As a single man in my mid-thirties, I’ve spent 20 years trying to understand
women, with mixed results. It wasn’t until six months ago, however, that I
was given a clear insight into how the female mind works.
It came in the form of Lou-Lou, my two-year-old niece. I know, as a grown-up,
that the onus is on me to teach her useful stuff rather than the other way
around, but in this case, the instruction was mutual. I taught her how to
wink, blow raspberries, burp and count to 10, sort of. “One, two, three,
seven, nine, ten”, which is good enough for me, as, personally, I’ve always
thought the numbers four, five, six and eight were overrated.
In return, I learnt more about women in two months than I had gleaned on my
own in two decades. This does not mean, by the way, that I think women are
like two-year-olds and should be treated as such. I love my niece. I respect
my niece. I’d dive on an unexploded grenade for my niece, and not just to
amuse her. I would only dive on it if there was real danger of it exploding
and hurting her. Women are all individuals and I’m making generalisations,
but in the two-year-old Lou-Lou is the undiluted, unaffected essence – the
“id” – of womanhood. Here’s what I’ve learnt.
1 Ignore them
1If I come into a room and bounce up to Lou-Lou like a clown, trying to amuse
and entertain, she blanks me completely. It’s as if I don’t exist. If I walk
straight past her, however, I guarantee she will call out my name and want
to play with me.
2 Bribe them
Gifts work. Preferably something noisy or sparkly. With Lou-Lou, that means
stuffed animals that sing or sequined hair grips. With grown women, I
suppose that equates to, say, cars and jewellery.
3 Compliment them
I’ve mistakenly always held that compliments are like diamonds: valuable only
for their scarcity. Flood the market and they lose all value. Not so.
Lou-Lou poos in her nappy, everyone cheers – as if she just came up with a
workable solution to world hunger – and she beams like a lighthouse. The
same works with grown women, although, of course, only the general principle
applies rather than the specific example given here. (I learnt this one the
hard way.)
4 Listen to them
I’ve spent my life trying to preempt what women want. I needn’t have bothered.
If I just pay attention, Lou-Lou will tell me exactly what she wants: eat,
dance, doll, jump, run, sing, play, read. Then all I have to do is organise
it. How much simpler my life would have been if I had listened and acted
accordingly.
5 Apologise
It doesn’t matter what you’ve done. It doesn’t matter if you don’t even know
what you’ve done. I might have slighted Lou-Lou by putting the wrong doll in
the pram. What seems to you or me like a minor infraction is, to her, on a
par with genocide. The best policy is to throw yourself on her mercy and beg
forgiveness. But you must sound sincere. You don’t have to be
sincere, just sound sincere. This is so elementary, yet how many men ignore
this advice?
6 Let them do it
Whatever “it” is. No matter how ridiculous it may seem to you, let her do it.
When Lou-Lou gets an idea into her mind, there’s no talking her out of it.
In fact, be supportive, encourage her even. Then sit back and hope she
discovers for herself that it was a stupid idea. The downside is that she
might decide it was an excellent idea. One day, I found myself playing
dolls’ tea party for two whole hours and drank so many cups of imaginary
tea, I was imaginary peeing all afternoon.
7 Don't tell them what to do
The best way to guarantee that she doesn’t do what I want is by
telling her to do it. The clever thing is to make it seem like her idea –
and make it seem fun. One of my proudest moments was convincing Lou-Lou that
watching the rugby World Cup final would be more fun than playing in the
sandpit.
8 Don't complain to them
This is a tricky one. What I mean by this is, don’t burden her with your petty
problems. When I complain to Lou-Lou about a bad meeting or a sore back, she
couldn’t care less, but if there’s genuinely something wrong, she will
instinctively sense it and, with one hug, pick me up more than I thought
possible.
9 Don't argue
There’s simply no point. You will never win, and if you do win, it will be a
hollow victory because of the mood she’ll be in for a long time
afterwards. Quite frankly, who needs the aggro? This leads to my final and
most important point:
10 Don't make them cry
There is nothing more distressing than watching Lou-Lou’s enormous, innocent
brown eyes overflow with tears, while her mouth becomes a gaping, drooling,
mournful air-raid siren that pierces through to the core of my heart. I’m
utterly defenceless when she cries. And there’s no known antidote. Food?
