The American counsellor, Mira Kirshenbaum, has written a book called When
Good People Have Affairs. It has caused a huge fuss by daring to suggest
that long term affairs can be the salvation of a relationship. Kirshenbaum's
challenge is that, whatever we say at the altar, there is no finite right or
wrong in relationships, just behaviour that works and behaviour that
doesn't. The question is - whose behaviour? There is a growing belief that
men and women think that they are using the same emotional and ethical
software, when in reality they are operating on completely different
platforms.
Let's take the most obvious split in behaviour that the revelation of an
affair brings out. Men are far more prone to compartmentalise. They file
experiences and relationships in different places with never any reason to
confuse them.
The darker side is at the heart of one of the most intriguing films to appear
in recent years. In Jindabyne, by the Australian director Ray Lawrence, a
group of male friends go on a fishing trip. On the first night they find the
dead, naked body of a young woman in the river. They secure the body with a
line, then carry on with their trip. They tell the police when they get
home. The rest of the film deals with the emotional fall-out as the
townspeople and their own partners turn on the men.
The film is based on a Raymond Carver short story, So Much Water So Close
to Home. The Carver tale turns on an outburst from one of the men,
Stuart: “Goddamn it, why can't people mind their own business? Tell me what
I did wrong and I'll listen!” Let's imagine a snap poll of readers. Hands up
who can tell Stuart what he did wrong? I'm pretty confident that 100 per
cent of females will be able to say what he did. So will a good percentage
of males. But there will be also be many men who share Stuart's bemusement.
Look at the facts. The men in the fishing party did not kill the girl. They
did nothing to the body other than to make it secure. They had a right to
carry on with their trip and it would have made no difference reporting the
death immediately.Stuart's wife watches in silent fury as he tries to
explain: “He gives me what he thinks is a meaningful look. ‘She was dead,'
he says. ‘And I'm as sorry as anyone else. But she was dead'.”
Helen Haste, a visiting professor of psychology at Harvard, analyses the scene
in terms of the different approaches that males and females have to concepts
such as “wrong”. Men are more comfortable with the abstract and the finite.
So Stuart's “right” to continue his trip is inalienable. And if someone is
dead, they self-evidently don't have the same rights as the living. For
Stuart's wife, the issue is just as clear-cut.
Professor Haste says: “Women think in terms of relationships. She wants to
drag out an emotional response. So how did they relate to the dead woman -
and how did they relate to the other men in the group?” Stuart has sex with
his wife before he tells her about the body: it's a dramatic evocation of
men's ability to put experiences into different boxes.
I agree that Stuart did wrong. But I understand why he did: there have been
too many occasions when I have been caught in the kind of tight space that
Carver describes. She wants to know why I didn't say something (about that
trip, that lunch). I say something lame such as it wasn't relevant. The
defence, which is never good enough for any woman, is that I didn't lie. I
just didn't volunteer the information. There's a difference.
As for relating to other men - this is where men are so often a
disappointment. Women like you playing golf with your best mate because it
is a great opportunity to talk, and that is considered A Good Thing. The
truth is, you talk mainly about golf. Male bonding is a phrase that women
like to use, but it doesn't mean much. You go fishing to fish, play football
to play football. Let's not fly to Mars and Venus, or stray into Emotional
Intelligence. Let's go back to this issue of gender and ethics and the
feminist debates that have enlivened academic life. The Ethics of Care is a
phrase associated with the work of the American psychologist, Susan
Gilligan, who worked with the cognitive psychologist, Lawrence Kohlberg. The
two parted company when Gilligan took issue with Kohlberg's studies, which
showed that boys reach a higher level of moral development than girls. She
questioned the very abstractions that the male establishment took for
granted - the so-called Ethics of Justice. Gilligan's alternative ethics,
expressed in her influential work In a Different Voice (1982), put
relationships and community at the centre of women's moral universe.
Gilligan's own research methods have since been questioned, often by more
radical feminists. But the opposing ethical systems that she depicts do give
us a useful lens through which to see the world. Look, most obviously, at
Diana, Princess of Wales. According to the ethics of justice, her sins
(adultery, for example) were no better or worse than her husband's. Where
she put herself beyond the pale was by betraying principles that went far
deeper than an individual's emotional problems. She dared to use the pronoun
“I” in place of the royal “we” or the equally royal “one”.
Yet the public saw a woman with an incredibly strong sense of right and wrong.
The film The Queen shows in beautiful detail what happened when the British
people chose those female values over male stoicism. And it's why Gordon
Brown has to take a direct interest in, say, the Madeleine McCann case.
