MY EXCITING PASTIME

For the past 25 years, I have been assiduously removing stones from my vegetable patch in order to create a fine tilth. In view of climate change and the predicted hot, dry summers, should I now be putting them back in again to aid moisture retention?

PWS, Cossall, Nottinghamshire

Twenty-five years, eh? I wouldn’t bother going to the effort of putting them back, as I doubt you’ve got much longer left.

FORMAL COMPLAINT

Our youngest and his girlfriend have finally decided to get married, with their two young sons as pageboys. The trouble is, he has made up his mind to go formal at enormous expense, but the money would be better used to buy a new car to replace the wreck he drives at present. I wouldn’t mind normally, but the girl’s father and I agree that we both look totally ridiculous in penguin suits. Have you any ideas how we can quietly get him to drop the idea without causing any upset?

BC, by e-mail

Oh, come on, get real. There is no quiet way to settle disputes about wedding arrangements. A small difference of opinion over the tiniest detail of the bridesmaid’s nosegay will result in tantrums, tears and squeals of outrage (often from the groom’s father), so attacking the whole concept of their wedding is bound to cause noisy and prolonged controversy. Aren’t you being rather curmudgeonly? Try this formula: which is going to last longer, a new car or their marriage? If you think the young couple will keep going longer than a used Ford Mondeo, stop griping and slip on a morning coat.

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