Monkey impressions? A pony? Stabbing myself in the eye with a chopstick? I
will agree to anything to stop her crying – and doesn’t she.
I think my loved boyfriend needs to read this. It is true!!!!. I was thinking that boy kids are not like that. We girls are like Lou Lou, just different preferences with the years.
Dulcinea, Lima, Peru
What I wouldn't do for a man who employs these strategies and genuinely means them...
D. Charko, Leduc, Canada
This article just represented so clearly my relationship with my lovely niece Catalina, thank you for the inspiration.
Alejandro, Santiago, Chile
Cynical, but a funny article, Some people do need to lighten up,
However, please remember, if you meet the right women nothing should be an effort or an exercise into changing who you really are. Approach women like a pint, something that you like and makes you feel good, not like a rubik's cube ;)
Romeo, London,
ehhh.... just be urself, be honest and to the point but politely....
israel, houston, usa
I agree with Monica above (wish the comments were numbered as in the New York Times)), what you've discovered is the secrets of toddler behavior. My little son was just the same at two, and is not that much different at four. As I recall, I was pretty similar at that age too.
Mathew, Toronto, Canada
Why is it that supposedly intelligent people do not seem to possess the humour gene?
This is a brilliantly funny article and true in so many ways.
I'm going to send this article to all my male (and female) friends for a giggle, and some insight.
Gabi , Tonbridge,
i think you forgot one... the man must ALWAYS have the final say. i suggest finishing every argument with "whatever you say, my love".
dan, london,
Hummmmmmm! Great idea, I love this comparison. For sensitives people, see and notice a child with you innocence is a great deal. Congratulations Mr. Safran.
Valdir, Brumado, Brasil
great article. i cant claim to know women and have a hard time believing anybody who says they do, even if they are a woman. boys and men differ slightly. key elements for most boys: challenging entertainment, food. key elements for most men: challenging entertainment, food, sex. not in any order.
steve, brooklyn, usa
Ill tell u the advice ive learned from my daughter. A women need to know who's boss. My daughter walks all over my wife, because shes scared to use dicipline. If i see her doing something bad, all i have to do is say her name and she runs to me agoligizing. Just show autority and u will be respected
Fres, Sydney,
The article read like an AFC how-to. Reading that was like one giant facepalm. Sadly, some poor schmucks will believe it. If only people knew better.
You want to know how to really know a woman's mind grab a copy of Magic Bullets, The Game, or the Venusian Arts Handbook. It'll change your life.
Joe, Maryland, USA
You clearly haven't learned anything , I got this far by the time I was 8 and then learned I was wrong by the time I was 9. Treat a woman like you would treat a man and if they don't like it the hell with them. Who has time for childish behaviour.
Keith, Hinckley, Untied Kingdom
The only thing I can say to this is best said in the movie Braveheart....
The super hot princess is trying to get a read on Wallace when she says
"Peace is made in such ways..."
to which a totally badass pre-anti-semetic tirade Mel Gibson replies....
"SLAVES are made in such ways"
That is all..
Adrian, San Antonio, USA
Andrew in Chico has it wrong, listening is important but most importantly 6,7,8, and 9 are really big ones. and these can and do apply to men. it shouldnt be figureing out men or women but both as these apply to both sex's. either way. good article. pardon the spelling and grammer as i am in a hurry
Felix, PORTLAND,
This isn't the same Tad who wrote that English women were overweight, unkempt, ungroomed, slovenly and had hideous teeth is it?
Sue, Felpham,
Good list.
Thing is, there is nothing here that does not apply equally to men too...
jen, London,
Except points 4 and 6, I haven't found any good ones in the list. They only apply in limited situations.
-- Don't make them cry ? : If they cry for their fault, whatever it is, it is their problem.