There's a very useful personality test that you can do, based on the work of
two female Jungian psychologists, Katharine Cook Briggs and her daughter,
Isabel Briggs Myers. The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator assesses how you are
likely to relate to others based on four dichotomies
(extraversion/introversion; sensing/intuition; thinking/feeling;
judging/perceiving). I've been Myers-Briggsed a few times with senior people
at work, and it's the T/F axis (thinking/feeling) dichotomy that usually
separates the boys from the girls.
Both strive to make rational decisions. But high Fs will think of the effect
that this decision has on people: they are often women. High Ts - almost
always male - will make that decision based on what's logical. Most of us
combine both attributes - I'm a T with strong F tendencies. But I think that
the Ts, the Edwardian writers and the compartmentalisers, do get an unfairly
bad press.
Here's a thought. In this piece, I haven't brought in any personal
experiences. A female writer would probably have been less shy. Why am I?
Self-protection, I suppose. But there's an Edwardian voice in my head saying
that it won't do to bandy a woman's name.
As for keeping information back, sometimes I've done that out of a sense of
chivalry. This old word is behind more quirks of male behaviour than you'd
expect. Sometimes you keep back information from women because you think it
might hurt them. Most say that's the opposite of what they want, that I've
got some misplaced male idea of protecting them. But there are still women
who are all for a little reserve and discretion on the male side.
One, interestingly, is Mira Kirshenbaum. Owning up to an affair, she writes is
totally destructive. “Honesty is all very well, but not when it comes at the
price of your partner's trust and peace of mind.”
Polls showed that women eventually got fed up with Tony Blair empathising with
all and sundry. In Graham Greene's Latin American novels, machismo does not
mean swagger and display but its opposite: taciturnity and forbearance.
Professor Haste believes that we continue to bring up our boys to admire and
adopt that kind of machismo - and this may be a more useful way of
explaining how we see the world differently.
So, blokes: macho, chivalrous or just emotionally constipated and naturally
devious? It's hard to win when you aren't sure of the rules. Just tell us
what we're doing wrong and we will listen.
Do you think more like a male or female?
1 A young intern in a blue dress is attracted to you, and performs what the
tabloid press refer to as “a sex act”. You are questioned as to the nature
of your relationship. Do you:
A: Break down in tears and admit your failings as a husband, father and leader
B: Reply that you “did not have sexual relations with that woman”.
Technically, you are not lying
2 You are a 16th-century king of England and married to a young woman who is
too flirtatious with your courtiers. Do you:
A: Sit her down and gently tell her that her behaviour hurts you and is wrong
B: Shout: “Off with her head!”
3 You are a well-known actress, let’s call you Sarah JP (above), and a
prominent designer has lent you a dress. It transpires that the same dress
was worn by someone else on a previous occasion. Do you:
A: Denounce the fashion designer as “unethical and disappointing”
B: Quietly congratulate yourself for choosing a popular outfit. Fashion can be
such a minefield nowadays
Mostly As: You reason like a female. This may be good for your relationships,
but does it always work?
Mostly Bs: You reason like a male. You may be in the right, but you may not be
very nice.
I'm being stalked by my female cat as I write this note - should I worry ?
ian payne, walsall,
Lorna, London, UK
I can gladly tell you there are its just that cheats are more noticable
Edward Smith, Birkenhead, UK
This is hogwash! If you're going to commit to someone, it has to be 100% - body, mind, heart, everything! If you can't do that, don't bother getting married!! You cannot be a good spouse and be unfaithful. That is an oxymoron.
Dana, Hampshire, England
Ive had an affair from this free affair site loveisthebug and I have to say I think it helped me think about my marriage and what I wanted from my partner.
Zak, London,
If men and women are prepared to get married and cheat and consider nothing wrong with it well then they are betraying their partners, and this is clear. It's pure deceit.
It scares me that people think nothing of such behaviour. I'm determined to believe there are honest men out there!
Lorna, London, UK
Your article really helped me understand what my incredibly good husband who's had an affair means when he says he NEVER saw this woman in the light he sees and values me. That "compartment" that you speak about made much more since now. 23 yrs of marriage, we will work it out! He has wept for 2 mos
Jodi, pensacola, USA
This was an amazing piece. But the thing is, if you never get married there are no moral dilemmas whatsoever, no one gets hurt, there's no guilt, no fear, no worry about being good. And guess what? You can still have children. Marriage? Affairs? Who needs 'em.
David Hall, Bangkok, Thailand
Jeez, now I'll have to buy the book to know the answer to the title!
Robert H. Bruce, San José, Costa Rica
This article was nothing to do with the question “Why good husbands have affairs “ It never attempted to define what is a good husband. If that encompasses being totally faithful and honest then the question answers itself. Morality and happiness are sometimes not compatible. I say go with happiness
J Jenkins, Kendal, U K
come on people: gender roles are for sissies.
gender is just as much a social construct as race
Jimmy, London,
Rubbish.
