Katya’s entire adult life has been characterised by driving ambition, which
has seen her achieve a first-class degree in classics from Cambridge and a
six-figure salary as a barrister. Now approaching 37, she hasn’t let
singledom get in the way of her next goal: motherhood. And because she is
accustomed to taking the initiative, she was less than careful when she had
a two-week affair with Phil, her cousin’s friend, earlier this year. Of
course, he wasn’t consulted about whether he wanted to become a father, but
when a man sleeps with a woman without using contraception . . .
“Most men I’ve been out with have been pretty disappointing,” she says, one
hand on her pregnant tummy. “I’m not making any demands on Phil, and I’m not
expecting him to be involved. I’m financially independent, so I know I can
give this baby an amazing life. I will be able to offer a more stable life
than some of my girlfriends, who gave up their jobs a decade ago to have
children, and who are now in failing marriages and have no independent
income.”
Katya’s attitude might seem blunt, reducing it to nothing more than a
biological transaction between herself and a suitable stud, but as a
fiercely independent and financially secure woman, she is not alone. The
news that the French justice minister, Rachida Dati, 42, is pregnant was
greeted with feverish speculation about the identity of the father. Dati,
meanwhile, has refused to name him, saying simply that her private life is
“complicated”. “I’ve always said that having a child was fundamental to me,”
was as far as she would go.
Minnie Driver has just become mother to a little boy, whose father she refuses
to name; Geri Halliwell is bringing up Bluebell independent of the child’s
scriptwriter father. Figures indicating the number of women who choose to
have a baby this way don’t exist, of course, but fertility clinics report
growing numbers of women choosing donor insemination (DI) as a form of
conception. And then there is the overwhelming anecdotal evidence: we all
know someone who has done it. For example, the 35-year-old record producer
and mother of a three-year-old son, who dines out on the account of how she
knocked herself up with the help of a turkey baster and a good-natured male
friend, or the society girl who, at 38, was so desperate for a baby, she
resorted to a quick fumble with the plumber.
Unsurprisingly, few women will admit to having actively stolen a man’s sperm.
It’s still one of the last sexual taboos in an age when almost anything goes
— sleep around as much as you like, but don’t do that.
“People have a real problem with the fact that I positively chose this
course,” says Sarah, 35, a script editor. Her daughter is now five; she
found herself pregnant as her relationship of three months was breaking up.
“I have only spoken to my closest friends about this, because most people
find it totally unacceptable. In the past, with other boyfriends, I had been
much more careful, but I was in my early thirties and my biological clock
was in overdrive. I really, really wanted a baby, and I didn’t have any time
to waste. My daughter’s father was clever and good-looking, and I suppose it
seemed safer to have an affair with him than a one-night stand. And it was
cheaper and a lot more fun than doing it in a clinic.” He, perhaps
understandably, was less than delighted to find out that he was going to be
a father. “He put pressure on me not to have the baby, but for me, it wasn’t
an accident,” she says.
There is something courageous about women who choose to have a baby via DI.
It’s a decision they make alone, and you will find plenty of websites and
support groups devoted to the subject. But it’s quite another matter when a
girl finds herself pregnant but doesn’t get the support she might expect.
Eddie Murphy and Steve Bing expressed disbelief at whether they were the
fathers after Mel B and Elizabeth Hurley respectively announced their
pregnancies. Faith, a music scout, has muddled through an arrangement with
Sam, a sexy but struggling musician, who she was sleeping with on and off
for nearly a year when she became pregnant. They were open with each other
about the fact that it was not what Bing might have called an “exclusive
relationship”, and although he initially didn’t want to have contact after
she told him the news, he now sees his five-year-old daughter, Maya, “about
once a month”. “I don’t feel guilty about having his baby,” says Faith. “He
was happy enough to have a lot of sex with me without using a rubber, and as
soon as I was pregnant, I told him that I wouldn’t expect anything from him
financially. It is quite nice having the odd Saturday off when Sam takes
Maya out, but I really wouldn’t want him to have much more access than that,
and I think it suits us both. She’s my daughter.”
What about the children? For many, it’s not an ideal upbringing. Dan, 31, and
his twin sister were born as a result of a fling between his mother and a
young academic who she had decided would be perfect father material. She
lost contact with him soon after she conceived. He doesn’t feel his life has
been dramatically overshadowed, but “I resent the fact that, on a basic
level, you don’t and can’t ever know half of your own background”, he says.
“There’ll always be a void. In my case, do I have siblings? What about
genetic diseases? Imagine not having an explanation for certain things you
do, and not being able to find them, ever. At least with sperm donation or
adoption you might be able to trace some answers. But when a woman decides
to go it alone, she is ultimately trying to eliminate the father. What gives
her the right to make that decision? It’s selfish, and I don’t see a
difference between these women and the 16-year-old who has a baby because
she wants someone to love her.”