-- Don't argue ? : without that they'll have poor talking/negotiating/understanding skills.
ravi, sacramento, US
Ha ha a great article, I think your perceptions are perfect. Let's hope lots of men read this and think.
Jane, Aydin, Turkey
I've searched the world over looking for an equation that would finally solve women, but do you know what i found?
no equation or help list needed. everything you need is already programmed into you. you just have to be confident enough to let it out.
the ignoring bit is great though.
carl, Warren, RI,
What a fantastic interpretation of interaction with women. As much as it pains me to admit it, most of this rings true. The modern woman is prideful being on the outside, yet eternally a young girl with insecurities on the inside. All they want is a non-condesending, understanding, and sincere man.
Stephanie, Sacramento, USA
It's all about respect, and learning how to communicate. The 1 to 10 can apply both to men and women.
Candy, Fort Lauderdale, USA
Congratulations, you figured out how toddlers, both male and female, work not women.
This is why you're still single.
Enjoy your hand, because you'll never get a woman without paying unless you change the way you think.
Erik, Pittsburgh, USA
Dude... all of these pieces of advice are great for interacting with kids. But seriously, you could say exactly the same for boys as for girls. Women are adults! Start treating them like adults, cause right now it seems like you're just sad and scared of women. You're giving men a bad name!
David Daniels, Bedford, UK
An entertaining read but not a good template for a successful relationship. Treat your lady as you would like to be treated and you'll see soon enough if the relationship is worth pursuing.
Kleiber, Buenos Aires,
Haha right on! I have been learning some of this stuff lately too!
You cant worry too much about what a girl thinks, otherwise she thinks you are unsure of things. This whole article is great, I love it. If every guy would just follow these rules, the world wouldbe a much better place!
Jon, seattle, USA
fab!
Megan, Corwen, UK
My wife and I have mutual respect. She decides the trivial stuff like where we live, what we eat, what we do every day, who we see, what we buy, where we go on holiday etc...She defers to me on major policy matters like what we think of the Dalai Lama.
Eric Skelton, Cardiff, Wales
I believe someone might have said it before but this is universal. It has to work both ways. If she treats you in these ways and you treat her in these ways, the relationship will be spectacular. If not, someone is going to be a doormat to the other and the relationship is not going to last.
Daniel, San Diego, CA, United States
to truly understand woman.. I have one thing to say, "don't generalize." Treat every woman like she is unique. Only apologize when you truly mean it. If she makes you bend backwards all the time when it's not your fault, then she is not worth it. Move on.
Ashish, Chesapeake, VA, United States
I agree with John from San Francisco, if you do most of the things on this list (like give women their way, apologize no matter what), they will be spoiled, stupid, irresponsible, and annoying to be around. I'm a woman and I hate it when ANYONE does this to me or to anyone else. Grow up!
Amy, Dallas,
Sounds to me like you figured out the secret to toddlers, not women. The logic you just laid out would apply to any two-year old I've ever known.
Mature women do not have to be treated like toddlers.
Monica, Huntsville, USA
Men shouldn't have to bend over backwards for women all the time - just as women shouldn't have to assume the role of mother/housekeeper/permissive sex toy for the man in her life. But some give and take is key to ANY human interaction regardless of the sex of the individuals.
jojo, Los angeles,
funny, enjoyed it immensley.
I have to say thought that most if not all of those rules apply to men.
Micaela, Salem, USA
I'm sorry to say , but your article doesn't accurately deal with women, but rather little kids. The 2 things you got right was number 1 , 4 and 3 . Girls look to men to lead and respect. Girls like to be girls, its biological. Never give them gifts!!! that shows you are submissive and not in charge!
Andrew , Chico ,
I don't agree with it , what happen to 50/50 this is not it, bowing down to there every day needs come one I am a woman and I don't want my men to do that , and bribing , why not stick black mail in there to. This is ridiculous.
Angelle, Sudbury, Canada
I hate that it seems the goal of most people is to have issue-free interactions with the people around them. This attitude leads to boring personal relations. Instant apologies in all situations destroy both idealogical importances and the fun. Emotional arguments, even break-ups, are life!
john-riley harper, Orem, USA
Not a bad start, but I've found that the best guide to the irrationalities of the female mind is "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus".
