive, by demeaning sex altogether.

Jade, London,

Argarttha. You are entitled to your opinions of course, although I found your comments were smoke screened by a volley of carefully selected vocabulary and intricately written sentences, which basically amounts to, well, in my opinion "something has touched a raw nerve" here with you.

In a roll reversal situation my male partner has an incredibly low sex drive, although he is loving and affectionate, and we can openly enjoy each other in other ways.

I found this article interesting and inspiring.

Its good to talk as they say.

Louise, Mirfield,

It is in male nature to seek sexual variety irrespectively
of current partership success or low-downs.

Natalia, Moscow, Russia

I agree with this article as a happily married 34 year old woman.
My husband is not just my friend, he is not just my business partner, he is not just the father of my child, he is my lover. That's what makes us more than friends, that's what bonds us, that's what elevates our relationship, what keeps it close. If I were to constantly refuse him sex or him me, it would be an indication that something was very wrong with our union. This is not about submission, but about wants and needs.

Sarah Kenny, Dublin, Ireland

What about when you are in your fifties and get sick of your spouse wanting sex all the time, bit only on his terms .

Petula, Manchester, uk

Interesting that so far the comments agreeing with the article are from men, whilst those who disagree are women?

Does this in fact confirm the article in saying that women often treat sex as an add on for their benefit only?

Or perhaps it's a reflection on this site's demographic: those obeisant ladies refered to wouldn't dream of commenting, and the agressive male stereotype wouldn't have read the article in the first place.

JD, Bristol,

This article just backs up what many men have known for a long time.
Women want things their own way, all the time! And as a man, you are just supposed to accept this!

Pete, St Albans, England

On the one hand, Ellen and Agarttha, you seem to be saying that sex is something that a woman can say no about. And absolutely right. I'm not advocating 'rape' in the slightest - it is absolutely abhorrent. But that is not what we are talking about. We are effectively talking tit-for-tat here (excuse any pun). Sex as a bartering weapon is unfair on both parties, and it will breed resentment. But in the same way as a blokemight give up watching a TV program that he wants in order to cook for his partner, one could suggest that maybe his partner would have sex with him, even if she doesn't really want to, because she knows it will make him happy. Agarttha - "Stop fetishing sex and it will lose its taboo charm". If sex is taboo only because we fetish it, you feel it is not taboo. And if it is not taboo, why is compromising and giving a partner sexual satisfaction any different to cleaning the dishes, mowing the lawn or, indeed, doing any other menial and, frankly, unenjoyable task?

Just Some Guy, Manland,

If you don't want to have sex with your partner, and you'd rather be at work, you're in the wrong relationship. Perhaps you even married for the wrong reasons. This has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with your feelings for one another.

Of course, I'm not selling claptrap psychobabble so I don't need to exploit people's problems for money.

Claire, London, UK

To deny our most (if you forgive the term) deep rooted instincts and label them "fleeting" and "ordinary", you strip away what makes us who we are. Like it or not, our lives (however utterly complex and sophisticated they have become) revolve around the need for partnership and love. If you choose to have a partner, you have to consider their needs as much as you consider your own. Otherwise, you forego the right to be judgemental and angry when your partner seeks satisfaction elsewhere.

Sex isn't just about the physical act or, as 'agarttha' described it, the "fleeting" moment, but it serves as a confirmation of love, devotion and empathy. Removing sex from a relationship leads, in my opinion, to a feeling of neglect, of inbalance and of apathy.

A man's sex drive is a fact of nature. It defines his masculinity. To sever all sexual contact for selfish ends will merely drive him away.

I'm no expert, but I do have a penis. Does this mean I'm not allowed to have needs too?

A Male Perspective, Glasgow,

Yiou have blokes every reason to have an affair now!

Rob, Brum, UK

Male 34 I was once in a similar situation, I have to say I went thought a month of hell. I gave my 31 year high flying career woman an ultimatum .. and again I got I am too stressed sweety. I was fulfilling one tradition role I always bought dinner .. to only later be presented with a cold back.you statement about th cold hearted bargaining chip. rung so many bells with me and why the hell does the rubbish have to be put out? in the rain. I cant wait every thing else can wait.
A month later yes one month .... I met a 19 year student from Britain and 2 years later we're still together thought thick and thin. the thin days when things are bad are made up for by the sexual life we lead.when there is a argument I always thing what am I lousing now. If I don't have intimacy in a month then the argument back thinking comes to. 'I really cant be bothered' and I have say I don't have the same life I had back then. sometimes cash to so tight. I cant pay the rent but I really am a lot happier

niall o hara , singapore, singapore

to Ellen "find a better story-this one is neither believable nor entertaining", Davis, CA :

You are a woman. You just don't get it. I am a man. I do.

