Someone has unearthed a Relate-style test from 70 years ago, designed to measure how women rated as wives. Back then, wifely misdemeanours included soiled aprons and wearing cold cream to bed (who knew?). A wife got merit points for asking her husband’s opinion on important purchases and letting him sleep late at weekends. You will not be surprised to learn there was no equivalent test for men, so I have decided to remedy that and bring you the up-to-date Good Husband Guide 2008.

The good husband

* Recognises the clinically proven need for us to sleep longer than teenage boys.

* Is willing to discuss current affairs, such as who is out on The Apprentice, and is prepared to talk about Mad Men, even though the series has finished (and would be prepared to go to the Sex and the City movie if you let him have two martinis first).

* Shows no interest in experimenting with late-onset jewellery-wearing and thinks Harrison Ford looks a prat with his earring (phew).

* Deals with own stain removal and attempts own ironing.

* Is diet aware: will cook without a pint of cream and pound of cheddar, and doesn’t mind the occasional lentil.

* Is fashion literate. Knows the difference between Marni and Louboutin, and is up to speed with Kate Moss’s latest collection (what we love, what we hate).

* Has a good changing-room manner: always patient and upbeat. Knows not to make wheezing noises whenever catches sight of a price tag or to say, “Is that meant to be that way round/how much longer is this going to take?”

* Is size aware. Knows wife’s knicker size, so can pick some up from M&S in an emergency.

* Is emotionally aware. Understands the need for wife to talk about things for at least half an hour before going to sleep, including Sheherazade Goldsmith’s bedroom fireplace (could it work for us?).

* Is surgery aware. Can’t understand why they would do it. What can they think they look like?

The bad husband

* Splashes fat all over the kitchen from cooking with the gas on full.

* Plays football all the time, even when it’s hailing, but can’t, when quite sunny, go to check out what is new in Gap.

* When shopping, buys everything organic, including pasta (look at the bill!) and buys a bag for life every time.

* Fails to ask wife’s opinion on important purchases such as 10ft painting featuring a lot of red or fridge for bedroom.

* Still doesn’t get the difference between PMT, MT and post-MT. Implies there isn’t much to choose between them.

* Pretends is only interested in Grand Theft Auto because of the amazing graphics.

* Expresses a view on weight-loss-to-cost ratio of Power Plate, MBT trainers and other essentials that do not concern him.

* Orders stuff on the internet, then leaves it at the post office.

* Doesn’t think you need Botox, but thinks everyone who has had it looks fantastic.

* Can sort of see why Sean Penn fell for that tsunami model.

Times recommends

• McDonald’s: the world’s local restaurant
• Help me to be a mum: a foyer to fulfilment
• A life online: God likes a laugh