Jon Leigh, Southern, France
i acted as you described with my last girlfriend... i apologized unconditionally, i listened, i didnt argue... and guess what... she got spoiled and grew to expect that she would always get her way. i grew resentful and we broke up.
why should men have to bend over backwards for women all the time?
John, San Francisco, USA
As a women and a mother I find this incredibly insightful!! Wow, if you take things they way he seems, to me, to mean them - you'll do well with most women! Those few of us who truly understand men - well, they'll appreciate it anyway and won't have to make excuses for you any longer!
Jennifer, Portland, USA
as you say, this is a series of generalisations, and i can tell you that if i ever had to deal with a woman like this, i'd keep looking. believe it or not, there are non-princessey, rational, and sensitive women out there. scarce as they may be, they make all the frustrations of life tolerable.
paul, new york,
No freakin way man! If bowing to their every needs is the only way to make women happy then count me out. I like mutual respect.
Thank you!
Tim, St. Louis,
I agree somewhart with what you have to say, it's a powerful piece really, you get a good oppertunity to see the later in life developments of an adult in the core actions of a child. A reference of scale I think.
Doug, Columbus, U.S.A.
Cute and funny - I agree with everything but the "Ignore Them" part.
Wow, there are some nasty males out there -
"Don't spend so much of your time thinking about women. Figure out what you want from them and cut to the chase."
Don't have any luck with women, do you?
Jane, Madtown,
That was pretty funny. Really enjoyed reading that and there is a grain of truth in everything you've written.
Ahmed, New York, USA
You got 1, 8 and 10 correct, the rest you should pretty much do the opposite! So in 50 years you'll be able to bed any supermodel you happen to meet and have cute little kids one day too :)
mike, melbourne,
if the person you're with needs to win every argument, they just may be two years old
michal malchone, Levittown, United States
God, I wish it was that simple! However, great writing.
Wafula, Nairobi,
Don't spend so much of your time thinking about women. Figure out what you want from them and cut to the chase.
Andrew Milner, Karuizawa, Japan
sounds like a glorified servant to me. Does everything requested without complaint.
I pitty any man that finds happiness in that.
Lawrence, London,
Sarah, Cambridge, your post confused me and I'm a fellow woman. Did you miss a clause?
Enjoyable read, Mr Safran. Certainly applicable to small children, but I'm far too rational a being for these ploys to render me putty in your hands...honest...;o)
Gemma, Leighton Buzzard, UK
Spot on. I agree with you 100%. Although no.1 has to be carried out with some delicacy and diplomacy. A very entertaining piece. look ing forward to more from you Tad.Keep up the good work
abdul salam, London, UK
Thank you Tad. Your article will be excellent, and of course, referenced, material for my new book, "A Complete Guide to Understanding Women".
Peter, Medina Sidonia, Spain
not a bad article. i however believe a bit of give and take is fundamental to a good relationship. no woman is going to respect a wimp in the longterm, who appolgies and admits fault in every argument. there is no reason why you cant win a few debates with logic and reasoned thinking.
michael, edinburgh,
I would like to reiterate the sentiments of this article, I agree wholey with all the points; and must point out that any woman offended by this article clearly are just either embarrased at how shallow and materialistic they appear on paper...but why sugar coat it!
Brilliant advise, the world will be a better place if us men could take a class in such advice from the age of 12-16!
Anyone else agree?
Sunny, Liverpool, England
Sweet and funny reading.
I probably will learn from it ;-)
But am I really supposed to lie that much?
Would love to be just myself.
laurent, london, uk
Ha ha ha ha ha, you think that you have learned the rules for women??? Not a chance! these may work on some women for some of the time, but not for long. You missed another important rule. women retain the right to change the rules without notice or warning.
