Over the past ten-plus years of easy credit, cheaper manufactured goods and rising living standards, most couples have managed to juggle their money without coming to serious blows. When there have been problems, it has been reasonably straightforward to smooth over any differences. However, the credit crunch has put a stop to this and many couples are facing their fundamentally different attitudes to money for the first time.

The result is that about 80 per cent of the couples I see for marital therapy need help with rows about money. In contrast, five years ago when I conducted a survey into the reasons couples entered counselling, money problems ranked only sixth. Louise and Will, in their mid- thirties, are a typical example of a couple facing a credit crunch: they have been hit by a double whammy of increased mortgage costs and Louise's maternity benefits ending. “We used to have plenty of money, foreign holidays and time together,” says Louise, who has now returned to work part-time. “But now we hardly see each other and when we do we end up rowing about money.” While Louise has become a worrier, Will has tried to cope with the crisis by switching off. “I'm under a lot of pressure at work, so I need to relax at home or my head will explode,” he says. “So I'll play games on the computer or go off fishing.”

One partner goes down; the other up

Like most couples with financial problems, they are on a money see-saw; the more one partner pushes down, the higher the other goes. In the case of Louise and Will, the more “unconcerned” he becomes, the more “worried” she is. It has got to the point where they find it impossible to discuss their finances as even the slightest disagreement can turn nasty and end with days of not speaking.

Nowhere is the money see-saw more marked than when couples become “saver” and “spender”. Jake and Carol have been married for more than 20 years and their joint finances are basically in good shape. However, Jake believes that Carol's spending is out of control. “She's always coming back from the shops with piles of bags,” Jake complains.

“It's not like they're all for me,” she says. “I used to buy him something nice, like a jumper, but he'd get so upset that I stopped.”

Unfortunately, whenever Jake gets angry, she gets depressed and feels the need to raise her mood with another shopping trip. Their problems are made worse because they have no joint bank account and shuffle money between personal bank and savings accounts.

Money “wise” and money “innocent”

Another common see-saw is “wise” and “innocent” about money. On the surface, Pete, 52, and Samantha, 39, should have similar attitudes to money. They both had childhoods where finances were tight. Pete was the eldest of eight children and his mother struggled on his father's postman's salary. Samantha's father owned a hairdressing salon but was an alcoholic and drank all the profits. So her family had started in a detached house with a garden and ended up in a council flat. However, they draw different conclusions from their experiences. Pete has become money “wise”, reading the financial section of the newspaper, making investments and putting money into a pension fund. Whereas Samantha has become “innocent”. “I know nothing about money,” she says. “If an item is reduced by £20 that means I can spend the saved money on something else.” The more reckless Samantha becomes, the more Pete feels the need to hoard money. “Sometimes I feel like a little girl, asking Daddy for pocket money,” Samantha complains.

So how do you defuse these arguments and survive the credit crunch? The first step is to understand that money means different things to different people. I ask couples to tell each other a story from their childhood. Pete remembers finding 50p on the beach, the look on his mother's face when he gave it to her and the extra food it bought. So I ask him what money means. “Power,” he answers. Samantha tells about the pleasure from a shiny new bicycle for her tenth birthday and the pain of discovering three weeks later that her father had sold it. So what does money mean to her?

“Enjoy it while you can,” she concludes. Other meanings for money include: freedom, security, fun, a terrible responsibility, a way of keeping score, corrupting, status, respect.

The next step is to identify your particular see-saw - worried/unconcerned, saver/spender, wise/innocent, hoarder/gambler - and your greatest fear about what would happen if your partner got his or her way. For Carol, the shopper, it is: “Everything will be grey and dour and with no joy.” Her husband, Jake, reassures her that he doesn't want to stop all her spending. Jake's greatest fear is that the house will be repossessed.

It is Carol's turn to calm him down: “I'm aware that my wardrobe has got out of hand and I've started selling some excess clothes on eBay.” Ultimately, they are able to see that both ends of the see-saw have value: without Jake's saving, they would be in serious financial hardship but without Carol's ability to enjoy money, there would be no treats and their lives would be very dull.

Examine your past

Another way of understanding your partner's position on the money see-saw is to examine your past. Although your attitude to money may seem fixed, it will often change from relationship to relationship, depending on the other person's personality. When Will, the man who escapes his money worries by fishing, looks back at his first marriage he has a valuable insight. “She was reckless and I had to keep a very firm hand,” he says. He had been the “worrier” in that relationship. Ultimately, he and Louise have found a middle position.

It is only at this point that the traditional solution for money worries - getting out the bills, bank statements and pocket calculator - can come into play. For the first time, Will explains the complexities of his company's sales commissions and why his salary changes each month. Louise feels less ignorant and reassured.

Meanwhile, Carol, the shopper, is able to reveal the extent of her debts to Jake. He wants to know why she hasn't told him before and she explains that she would have felt judged. When they go through the monthly outgoings in their separate accounts, Jake accepts that the amount he contributes to their joint living expenses is inadequate, as her debts are partially caused by funding items such as their children's birthday presents out of the supermarket allowance. They also realise that their accounting system is a hangover from when they were first together and does not reflect the realities of family life. So they have opened a joint account.

Ultimately, there is no right or wrong approach to finances. However, dealings need to be transparent and honest and this is possible only if both partners feel that their opinions have been heard and valued first.

Andrew G.Marshall is a marital therapist and the author of I Love You But I'm Not in Love With You (Bloomsbury, £8.99)

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