However, when even eminent fertility expert points out that there is “a
shortage of men in their thirties and forties who seem capable of real
commitment”, what is a girl to do? Katya, for one, wouldn’t have it any
other way: “I’m looking forward to bringing up my baby alone. Much better
that than in a second-rate relationship,” she says. “And anyway, I’ve never
relied on anyone else for anything in my life, so why should I start now?”
As she marches down the street by herself, on her way to her next scan, the
inevitable question hanging over her isn’t how long she should have gone on
waiting for Mr Right, but whether she ever really wanted him in the first
place.
. . . And the man who tried it
By the time I got to my late thirties, I’d had several long relationships that
hadn’t resulted in marriage, and I became more and more concerned about my
ability to have a child with a wife or girlfriend. Although men don’t have a
traditional biological clock, we do have our own version of it, and I didn’t
want to be a father at 50. So I decided to go to a surrogacy agency (Circle,
in Boston). Most people’s reactions to my decision were positive, though
some questioned whether a man has the same nurturing emotions as a woman.
But you dismiss those people.
My son, Anthony, was born to a surrogate mother in Missouri on Boxing Day,
2003, and I took him home three days later. I took a couple of months off to
care for him, then he went to nursery and I went back to work — like
millions of other parents. I never really missed a woman being there,
because you can’t miss something you never had. I just concentrated on
bonding with my child. I didn’t start dating again straightaway, but when I
did, I found women were impressed and, in some cases, attracted to a man
capable of caring for a child on his own. Now I’m in a relationship, and
Anthony loves having a mum. My girlfriend and I also have a three-month-old
daughter, Catherine, and it’s wonderful. But before she came along, having a
child with someone just wasn’t on the horizon, and if it hadn’t happened,
I’d still have Anthony. If people out there are thinking about it as an
option, they should know it’s a very real one. You need a very supportive
family, employer and friends. But you need that if you are a woman, too.
Joe Kurtzer, 45
Robin from san Jose
And where´s the fun in that!
col, valencia,
Has postmodernity taught anything? universalised notions of men and women are a fallacy, not all women think like this neither do all men deserve it. I think this idea downright dehumanising... talk about a backlash eh..
Chrisanne, Dundee,
If men are going around giving their sperm to women who they are not marry to, they have no one but themselves to blame. Men, why don't you take it out before you ejaculate?
Robin, San Jose, USA
Poor kids in nursary full time from the age of 3 months - they might as well be in an orphanage. and just so their mum can have it all. As a woman whos been there and done it i know kids need a parent not childcare.
alfey, leicestershire, uk
The comments of some women here is truly frightening. Men beware.
Chris, Banbury,
I know of several cases where women lied about being on the pill and have later made the men they lied to pay maintenance for children they're not allowed to see.
Double standards by women, here.
Leon Wolfeson, Oxford, UK
Read these comments carefully guys, and don't forget them!Many women truly believe that a mutual agreement to dispense with condoms justifies forcing a man into parenthood against his will. Before you agree to give up the condoms, just remember how so many women here think.
Malcolm , London, UK
The shameless sophistry of many of the respondents is disappointing but predictable. To not use a condom represents a momentary lapse of judgement. To willfully entrap someone, excise them from decision making and then callously deprive a child in this way is obviously not comparable or justified.
James Thomas, Edinburgh, UK
There are worse things that happen, it can be done to snare the man into a relationship or to enable them to claim more benefits from the state. These women are not doing either so what is the problem?
Jo, Manchester, England
Men deserve to have their sperm robbed. It's their fault for not wanting to comit to fatherhoold. What do they want? They are never happy.
If I want to get pregnant one day I'm gonna do it.
Alice Needham, London, UK
So these women have babies without the consent of the father of the child. And by consent I mean marriage. That is what marriage is - consent to have children. Without that consent women have no right to steal sperm. Appalling.
SandraHowe, London, UK
Horrific. These kids are just a checked box to satisfy a ticking clock - it's like doing it for a council flat!
What's wrong with adoption or fostering if you have love to give?
Why deny the father the choice? What about the grandparents? And the child's feelings? 'Have it all'. What a sick joke.
Abbi, Guernsey,
I can't help but find the outrage of men that are concerned about being taken advantage of a little amusing. If these children are being conceived between either casual partners or short term partners why aren't the MEN exercising some judgement by using a condom?
Katie, Exeter, Devon,
Its simple - guys if you dont want to be a father - use a condom. Take some responsiblity for goodness sake instead of happily enjoying the goods and then blaming the woman for 'stealing'.