One of the benefits of becoming married when we want
to, not at some culturally pre-determined age, is that we can
sample many delicious women before making our choice.
If, when older the grass looks greener then take the courage
and spare the spouse the hurt of an affair:Get divorced
Tom Greenthumb, London,
Men can work in their own way and that is fine. Just so long as we are aware that women don't think in the same way. Then we can take this into account.
That way men would be able anticipate what their partner wants.
Matthew, Cardiff,
The article says:
Men are far more prone to compartmentalise.
That may be true for the affairs they are having but I suspect they are highly unlikely to compartmentalize when they are the ones being cheated on.
Leigh, Virginia, USA
I have no difficulty with this argument. Most men, and even more women (As a matter of fact) have affairs during their marriage. Arguably, men have affairs because of their natural "Paternal" instinct. No one would criticise a woman for giving vent to their "Maternal" instinct. Double standards?
Rob, Liverpool, UK
I've been tagging along a man for 2 years now, it's nothing steady, just fun, altho he seems pretty committed but I am not. I just don't have the heart to tell him. I guess I am a 'T' rather than an F then.
barbara, glasgow, UK
My husband had an affair once. But that was a year ago, and now he's resting at the Davinshire Cemetary, bless his soul. He died unexpectedly and left me a lonely (but rich) widow and I'm now dating a 23 year old and expecting a baby soon ;)
duffy, glasgow, UK
Utter tosh good men dont have affairs we respect our other halves to much. And the way we think has nothing to do with it its a simple case of knowing right from wrong a concept most of us start understanding from when we are 2.
Simon, Soton,
you can not have a generic concept such as metioned in this artical, it is not relevant, under researched and a shining example of the proplems with the western culture
Jon Tang, southampton, uk
I'm a woman and I could definitely forgive an affair. But not many. I think it's fine to be attracted to others as well. On the other hand, affairs can usually be blamed on the spouse as well.
J Slocombe , Exeter ,
What a rubbish test. 1. I was torn between A & B because "a sex act" is undefined... depends what kind of "sex act" and whether it was reciprocated, 2. I said Neither, I don't care if my partner flirts and he doesn't care if I flirt. I'm going home with him at the end of the day. 3. I'm not a diva!
Seetal, London, UK,
1. Neither
2. Neither
3. Who cares?
I know the quiz was just meant to be a bit of amusement at the end of a relatively serious article, but many people will conclude from this that these are typical Myers - Briggs questions.
Martin Guthrie, Bordeaux, France
Oh pipe down. The notion that it is a great achievement to have a number of mistresses is as outdated as the religion you seek to defend.
Nick, London,
How ironic that having affairs is considered so normal in the West , the number of mistresses a mark of a man's predatory prowess. Yet if a man under Islam takes more than one wife, with all the responsbilties that come with that, that is condemned.
Atif Salahuddin, London,
I have to agreed with Diane. What is the article about ?
Women may be more in the F (feeling) side but they are great problem solvers. Because of the F women are good with the Ts (thinkers).
k, beielefeld, Germany
Buffalo manure. By definition, a good husband doesn't have affairs. He may be otherwise good but that is enough to make him bad.
Unless, of course, the woman is only looking for someone to pay for her expensive tastes and doesn't care about the man.
Rui, Lisbon, Portugal
Individual differences trump sex differences. But roughly speaking: each sex invents conspiracy theories about the other sex in order to avoid thinking about their own role in these problems. They then continue to behave in ways which cause the very behaviour in the opposite sex that they decry.
Leslie, Milton Keynes,
The gist of the article seems to be stating that women consider their emotional and relationship-oriented approach to life makes them morally superior to men. Unfortunately, it's the emotional rather than the rational response that's more likely to result in a miscarriage of justice.
David, Cheshire,
You can't evaluate these behaviours in terms of the outcome (happiness, peace of mind etc) Ethical decision making depends on unchangeable values such as honesty, putting others before self. How we come to these decisions can be through 'female' feelings or 'male' thought - it doesn't matter which.
Ros, Chandlers Ford, Hants
Surely it depends how long the body has been there. If it's years, then another few days won't matter. But if it's since yesterday it's more urgent for reasons that must be obvious to men and women alike (cause of death? suspicious circumstances? distraught relatives?)
Daley, Oban,
Most men operate at the physical level and this is partularly true when interacting with women. However 50% of people in affairs ( generally but not always ) are women - are they there for the emotional connection ..errrrmmmmm I don't think so ?
