Toys for the boys

The gorgeous, witty woman who has shared my life and my bed for much longer than I could possibly deserve saw me secretively buying something in the lingerie department of a leading store. It just happened that that was the nearest available till and I was actually buying a remote-control helicopter for myself. What should I buy her for her imminent birthday before I confess to buying something so indicative of a midlife crisis?

BC, by e-mail

Giving her lingerie would neatly suggest to her the reason for your appearance in that department, but it probably wouldn’t help in preparing her for your confession that you want to start playing with toys. Try saying: “I’m having a midlife crisis and find myself caught between an overwhelming desire to dress up in ladies’ underwear or play with helicopters. Which should I do?” It’s most likely that she will tell you where to hover. Be warned, though: there is a slim chance she might warm to the idea of you slipping into something tight and lacy. But look on the bright side: in that case, your life could branch out into a whole new and exciting area.

Hobby hoarse

While having to use my husband’s laptop when my own was out of action, I inadvertently opened his secret e-mail account that he had left running by accident. I discovered he was meeting up with young women who were answering his adverts on an online dating agency. When I confronted him with this discovery, he was not the slightest bit perturbed and merely said that I shouldn’t worry about it as they mean nothing to him, they were only one-off dates with the occasional repeat. He said that this was just his hobby as he doesn’t like football or going to pubs. He said he won’t do it anymore. Should I trust him?

BJ, Chester

Obviously not. Anyway, your discovery of his secret was no accident, as any Freudian will instantly spot. He deliberately left the settings on his laptop arranged so that you would access his e-mail account (it is so simple, after all, to secure). He wants rid of you, but like most men is too spineless to confront the issue properly. Thus humiliated, he hopes you will slink away. Before you do, however, get back on his laptop and e-mail everyone in his address book advising them to have the full range of tests at the sexual health clinic.

Lodger complaint

As a result of your invaluable advice (Style, Sept 28) our daughter has left home. I would be grateful if you could let me know how much time we should allow to elapse before we advertise for a lodger for our daughter’s former bedroom.

BM, Liverpool

Advertise immediately, thus establishing that the use of the room is now on a commercial footing and that your daughter can expect to cough up every time she crashes out after a heavy Sunday lunch. Generally, lodgers are best avoided, unless you are anxious to spice up your sex life, and even then it is usually wise to check how your wife feels about it first.

Pull the other one

Does anyone else experience laughing orgasms? Or is it something unique to north of the border?

FB, Edinburgh

I can’t say that I have ever found anything that funny.

Send problems to: Mrs Mills, The Sunday Times, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1ST, or mrs.mills@sunday-times.co.uk. No correspondence can be entered into

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