IN THE NAME OF ART

I have a dilemma. My girlfriend wants to make mad, passionate love to me under a fig tree in our front garden. My wife, however, is somewhat old-fashioned and our neighbours are very nosy andhave a clear view of said tree. I really want to please my girlfriend, but don’t want to upset anybody in the process. What on earth should I do?

DA, Liverpool

Tell everyone that you will be enacting the Book of Genesis in your front garden as part of European Live Theatre Week. You and your girlfriend will be Adam and Eve, so you will have to do quite a bit of cleaving unto her and becoming one flesh before sewing some fig leaves together to make an apron. Your wife, being old- fashioned, can stroll about “in the cool of the day”, being all divinely judgmental. As it will appear like a piece of avant-garde theatre, your neighbours will keep well away and you might qualify for an Arts Council subsidy; check on their website, artscouncil.org.uk.

VISITOR ATTRACTIONS

Could you explain why in Lichfield they receive busloads and busloads of tourists, but we don’t get any at all?

KR, Ockbrook

It’s all down to the inspired advertising campaign that the local council ran around the world: “Come to the Lichfield riviera for the finest beaches and most luxurious hotels. Go out on safari and watch herds of wildebeest sweeping across the prairie, or take a bracing mountain walk. Oh, and don’t miss the cathedral.” So naturally there are busloads of tourists, but generally they are puzzled and not a little disappointed to find themselves disembarking in a small town just north of Birmingham.

GREENER HOME

A friend of mine has had a solar hot-water system installed. He checks the temperature of the solar panels regularly and reports the readings, in degrees centigrade, to his family. He takes real pleasure in the thought of getting free hot water, and enjoys watching the fluctuations in temperature at different times of day and in different atmospheric conditions. However, his family no longer talk to him. What should I advise?

WS, Stratford

Announcing the temperature in fahrenheit should do the trick. If not, he’ll just have to recycle (and possibly downsize) his family. Swapping them for a Filipino model might be the best way forward as they don’t take up much space, are economical to run and generally don’t age as badly as the standard European issue.

A NIGHT TO REMEMBER

My husband and I are celebrating our silver wedding anniversary with a party for close friends and family. In view of the current tough economic conditions, we are going to provide the entertainment ourselves. Can you think of some suitably embarrassing party piece that will ensure our grown-up children remember this evening for ever?

MT, by e-mail

Yes, there is one thing that is guaranteed to send your children puce. If you feel that a live performance may be a little too demanding on your husband (nerves often lead to a letdown), then you can always video yourselves earlier in the week and simply screen the results.

Send problems to: Mrs Mills, The Sunday Times, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1ST, or mrs.mills@sunday-times.co.uk.

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