James, Windsor,
I went on a date once and when the moment came to swap numbers I opted for honesty, telling the woman that I wasn't really looking for anything futher. (The thought of her waiting for a phone call that would never come made me feel pretty horrible).
The woman screamed, punched me and stormed off.
Mick, Cork, Ireland
Sheesh, yet another lame article trying to find a logical substantiation for a man's philandering. Off with his head!
Or wait...the dog did it!
fiona , Singapore, Singapore
So 'Why good husbands have affairs' do never said! Did you forget what you were writing about?
james , London,
Men can win in life through brute strength and aggression, so pure logic is their best option. Women do not generally have the option to fight their way through life so need a greater awareness of how their actions effect others. If you can't fight, you need cunning.
Vic, London,
I'm sorry but nowhere in the article do you actually say why good men have affairs. This is just bad journalism.
Polly, Suffolk, UK
I dislike stereotyping according to gender. There are millions of individuals who have unique psychological profiles. The same individual behaves differently in different contexts - work and home, for instance. "Know thyself" has to be complemented by "know the other"; rules don't work.
Ruth, Johannesburg,
Good husbands don't have affairs.Simple as that really.
Ed Corbett, bridgend, wales
Male and female differences are complimentary, which is why both are required for managing and decision-making. Intuition, traditionally a female trait, often gives a very broad and incisive picture of a situation. Isn't this what macho policemen used to call a 'hunch'? Hmmm, very interesting.
Karen S, London, UK
Men want "a solution" and evaluate the evidence to optimise the best solution while realising that nothing is perfect. Women want to talk about how they "feel" about things and believe if we do that often enough it will be ok - whatever "it" happens to be.
John Stobart, Oakham, Rutland, UK
Oh yes yes! You are male - you are right! It's the path of logic, no?
Dia Karim, London,
Yes,men and women are different. Some world leaders are women and have been. Why discuss this issue ?
anita watts, brussels, belgium
i have always thought that while we definitely respond in different ways women are much more prepared to go into the miniature of each act or experience. Men tend to take a broader view. The big scheme of things if you like.
When understood this enables both to move forward.
Howard, Tokyo,
I don't think men and women are different, just that they perceive self interest differently. So they do what they think is necessary to get what they want. Depending on what that is for a given situation, they may act differently for a similar set of circumstances.
Raymond Okebiyi, Queens, New York, USA
What a barmy article. Mr Jones appears to promise frank talking about extramarital affairs, then wanders off to talk about anything but – and ends with a bit about chivalrously withholding the truth to protect the female. Is that what would be, in poker, called a "tell"?
Diana, Sheffield,
The same sexist thinking says that men are better scientists because they prefer cold, systematic evidence to emotive personal experience and intuition. Does this mean we can dismiss this book as unscientific and subjective rubbish just because it was written by a woman? The knife cuts both ways.
Tim, Edinburgh, UK
Of course, you know it's tough for a man or woman who has been accustomed to sleeping around BEFORE marriage...to suddenly become monogamous and respecting of the institution of marriage! My father told me that I should marry a virgin. That was back when there were such creatures!
Garth Rex, Glendale Heights, USA
The advise from the 'wise' woman regarding when to be honest is "not at the expense of your partner's trust and peace of mind". Trust and peace of mind are built on honesty - nothing else. If you lie by omission or commission you are a traitor to the person you love and to the cause of love.
Teresa, Coquitlam, Canada
Interesting article! I think individual sex drives play an important part in the descision to be unfaithful. I know men & women who would cheat without a thought as they see it as just discreet sex, which is seperate from their married lives. They certainly dont see themselves as 'bad' & nor do I!
James H, London, UK
I wonder how many woman have read this article and are now wondering what their seemingly good husbands are doing at this very minute........?
Stuart, London, UK
It's stating the obvious, at least to us males, but men & women are different. I know a lot of intelligent women who haven't clicked yet though.
Both have strengths and weaknesses. The trick is recognising them. I still don't believe women are suited to traditional male jobs, or vice versa.
j griffiths, manchester, england
Oh please, not quoting Gilligan?
Do some research on just how little research she did...
Katy, Sydney, Australia
Tendency to compartmentalize behaviour does not excuse bad behaviour, and "what-she-doesn't-know-won't-hurt-her" is not a moral standard.
I haven't read the book, but the real reason the men were wrong not to report the woman's death was because someone was out there in agony wondering about her.
Denise, Philadelphia, USA
The quiz at the end is too stark. What does it say, if my answer falls between the two offered?
Dean, Atlanta, Georgia, USA
You say, "I agree that Stuart did wrong." But you don't explain why. That makes me think you're saying that because you think you ought to say that. (I'm male but capable of being nice; sometimes I actually am.)
Tim, Tokyo,