Wedding woes

My daughter wants to get married next year and, as you know, the occasion is likely to be very expensive. How would you approach the prospective in-laws to ask how much, if anything, they are likely to contribute, as past experience tells me they are unlikely to volunteer.

RM, by e-mail

Your daughter’s prospective in-laws are probably sitting tight hoping that the tradition of the father of the bride paying all the wedding costs will prevail. However, this traditional approach is breaking down and often now both sets of parents chip in, or the couple themselves pay for their big day. This is because of the deplorably vulgar trend towards extravagant blowouts, and ought not to be encouraged. As you are paying for everything at the moment, you can decide the form. I suggest that you drop the in-laws a line, informing them that you will be charging their side of the family £30 a head to attend the reception (with a £15 surcharge for Uncle Gordon and his unfeasibly large appetite). This will bring them to the negotiating table.

Small problem

I’m 23 and sometimes get asked why I don’t have a girlfriend. I always say that I’m just not interested, which is partly true. The main reason I don’t want a girlfriend is that I feel I am underendowed. I don’t have what women want, so I see no point in having a relationship. The next time I’m asked why I don’t have a girlfriend, I’m thinking of just bluntly revealing the real reason. This is what I’d prefer to say, but what do you think?

JH, Manchester

Good plan. Most people are insatiably curious in this area, so you could find yourself suddenly very popular, as they will react by saying, “Gosh, really? Let’s have a look then.” And I am sure you will find a young lady who will regard you as the perfect fit.

Fading fantasies

As my age increases, so the quality of my dreams diminishes. I miss the free-falling over cliffs, plane crashes in the jungle, escapes under fire and entanglements with naked women. Last night’s dream about missing a bus prompts this desperate request for your help.

GC, Baden-Baden

The traditional approach is to eat cheese before retiring. Otherwise, try priming your imagination before nodding off: perhaps by leafing through some mild pornography while sliding down the stairs on a tea tray.

Up a chimney down

What is the correct umbrella etiquette when going under a bridge? Does one close the umbrella or keep it up even while no rain falls upon it?

AD, Coventry

If the bridge is less than 15 yards wide, then it is permissible to keep the umbrella up. Any more and the umbrella should be lowered. (Real sticklers will insist that it should also be tightly and neatly furled. I leave that to your conscience.)

Still up for it

I am a 37-year-old grandmother. Will this affect my pulling power? (I still have my own teeth.)

Pippa, by e-mail

No, I suspect that most grandfathers will think you’re terrific.

Send problems to: Mrs Mills, The Sunday Times, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1ST, or mrs.mills@sunday-times.co.uk. No correspondence can be entered into

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