BLOWING NO GOOD

Autumn is here. Leaves are gold. Squirrels gather food. The woodpile is ready to contribute to global warming. All is calm before the first storms of winter. Apart, that is, from an obsessive neighbour with a petrol leaf-blower, who spends two hours a day destroying the peace. Is there a neighbourly way to tell him where to stick his leaf-blower?

FAD, Wilts

Psychologists now believe leaf-blowing for more than an hour a week is a displacement activity to mask sexual inadequacy. Suggest you might air this as a topic for general discussion next time you’re in the village pub. You’ll find his enthusiasm for leaf-bothering will fall away forthwith.

POPULAR EDUCATION

I am in high school and very unpopular. How can I turn up looking so hot that all the boys want to go out with me? Everyone says I have gorgeous hair, but I don’t know what to do.

MB, by e-mail

You are not really “in high school” are you, young lady? Americans go to high school. You attend a secondary school, and therein lies your problem. You want to see yourself as the star of one of those Nickelodeon or Disney sitcoms, a sassy kid who meets every remark with a quip, a crushing put-down or “attitude”. In real life, such precociousness would be unpopular with everyone. Concentrate on being cheerful and positive, and you will be well enough liked. Popularity is easily overrated, and those who court it too assiduously are often suspect.

THEATRICAL BEHAVIOUR

When we are at the theatre, I often go off to get my wife an ice cream in the interval. Do I face the other people in the row as I squeeze past them and offer them a chance to observe my increasing stomach? Or do I show them my backside, while knocking heads in the row in front with my belly?

TG, Sussex

In some European countries, it is considered extremely bad manners to move along a row of seats with your back to those who have risen to let you pass. In Britain, we don’t care, as long as the person does not make any eye contact beyond the most fleeting of glances. Above all, everyone should murmur: “Sorry, sorry, oops, sorry,” as you shuffle crabwise along the row.

TECHIE TANTRUMS

My IT manager has a filthy temper, which she can barely control when something breaks down. She speaks to me as though I were a particularly moronic six-year-old, snarling through gritted teeth with a patronising smile. Today, in front of others, she asked: “When our printer jams, do we go, ‘Clickety, clickety, clickety’ with our mouse when it stops?” I am unsure how to respond to such sarcasm, as at present I want to snigger or slap her.

PT, Aberdeen

Have you tried turning her off and on again?

Send problems to: Mrs Mills, Style, The Sunday Times, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1ST, or mrs.mills@sunday-times. co.uk

No correspondence can be entered into.

Mrs Mills Solves All Your Problems is published by Mainstream at £9.99. To buy it for £9.49, including p&p in the UK, call The Sunday Times BooksFirst on 0870 165 8585 or visit timesonline.co.uk/booksfirst

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