FOR GIRLS

1 You can’t moan about it. If you’re single, you sound like a dried-up old spinster; if you’re in a relationship, everyone assumes you’ve hit a rough patch.

2 There is nothing more disappointing than a man you’d previously earmarked as husband material expressing his romantic intent with a card of a sheep and a pun on the word “ewe”.

3 With the stress, all-over body waxing and pressure to outromance everyone else, Valentine’s Day is like a mini-wedding . .. but in February, the dampest, coldest, rubbishest month. Nobody should be expected to get married in February. And certainly not every year.

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4 It produces brain-rottingly awful verse, such as, “How we gain yearly, from the love we share dearly”.

5 All the displays of perfect, flippy-haired coupledom only serve to turbo-charge the sneaking suspicion that everyone else is far more in love and having heaps more sex than you are.

6 The girl you most dislike will receive a gift-wrapped pair of Manolos, and, once her man is out of earshot, declare them “a bit tarty” for her taste.

7 There’s no such thing as a successful Valentine’s Day. Even if you do get a mystery card/gift/bunch of flowers, it will almost certainly be from someone insultingly awful.

8 You become embroiled in competitive dating battles. Okay, so Charlotte in marketing got the most expensive roses, but you got the best restaurant. Aargh! Look what you’ve become!

9 It bullies us into losing weight. The chances that he’ll buy you underwear are pretty good; the chances that those festive Caramel Swirls haven’t quite left your midriff are equally good.

10 Naff, pink and diamanté only ever work for three-year-olds and Italian fashion designers.

FOR BOYS

11 It makes you hate your fellow man. You can guarantee all the decent restaurants will be booked up by smug w***ers, leaving the rest of us paying double for horrible food in a restaurant we hate.

12 It makes men do stupid things, like light candles and stuff.

13 It gets men into trouble when they don’t do stupid things like light candles and stuff. Because, actually, she really wanted you to, but prompting is so unromantic, isn’t it?

14 It’s such a rip-off. With flowers, dinner and cabs, you’re looking at a hundred quid minimum. Wouldn’t she just prefer the cash instead?

15 In new relationships, whether or not you take her out or buy her a gift speaks volumes about “where you’re at”, way before you’re ready for the “are we having a relationship?” chat. (Like you were ever ready for it anyway.)

16 Not only do you have to buy the right size, style and colour of underwear, you also have to look as if you’re not ogling the breasts of the Agent Provocateur sales girls while you’re at it.

17 Valentine’s Day focuses her mind, and because this year there is a February 29 on the calendar, for the following two weeks you feel as sick as a dog every time there’s a lull in the conversation.

18 Isn’t one compulsory annual shopping event enough? Christmas is just about excusable, as it’s okay to drink Baileys at 11am without anyone questioning your sexuality. No such luck on the 14th.

19 Where are the man presents? What do we get out of it?

20 There is nothing more disappointing than a woman you’d previously earmarked as wife material not even laughing at the sheep card.

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