DR THOMAS STUTTAFORD

I hope that you didn't make too much of it and only gave your husband a dismissive kiss and your daughter a hug before adopting a totally loving but detached manner.

The saying “Least said, soonest mended” applies as much to sexual adventures as it does to all other domestic dramas. You don't explain what you mean by “rough” sex. If your daughter unfortunately stumbled across an episode of vigorous copulation, you have nothing too much to worry about. It may have been embarrassing for all three of you, but there should be no lasting damage to your relationships.

However, if you are using the term “rough” as a euphemism for sado-masochism, and you had turned your bedroom into a passable copy of a Chelsea cellar of the type in which German-speaking prostitutes might ply their trade, your problems could be greater.

If this was so, I can understand why your child was as frightened as she was by an apparently violent occasion. She may very well have made the reasonable assumption that either Daddy was beating up, possible even trying to murder, Mummy, or vice versa. In either event, just say that you were both playing a game and that it was one that is no more unusual among adults than the noisy rough games that your daughter and her friends enjoy together.

If your daughter had been even a fraction older, she would have been more sexually aware and understood what was happening, and, even if unhappy, flustered and possibly troubled, she wouldn't have been as distressed as she was. It would have been helpful if after the incident you had gone out of your way to display affection, without any sexual undertones, to both your husband and your daughter just in case she had fears that she had witnessed a fight rather than abandoned love-making.

In terms of the long history of this country, yours is a comparatively recent problem. When I first started in practice, many of my patients lived in two-bedroom cottages, often with outdoor lavatories, that put pay to any privacy. Despite the noisy communal life of these households, which deprived everyone who lived in them of solitude and seclusion, the owners continued to reproduce regularly and happily, if not always with abandon.

So exposed were all aspects of cottage life in rural England, that some of the older loos that I was shown 50 years ago, often outdoors, were two or three seaters. This lack of solitude didn't give much opportunity for daydreaming or meditation. And I had always assumed that the fellowship offered by a communal morning visit to the lavatory had disappeared into history a generation or two before I started my practice.

Over the past 150 years houses have progressively evolved so that members of a family are able to live more individual and private lives but, as they do so, so do the taboos surrounding nakedness and bodily functions, including sex, increase. Recently, the standard use of wooden-framed houses, with thin, wooden and plaster walls, has again resulted in the reduction of privacy. Now staying with someone in a small modern house results, just as it did 100 years ago, in someone having to share the sound of their hosts' love-making as well as the delights of their table.

Dr Thomas Stuttaford, The Times doctor, spent many years working in a genito-urinary clinic

SUZI GODSON

A psychoanalyst friend suggests that you should avoid being intrusive and wait for her disturbance to reveal itself through her behaviour. It might come out in the way that she plays with her toys, or she may have nightmares, but when she manifests her upset you can begin the process of making it better.

Though you can't be sure how much she saw, you can be sure that her inability to comprehend what you were doing has made it much more frightening, so you need to let her know, gently, that she isn't crazy to feel shocked by it. A calm, reassuring tone will do more to convince your daughter that there is nothing to worry about than anything you actually say to her.

It may be that it was not what she saw but how you and your husband reacted that has affected her. Can you remember how you both behaved when she came into the room? If you screamed and told her to get out, her upset may be more to do with your anger and rejection of her than anything that she witnessed. If you reacted badly, apologise for shouting at her and admit that you were caught off guard.

Although children of between 4 and 8 are thought to be at the ideal age for basic sex education, to avoid setting up unhelpful associations in her mind, I don't think you should confuse her by linking what happened to sex.

I would try to avoid going into detail about what you were up to but, if you have to, try to translate what she saw into terms that she can relate to. Use analogies that she will understand. For example, children are constantly playing rough-and-tumble games that involve pretend aggression, so you could tell her that you and Daddy were playing a game that is only for grown-ups. Be clear that you and her father love each other, and her, and if she fires awkward questions at you, don't be afraid to say that you are unsure how to answer them.

Having said that, if you feel that your daughter already has some understanding of sex, and you feel that this experience is giving her misguided ideas about the subject, you may need to be a little more frank. Though adults are very reluctant to do so, there is almost complete professional agreement that straightforward answers should be given even to very young children when they ask about sex.

Dr Mary S. Calderone, a well-respected American pioneer of sex education, goes one step farther. She believes that at the age of 3 children should begin learning, in clear, simple language, that the father's penis enters the mother's vagina and releases sperm, which unites with the egg in the uterus to make a baby. And, by the age of 5, a child should understand that sex is the way that fathers and mothers affirm their love for each other. Adults find educating children about sex difficult because they are loaded down by their own insecurities and embarrassments, however the average six-year-old is unencumbered by prejudices.

Kids take things at face value, thank God, because whether one is side-stepping the multiple contradictions of religion or Santa Claus, parenting is essentially just one giant process of explanation. Easier said than done with sex, but fortunately, there are lots of good books around to help. Mummy Laid an Egg (Red Fox, £5.99), by Babette Cole, is great place to start.

Suzi Godson is author of The Sex Book (Cassell, £16.99) and The Body Bible (Penguin, £16.99)

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