The only rule I have ever had was this: PAY ATTENTION TO THEM! to what they say, how they say it, how they look when they say it, their body language and their demeanour and keep accurate records of what they say when. Do your homework and you should be OK. They can harbour a thought about something for months or years before asking your opinion on it and you had better remember what your opinion should have been or was at the time too or else....Women are hard, no, they are very hard work, but if you persevere, make the effort and really REALLY pay attention, then they are almost worth it..... sometimes.
Ken Hall, Barrow in Furness, UK
Apparently some of the folks responding to this article have never noticed how well people (not only women) respond to a man with a sense of humour............
Esther, London,
Follow these rules only if you want women to walk all over you. Women like their men to be dominant and take control not a pansy who can be walked all over. Follow these rules and they will cheat on you.
Ryan, Manchester, UK
Unfortunately, it is all true my dear Tad. It took me some decades to learn it!!
Fernando A. Botelho, Ilhéus, Bahia/Brazil
Cannot believe that people are offended by this! or some men giving serious advice like don't let women walk all over you having failed to grasp the point and humour of this story. Extremely funny and poignant, i laughed out aloud and found this to be very close to the truth.
john, wales, wales
Philip from Bangkok- perhaps practising number 4 (Listen to them) means "talk to them and ask them", in which case you might have known she was after a "Real Man" in the first place...
I just turned 30, whaddo I know, comforting that the age of enlightenment is on its way though, great article!
Tim, Bristol,
Really....
Come on people, chill out It's a bit of light hearted banter! Take it as tongue in cheek and have a chuckle.
Dan, London, UK
Dear Tad,
what a fun handbook! It's all true, but careful: women wrote it before you, to order men! And women gave you also the illusion to have understood them all! Poor, foolish man!
In my country we call this discovers "the discover of hot water".
By
alessandra bia, matera, italy
Hehe, I love it...and think my boyfriend would find it funny aswell!
I think those people having a moan about it should lighten up a bit though... :p x
Lauren, Edinburgh, Scotland
....and who said men were immature. Compare their basic, needy wants with that of a 2 year-old and you begin to understand their mental maturity.
It's just a shame you can't live without them.
duncan, Wokingham, Berkshire
Gosh, Tad, a humerous article written with perception. Albeit rather superficial twaddle but fun nevertheless.
I certainly wouldn't advise men to follow this to the letter otherwise they'll come out looking rather sycophantic and spineless.
However, you missed out number 11 - Remember that women DO hold grudges!!
Frances Roberson, Croydon,
So basically you're saying "Let them walk all over you"
Treat them as you meet them as you would a man.
It's not rocket science mate.
Phill , The Wirral, England
Hi Paul: Camus is OK, but: "Without desire women bore me, and without women, I have no desire".
Deepak, Wayland, USA
Brilliant assessment - but with the added caveat that it depends on what you are seeking to achieve!
Bob, Glasgow, Scotland
I think I am DEEPLY in love with you!How can you say this article is offensive...it's just completely true!
Chiara, Reggio Emilia, Italy
Terrils of California -
I know you mean well, have taken possession of the high ground and I would love to be able to agree with you. But seventy six years' experience, several girlfriends, a wife and a much-loved daughter tell me you are dead wrong .
Peter Lloyd, BLACKER HILL, South Yorkshire
Ah, the age-old debate.
To quote Kurt Vonnegut - "all women are psychotic, all men are jerks."
Lou-Lou sounds like a battleaxe.
Jamie, Manchester,
Women - like real people, only different...
Simon, cardiff, wales
iI loved the article, even so it made me laugh an so angry at the same time. It also showed me how "simple" men really are. I would much rather a man tell me some thing and mean it than be so insincere, because believe it or not guys we can still tell when you say something and not mean it.
If you really are perplexed about how women work, to reading "Men are from Mars and women are from Venus".
jackie, birmingham, west mids
Insanity. Man recommends impersonating door mat and all the women love him! Yet in real life it's a recipe for disaster. Woman will just turn into bully with no respect for Mr Rug and man just becomes resentful (provided he has still got a pair). This applies vice versa. Treat people, most of all friends and loved ones, how you'd like to be treated. And people wonder why divorces are up, people living alone, etc...