Ann, London, UK
I agree with Lisa. It is pure selfishness, a child has a right to both parents and to be able to own an identity. How cheaply some women treat life, babies are real live people who are not an option for a c.v., bravado or an inconvenience.
suzie coe, Milton Keynes,
My 18 year old son became a father after a 3 week fling. The mother is older than him and lied to him about using contraception. She wanted his baby because he is tall and goodlooking and good with kids....
PJ, Devon, UK
I am a 35 year old woman, and I have to say that I agree with every man who has written in here. I wouldn't trust a woman if I were a man, and unfortunately women have made it this way.
Dee, Stourbridge, Engladmn
It angers me when women do this. I was born in this way. My mum then became ill when I was 5, with no other family, I had to bring myself up. she died when I was 15, leaving me alone. I lived a terribly lonely childhood. Women who do this aren't thinking of the child, only themselves.
Lisa, Scarborough, North Yorkshire
This is treating children as possessions - like new cars, the latest tv or whatever, they are the latest addition to the 'I want it so I must have it' list.
I'm 30 and single, and I'd love to have children, but will only do so if I meet the right man to give them a loving, stable home.
SharrieG, Belfast,
If you're in a healthy relationship you won't be doing this, so not using a condom is an option. If you are not, and it is 'just sex' etc, you should be using condoms whether or not the woman is on the pill; it doesn't protect against STIs. So most men this happens to could have prevented it...
Claire, London,
Any man can easily avoid any of this by exercising active control of his sex life with contraceptives, available cheaply on the high street - a small investment of time and thought to avoid a lot of complication later. It's laziness, not tender trust, that sees men delegate birth control to women.
Alexa, London,
As long as men can do the same, fair enough.
Though it is a shame that developed society has come to this.
Howard, Manchester,
Two marriages,three children.40 year parallel association ,3 children.Desired by a married friend,already with a child.A privelidge for me.All graduates at good level.Regret I cannot know them,nor they know me.
Further association 4 years.1 child .Not asked or consulted.,abut a good level at uni .
John , Strathclyde, Scotland
We have a name for the action of a person who satisfies their reproductive instinct without the other person's consent. It begins with 'R'.
Dan, Brighton,
oooooo i guess the men don't like this one! Mean women, stealing sperm - yeah right. Surely it's better to become a single mother mindlessly than one by accident...
elemjay, london,
Unless these women are pricking holes in condoms, the sperm is freely given. Hardly the last taboo, given Times online is still featuring the slept with brother article.
Diana, Derby, uk
This is disgusting. Poor kid.
Tom, Cambridge,
Why shouldn't the father have a say on whether or not he has children?!
James, England,
I think it's typically self-serving of those women who do this..
It's one thing having the agreement of the father in the first place.
It's another thing altogether - and a disgraceful one at that - to use a man to become pregnant and having his child WITHOUT his knowledge or agreement.
William Tapley, London, UK
No wonder men are going off marriage. How sad and selfish - children are the chattel of women in the eyes of the law and society, and no one seems to think the worst of it.
Peter James, San Diego, CA, USA
my mum did this to my dad because she was fed up with his unfaithfulness and unreliability. i never saw or heard of him. i am happy and have a baby myself now, i live with his dad. my father wants to see me but i refused, it is easy to come back when the child has grown up and does not need help...
maud, london,
Any person considering INTENTIONALLY creating a child without the parenting involvement the other biological parent should listen to the views of Dan. The adult's short term self-congratulation/satisfaction will be at the cost of their child's future physical/emotional wellbeing. It's wrong!
Pauline, MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA
Why do women believe that it is some sort of right to have a child? It is a privilege, to use another human being as an unwilling participant in donating half of the DNA is shameful. Perhaps if males weren't marginalized as fathers, then this deceit wouldn't be a socially acceptable alternative.
Michael , New Orleans, USA
"It is quite nice having the odd Saturday off when Sam takes Maya out, but I really wouldn’t want him to have much more access than that, and I think it suits us both. She’s my daughter."
So Maya Isn't going to be allowed a close relationship with her father. She is a possession not a person.
Jude, London,
I think its a discrace that women are deceiving men in this way. What has happened to societies traditional and moral values of raising children???
Tim Package, London, uk
An unbelievable act of selfishness. These women are forcing another human to go through life without ever having a father, all to make themselves happy. Thinking about others clearly isn't something they do too often, which possibly sheds some light on why they can't find a permanent partner.
Jasper Reed-Spencer, London, England
No wonder men won't commit if women are so devious! Yes condoms are the solution but if your partner says she's on the pill it would be a cynical man who suspected her of lying. The message seems to be 'if you trust us you deserve to be duped'. "Man's world" nothing. Where are our rights?
David , London, UK
I think it's a great idea, most women over 30 want children, most men don't. I'm just very doubtful that Phil will be allowed to escape entirely the child he was tricked into fathering.
Ian Bannen, Oxford, UK