One of our favourite books of this year is called Porn for Women: it
features hunky (but clothed) men doing household chores, making cups of tea,
asking for directions, listening intently, and saying things such as, “I
love a clean house!”, or “As long as I have two legs to walk on, you’ll
never take out the trash”. The feminist blogosphere took immediate
self-righteous offence: women are visual creatures too, they said. Women
think about sex as much as they do about housework, they said. Women are
grown-ups who deserve real porn, they said.
Well, yes. But that’s only half the story. Because while there are plenty of
women who turn to porn or erotica during their “alone time”, who’d consider
the book a waste of money because the men aren’t naked, and who wish their
husbands were up for sex more than once a month, there are just as many
women who could take or leave sex a good deal of the time. And most of these
women, we venture, would find the book hilarious. Here’s the thing: a guy
with a Dyson isn’t inherently sexy – especially if he’s doing the cleaning
in the hope of earning himself a sexual favour later that night. But a guy
who wields a Dyson on a regular basis, just because he knows that his wife
hates lugging it around the house? Now you are talking.
One of the first steps in nurturing a woman’s libido is recognising that
there’s more than one way to get in the mood. If she’s tired, or
preoccupied, or stressed, then licking her ears or groping her breasts is
about as likely to get her in the mood as an episode of Top Gear.
“The most toxic misunderstanding that men have about female libido is that sex
drive is about feeling physically aroused and hot for sex,” says Sandra
Pertot, author of When Your Sex Drives Don’t Match.
“Sex drive is anything that helps you to decide that sex is a good idea, and
what helps many women in long-term relationships make that decision is the
‘Oh, isn’t he sweet’ feeling.” It might not be the Dyson, of course – but
it’s as good a place as any to start, given the number of married women who
listed household chores when we asked them what would put them in the mood
for sex more often.
“My husband always complains that it’s unsexy when I nag him, but how does he
think it makes me feel when I have to nag him? Like my mother!” says Fiona,
43, who’s been married for a decade. She gets the “isn’t he sweet” feeling
when her husband remembers, of his own accord, that Tuesday is the night the
recycling bins go out, or Thursday is after-school swimming class for the
kids. He thinks that he’s earning points just by doing everything she asks,
but she’d rather not have to ask every time. A woman can be easily
preoccupied by her mental to-do list, but if she’s convinced that he can be
responsible for that list, too, she might let it go . . . long enough to
remember how long it’s been since they’ve had sex.
“The problem is that this isn’t a straight ‘If I do this I’ll get sex
immediately’ formula,” says Pertot. “It’s more about creating an atmosphere
in the relationship that builds shared intimacy and mutual caring – foreplay
for women in a long-term relationship is often about the 24/7 sharing of
housework or child responsibilities.”
That said, occasionally the rewards will be immediate. “It’s easier to relax
when the niggling little chores are not hanging over my head, and if he
sends me off to take a bath with a promise that he’ll clean up the supper
dishes, his odds of being invited to wash my back are doubled,” says Shana,
39, who’s been married for seven years.
But if you long ago paid out for a house-cleaner or live-in nanny, then you’ll
have to figure out how else to elicit that feeling from your partner. It
might be as simple as kissing her full on the lips and smiling as if you’ re
happy to see her when she walks in the door. Or maybe it’s secretly setting
the TV to record the Julia Roberts marathon.
Amanda, 38, says that watching her husband take a risk to make her happy gets
her every time. “He’s terrified of looking like a fool, especially on the
dance floor, so it’s always thrilling when he abandons his comfort zone and
lets loose with me.” It’s not that he moves like Justin Timberlake on the
dance floor – far from it, she says – but rather that he does it for her.
Next on her list? She wants him to wear a thick-ribbed black cotton polo neck,
which is decidedly outside his sartorial comfort zone. And she wouldn’t mind
if he’d don “those knee-high black leather boots that are always being worn
in Jane Austen movies” too – though she acknowledges that she might have to
wait for a fancy-dress party for that. Or just get him to wear them in the
bedroom. (Even if the attempt at 19th-century roleplaying left them both
collapsed in giggles, we can guarantee that his willingness to play along
would at least elicit that all-important “isn’t he sweet” feeling.)
Whatever he does, the most important thing is that he doesn’t see it as a quid
pro quo scenario – back to the sexual favour theory of cleaning the loos.
And this goes for more traditional acts of seduction, too, such as
candle-lit dinners, fresh flowers, and sensual (rather than sexual) touch.
“I wish my husband would touch me affectionately more often without expecting
sex,” Shana says. “I can’t usually get in the mood ‘on demand’, and if all
the snuggles, hugs and kisses carry an unspoken expectation of more, I’m
likely to pull away rather than start something I’m not sure I feel like
finishing . . . but without that physical affection, I’m unlikely to get in
the mood. It’s a Catch22 that a man can put an end to by not pressing for
sex every time there’s a hug and ten minutes available.”
Amanda, too, wishes that her husband understood the importance of “random
touching that’s not exclusively sexual”. She says that she finds herself
stroking his bare forearms a lot, in the hope that he’ll respond in kind. “I
want to be petted! I must have been a cat in another life.”
The problem is that a lot of men assume that women experience sex exactly as
they do: they experience sexual desire, then sexual excitement follows
closely behind, and eventually – boom! – orgasm. But it doesn’t always work
this way for women. Some women need to be aroused and feel excited before
the desire to have sex kicks in. And sensual touch that’s free of
expectations may be just what gets her aroused. (“If you get annoyed that
she doesn’t initiate sex after, say, a long massage, she’ll stop responding
at all to these approaches in the future,” Pertot says.) Other women start
with a simple openness to have sex – inspired, perhaps, by that “isn’t he
sweet” feeling – and eventually excitement, or desire, joins the party.
Alexis, a 33-year-old CEO and mother of a one-year-old child, whose No 1 sex
wish is that her husband would hoover without her asking him, explains it
this way: “Women are always ‘switched on’ when it comes to everything but
sex. We wake up and we’re ready to go. Men wake up and must have some coffee
before you can give them the day’s instructions. Women need foreplay like
men need coffee.” “Men shouldn’t take it as personal rejection,” Amanda
says. “Women are more complicated beings than men, aren’t they? If all we
needed to activate our libidos was a naked picture, we’d be men.”
Seduction tips for grown-up boys . . .
1. Get in the bath together: it helps to separate work from play and
wakes up her nerve endings, too.
2. Set the scene: dim the lights, play some music she likes, change the
sheets – hide the dirty laundry and your BlackBerry.
3. Kiss her how you used to on your early dates: put your hands in her
hair, hold her face, and take your time.
4. As you undress her, (and DO undress her) tell her how much you love
her body. Be specific! “And this is my favourite part . . .”
5. Don’t go straight for the boobs! That’s for teen boys and men who
take their wives for granted.
6. If she has trouble being selfless in bed, blindfold her with your
tie so she has no choice.
Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey are the authors of six books on sex and
relationships, including Buh Bye: The Ultimate Guide to Dumping and Getting
Dumped (Chronicle Books). emandlo.com