Mark, Liverpool, England
Charming! I find the same satisfying ease of communication with the infants I adore. But, don't forget, the writer is the man who whined about English women not being dedicated to pleasing his cliches of expectation. An appealing woman is to him not an equal, but a child to be indulged. A girl of two is perfect in every way, in herself, in her beauty. It must pain him that such children become more complex in their appeal and character and less satisfied with goonish flattery.
bella, London, England
I think, the writer is giving us some facts about woman nature generally. But these generall ideas do not work with all women. These may give us some clues, however we must find our own good methode. Every woman is diffirent from others, like men. So everybody must find their own ways to deal with the women in their lives. Some people are talented, have ability and so the methode works; some people are untalented and have no capacity and no methode works. It is just life. It is not just about methodes, it is more about the people who applies the methode.
Fatih, Hamburg, Germany
I'm going to have to side with Johns F and Smith. I'm hoping this article is sarcastic - otherwise it's no surprise you're still single at 30+.
I strongly believe that the happiest relationships are built on equality - and so have absolutely no respect for the total nonsense spewed forth under #5 about always putting yourself in the wrong. I wouldn't want a woman who can't admit when she's made a mistake, nor one that doesn't listen to any valid points you may have.
And while #4 is fine, isn't #8 almost its exact opposite? If I'm going to listen, I expect also to be listened to. The result will hopefully be a productive, enjoyable and intelligent conversation.
Caroline from Sydney - be even more embarassed that you just asked a man who believes in this tripe to marry you. This is simply not the quality of articles I expect from The Times.
</rant>
Colin Haywood, Seaford, UK
this articled cheered me up today!
what a guy!
Imaad, bradford, uk
Most women just want someone to love, honour and cherish. What kills a marriage is lack of respect. Some women treat men like dirt and vice versa. This article is too simplistic.
Jenna, swindon, uk
4 marriages? how would you be happy then. maybe if you'd used any of those pointers at all. you'd be in 1 marriage and happi-ER.
jeremy, newport,
Where is this Tad Safran? I want him!
fiona, London,
Jem, London - there is a companion article to be written about men! A large number of men can be kept happy by equivalent strategems that can be learned from little boys. To paraphrase someone or other, almost everyone is a child - some people are nice children and some people are nasty children.
Pauline, Kingston upon Thames,
Lovely! So funny, so true. I think Tad--should he wish so--will no longer be single. Now if we could get the "Simple Guide To Men...."
Monika, Piscataway, New Jersey, United States
I have no doubt the author is fully aware, despite his disclaimer, of how insulting and condescending (not to mention inaccurate) his article is. If the women the author is associating with respond best to being treated with deception, manipulation, cossetting, condescension and bribery, perhaps he should consider associating with grown-up women, who respond best to honesty, intelligence and decency.
Terrils, California, USA
you forgot about the unwritten rule, "catch a little hell each day but do not let it build up!" sometimes if it builds up and you get way in the hole, you can never get out. have a rating system and when you do something unfavorable and go down to lets say to -3, and she will tell youk, try to do something good enough to get back to 0, but not too good to go up to +2, that will not last 'til sundown. best to stay at zero!!!
josiah p , hampton, virginia
This tells people nothing about women and everything about toddlers. A boy toddler, IME, is just the same. So 'poof' goes this ' amusingly-put-theory' about women: waste of space and patronising cobblers.
Oddly enough, Mariam, I'm a "real woman" too. I just have a functional brain and a modicum of self-respect to boot.
Mary, North of London,
so act like a doormat and all will be well
Ben, manchester, england
Absolute tosh, I never used those pointers in any of my four marriages and I'm happy-ish.
Brad, Stockport, England
"There are only 3 things ti be done with women: love them, paint them and turn them into literature". Honoré de Balzac
Mig, Madrid, Spain
I beleive that u wrote an incredible article.It was so funny and interesting. And as real woman, I can tell u that it works 100%!!!So bravo!
Mariam Alex, Paris, France
Very funny article. Thoroughly enjoyed it.
