On the surface I'm a “normal” 23-year-old man. I am good-looking, intelligent, have a good job in PR and a regular girlfriend who I've been dating for two years. I come from a middle-class family: kind parents and a lovely sister. Generally I'm open and honest but I have one big secret.

When I was a small child I used to try on my mum's clothes. She found it funny when I shuffled around in her shoes. Most kids do that when they are little. But when I was about 15 I began to go into my sister's wardrobe when she was out and put on her clothes. I'd put on her high heels and totter around the bedroom, catching glimpses of myself in the mirror. I particularly enjoyed the miniskirts. This gave me quite a sexual thrill. I was always careful to replace her clothes in exactly the same place so that she wouldn't suspect. It all seemed quite harmless. Then I graduated to her underwear. I loved squeezing into her knickers, especially the thongs. Also I would put on her bras; black was best. Sometimes I'd strut around the bedroom in bra, thong and high heels. I was always terrified that she would come in, but this added to the excitement.

Gradually I've acquired my own outfits. I enjoy going into shops to buy them. The assistants assume that I'm buying something for my girlfriend, which adds to the fun.

I'd never felt that I was gay. I'd always been attracted to women. When I was 21 I met Samantha and fell in love. Somehow I thought that when I had a steady girlfriend my urge to “dress up” would disappear.

But it hasn't worked out like that. Even though we have a good sexual relationship, the old habit has crept back. Now I even wear make-up and I've bought a long blond wig to complement my outfits. I tried hard to resist the temptation but it's too strong; I can fight the urge for a short time, but always end up giving in. I actually feel very frustrated if I can't indulge in a dressing-up session at least twice a week. This usually happens when I am in the house alone. It takes about ten minutes to get ready and I wear the clothes for as long as I can. I like to feel that I can carry on doing normal things around the house while dressed up.

When I started just a few clothes would be enough; now I need the whole outfit with make-up and wig to feel satisfied. Seeing myself in female clothes is a real turn-on, one that I can then carry into my sexual relationship with Samantha.

At the moment I am living at home but Samantha and I have bought a one-bedroom flat together and are due to move in there in two months' time. The thought that she will discover my “other life” terrifies me. And where will I keep my gear? We have only one wardrobe. I imagine that I will start to use her clothes while she is out, and the guilt will be dreadful. The alternative is to confess, but I don't want to lose her. I know she would find it difficult to understand as a friend of hers had a boyfriend who practised “bondage” and she was very judgmental of that.

Ideally I'd like to carry on with my habit. I'd like to think that it won't affect my relationship, but the secret is becoming a burden. I once told a close female friend, but she didn't take me seriously. I wish I knew other cross-dressers so that I could get some support. I've tried cognitive behaviour therapy, but the counsellor just gave me strategies to get me to reframe my thinking and change my habit. The fact is, I don't want to change because I get so much pleasure out of cross-dressing. It complements the sex I have with Samantha, which I don't want to give up either. But nor do I want to keep a secret from the person I love. I'd hate to think that she had secrets from me.

The cross-dressing itself doesn't feel wrong; what eats away at me is not being able share something that is so important to me with the person I love. I'm also now feeling the urge to “dress up” away from home. I'd love to go out in women's clothes and I'm frightened that one day I'll give in to this desire. Occasionally I do go out in women's underwear which, of course, is hidden but I worry that my cross-dressing may escalate and I'll be found out. I've never been caught but I've had a few near misses. Once my sister saw me looking in her underwear drawer and I pretended that mum had put my boxer shorts in there by mistake. I'm really fearful about Samantha finding out, but I think that this is inevitable as time goes on.

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