Sometimes these things go the other way round. When they do, I try to understand. Not always easy.

Please try again. Not easy, certainly, but worth it.

Mike, Sydney, Australia

This is precisely why sex workers, in all their variety, serve the same function they always have. Frankly my dear, you don't have to give a damn. I can pay someone to and you can focus on your priorities.

otto, los angeles, californication

Eh, no. Women have been withholding for a long, long time, and it has nothing to do with feminism. I understand the reach though--after all, you have books to sell. If what you are saying is true, all those fine conservative women in the US who are frankly obeisant to their man wouldn't be competing with younger women, other men, etc. We live in a raucously sexed up world--men are cheating all over the place, and it isn't because their wives are tired and willing to say "no" more often.

Good luck with the books. I wish though, that you would take your soapbox and find a better story--this one is neither believable nor entertaining.

Ellen, Davis, CA

I agree with the article. Intimacy and affection is special between people in a relationship, and a cuddle or a hug is enough at the end of a day in which your partner or yourself has been working .

Spending physical time with each other is fun, I think even if you are tired, sometimes you've got to make a sacrifice for them and vice versa :) .

If there is no intimacy, and you enjoy intimacy, you might as well just be best friends/companion with that person and nothing more....and seek a relationship which fulfills your needs elsewhere....it's not fair on your partner if you're not honest with them, or fair on yourself.

john, leeds,

Thank you for this considered and balanced article. I disagree with Agarttha and point out that she herself seems to be fetishising sex by suggesting that adult compromise over it instantly equates 'submission' by the woman. As a man I will not tolerate any suggestion that women should be made to submit, but the theme of this article is that equality cuts both ways on this issue as on any other - surely a mature conclusion.

Kim, Hobart, Tasmania

Thanks Agarttha for illustrating PERFECTLY the exact points that Dr. Spurr makes in the article above, that many women have no concept of what sex means to a man. She is not advocating submission or being pressured into sex. Go buy the book, I think you might learn something.

Ash, freetown,

Agarttha - "Sex shouldn't be that important . . . . It is banal and ordinary and fleeting"

What if your man doesn't think that? Have you ever met a man who would be happy with this kind of attitude?

A Bloke, London, UK

I think the article has a lot right. Most of the women I've known have expected to have control of if, when and where any sexual activity will take place. In a longer term relationship, sex is often used as a weapon and for a lot of men, it isn't just the denial of a pleasure for themselves, but the denial of being able to give pleasure to their partners. That often leads to a detachment in the relationship which only grows. Men are quite ofen still expected to instigate sexual activity, which puts them immediately in a position of vulnerability because a partner who treats sex as a bargaining tool turns it into a commodity, and if the man is more often rejected he will back away.
Men need to make sure they aren't selfish or aggressive sexually, but women should understand how the affection and intimacy is important to their partners and that it is extremely unhealthy both to use sex as a weapon and to make it a no go area for discussion... either overtly or by repeated rejection.

JB, London, UK

I think you are picking up a very small part of sexual disfunction amongst married people and totally avoiding the 'white elephant' in the drawing room. The white elephant being the constant supply of internet and other pornography that women of today have to be compared to. Hairless 19 year olds that oohs and ahhs 'just so' for the man's pleasure. You have to conform to a stereotype. After a long day's work you haven't got the energy to be that person. If their wives don't want sex they should ask themselves why. It is probably because it wasn't satisfying the last time or since a long time ago. And the mistress certainly wont last forever either......

C Tiarks, Indian Harbour Beach, FL USA

I tend to think its all my fault

Grayson, Bristol,

I agree.

Gail, La Mirada, CA

wish you happy

wang, beijng, china

I am offended by this article.You are advocating submission, however may you have termed it-- something which I find abhorrent, considering women have so recently, and still not completely, won even the intellectual semblance of equality and now you talk of giving it all up based on ideas of happiness and the family unit that need to be examined in today's context.

Sex shouldn't be that important-- stop making it so central and problematic. It is banal and ordinary and fleeting. Essential, but neither immoral nor profound. It should be represented as what it is--remarkably ordinary and and not slavishly obsessed over as you seem to be doing by publishing silly guides about it.

You yourself have equated it with taking the rubbish out, and yet we do not get books on ' how to take the rubbish out in the least malodorous fashion', do we/ Stop fetishising sex and it will lose its taboo charm.

agarttha, London,