Did they name his niece after the Kathy Burke character in Harry Enfield and Chums?
Mary Allen, London, England
The best solution, dear Tad, is to be gay...
life is much simpler than having to understand the un-understandable.
Garry W, Londson,
What a candid view on a problem men have pondered for decades. As I woman, I think Lou-lou has taught you some very valuable lesssons, and you would be the wise man to learn from her, rather than learning from a grown woman with far reaching consequences!
Sarah-Jane Brummage, Perth, Australia
Ignoring women you fancy doesn't work. I tried this, and they always ignored me right back
Angus, Palmanova, Italy
"Without desire women bore me, as I undoubtedly bore them".
A. Camus.
Paul, Amsterdam, Netherlands
you can just about get away with behaving like a two-year old when you are two. perhaps a bit less pandering would ensure fewer women needed to be treated this way in adulthood. and then maybe tad could get to know some normal women.
I can only assume the proposal came from someone who hasn't read any of tad's previous articles.
jem, london, uk
will you marry me Tad?
Jo, London , UK
katy, london - lighten up sweetness!
you sound like a right handfull!
david, kenton,
And once again the educated masses fail to grasp the humour of this article and jump to offended.
As a women I found this hysterical and to say it's all lies is the biggest lie of all.
I would just like to know if this two year old can provide seminars for the men folk!!!
Long live Lou Lou!!!
Rebecca, Cheltenham, UK
This is excellent and works for teenage daughters also! I am a woman, by the way, and I'm just not like this at all.I must be male brained as her behaviour has baffled me at times.She often complains that when shes whining on at me for ages i'll ask if she "wants a banana" or something ,so I've found that distraction from self-centred droning works too!
Dawn, newport , UK
it's true james :P
Mattia, venice, italy
I could not disagree more with this advice. I tried all of these suggestions with my ex-girlfriend after reading something similar before . When she left me after 4 years of me trying to be the perfect partner for her she told me what she really wanted, a REAL MAN! Someone to take charge, someone who would not allow her to get away with being spoiled, someone who is masculine and someone ready to stop her doing stupid things. If you let them get away with even the smallest thing, they will perceive it as weakness and take more and more advantage of your generous spirit.
Phillip, Bangkok, Thailand
To say this article is offensive, would be an under-statement. To say The Times has tooped to new lows of tabloid-journalism, is also too obvious. To say that you have had trouble relating to women your whole life, is not surprising.
Katy, London,
I think I'm in love...
Liz, West Mids,
Do not, never, ever grovel. Show you're weak and they'll have you for breakfast and tell everyone about what goes on. We're natural negotiators and compromisers and things can be worked out. Too many men are content to be a b&tch!
John, London,
Number 1 must be followed. If you like a girl ignore her.
James, Milan,
I don't believe for an instant that anyone called Tad could have any interest whatsoever in watching the Rugby World Cup final.
Oonagh, Hong Kong,
I learned that reverse psychology works pretty well also.
Robert Tilford, McCracken, USA, Kansas
Thank you, Oscar, for pointing out that many men are exactly the same!
Cass, London, UK
This article is the best thing in my life right now.
Nik, Edinburgh,
Great rules, if you want to be utterly walked over.
Andy, London,
Well, you are lucky to have learned these lessons while so young!! I am 67 and have never until today had such good advice! Maybe that's why I've been married three times - though this time is for keeps.
Basil Howitt, Perpignan, France
Absolutely true especially points 1,3,5 & 6, guess we need to be celebrating and appreciating the differences between the sexes not trying to standardise things. Though in my view woman do like a man to stand up to them occasionally and not be spineless.
Remember it is not cool to appear desperate or needy to a strong woman.
Dominic, Farnham, Surrey
it took my father quite some time to master the rule of "letting them do it".
When he lived with my mother, she bought a new kitchen and they argued endlessly about where all the cupboards were supposed to be...
He then got divorced and now lives with another woman. Once again they were buying a new kitchen. My dad immediately saw that the cupboard positioned right by the door at head height, would mean people will be banging their heads at it all the time. She disagreed, and he let her have her way. After about a month, she had a massive bruise on her forehead, but said nothing, because that way she would admit she was wrong. My dad then came up to her, hugged her and said : "you know you were right about that cupboard, we shouldn't have had right by the door, now it is so inconvenient for everyone". She smiled a bit confused, but said nothing. They moved the cupboard and everyone is happy now. :)
Eve, Edinburgh,
Try a same sex relationship. You'll find that men are just the same. x
Oscar, Paris, France
Tee hee. Hilarious. And all true.
Helen, Southport, UK
I think most of this advice works for both sexes. Such as don't argue with your partner, even if you win, they will be upset and you don't want that anyway. Don't complain about petty things, apologise when they think you did something wrong, even if you disagree. Don't tell them what to do, let them do it themselves... listen... compliment.. those are so universal, if more people followed these simple rules, not only with their partners, but all the family members, friends and all the people around them, there would be far less arguments.
Eve, Edinburgh,
cty from zhejiang China.
I completely agree with you. I just wish my girlfriend felt the same way, she prefers I treat her like the 2-year-old described. By the way I live just over in Anhui fancy a drink sometime?
peter, Maanshan, Anhui
"Don't argue. There’s simply no point. You will never win." Oooh, that is so true!
Christina, Samara, Russia
I'm not surprised it has taken you until your mid thirties to gain some understanding of women. A big part of the problem for men is that they will have been doted upon by their mother during their childhood. A lot of mothers would give the sun, moon and stars to their male offspring if they could, without expecting much in return. This sounds good, but it doesn't in any way prepare you for what to expect later in life from other women. In my view, this needs to be added to the list, preferably at the number one spot.
Derek, Uxbridge, UK
Personally I've found that the numbers 2-10 are over-rated. Stick with 1. and you won't go far wrong.
john Smith, manchester, uk
"It doesn’t matter what you’ve done. It doesn’t matter if you don’t even know what you’ve done... The best policy is to throw yourself on her mercy and beg forgiveness."
How about a little self-respect? Instead of reaffirming the emasculating notion that all men are self-loathing creatures, beneath contempt, whose very existence is subject to their partner's approval (or rejection), it would be much more enlightening to read something like "Stand your ground from time to time, don't say 'sorry' when you've done nothing wrong, and don't allow your partner to manipulate you by always being the one in the 'wrong'. You'll be much happier in the long run, trust me."
The notion of "training" men, however tounge-in-cheek, is abhorrent. Please. How about some mutual respect and admiration? It goes a long way.
John F, London,
You forgot to mention how men can learn to survive PMT. Apart from that it all makes good sense to me.
Simon, Chippenham, UK
Yep! Spot on. Dogs are the same.
David, Cheltenham, UK
I agree with cty from China - we're not aliens from the planet Zarg. We don't need an instruction manual. Perhaps if those amongst the male population who treat women as though we're some sort of mystery to be solved, rather than human beings with our own thoughts and desires, they might find we're not so mysterious after all?
Sarah, Cambridge,
Brilliant, and lou-lou sounds as though she has you fully trained! And here I have tried to train my husband for seven years and got no where.
I may just have to get him to read this ;)
Karen, Crewe,
A fun light read for the weekend but still with some fundamental truths for guys and gals to destress their busy lives and just enjoy each other!
Jenny, Hong Kong ,
Delightful read. I am a woman and I thoroughly enjoyed it; some of what you said are very very true.
Flower, London, UK
Yeah, you have mentioned some interesting opinions
however, from what i gleaned on my own experience, treat them like a normal person rather than use all the crafty measures is the best way to proceed a real relationship.
If them could not act as reasonable as any adult , need you treat them like a 2 year old kids, How hard will your marriage be?
cty, zhejiang, china
I understand this was NOT the point of your article... But marry me Mr Safran (conjunctive at beginning of sentence notwithstanding).
Very funny, very poignant. I am fabulous, modest (clearly, ha!) and, er, embarrassed now.
Oh.. and I'm quite serious.
Caroline, Sydney, Australia