Before recent showbusiness reports you'd never have dreamt that the phrase
“sexless marriage” might apply to Madonna and Guy Ritchie. After all,
Madonna's numerous reinventions have invariably depended on sexual themes
ranging from the kinky fetish girl to the restrained English rose ready to
be unfettered. And the tall, handsome Ritchie exudes rugged sexuality.
But last weekend a newspaper alleged that an 18-month sexual drought - and
Madonna's apparent gym-addiction - caused their relationship to crumble so
spectacularly.
“He got more and more frustrated as she spent nearly half the day working out.
Afterwards she'd be too tired to make love,” a source told a Sunday
newspaper. “Towards the end Guy wouldn't be there. He'd get fed up waiting
for her and go down the pub with his mates.”
The level of sexual activity in a relationship is a good barometer of its
health; at least where both partners consider themselves “sexual” people -
as opposed to the minority of couples who simply aren't bothered by impulses
that drive others between the sheets.
I'd guess both Madonna and Ritchie are in the former camp. But for couples
with, say, a volatile mix of high-achieving personalities, careers keeping
them apart, gruelling workout schedules, parenting, step-parenting and
adoption issues, it's obvious how tensions can mount. It's no surprise that
they are less likely to want sexual intimacy with the person they've come to
view as the enemy within.
In my 20-year experience as a psychologist, life coach and sex expert, I have
found that people within a relationship invariably use sexual activity - and
their sexual desire for their partner - as a way of measuring how much they
care for each other. The bedroom becomes a litmus test, be it a battleground
or an unspoken arena of seething resentment.
And with our increasingly frenetic modern lifestyles - our obsessions such as
exercise, long working hours, material success and lots of unhealthy
socialising - opportunities for resentments to fester abound. At some level
our sexual feelings are intact (which is why we get so hung-up, hurt, and
bitter over a lack of sex) and yet we have no sexual energy left for our
partners.
For my new book, Sizzling Sex, I spent three years gathering information from
more than 400 people and what I found was astounding: 90 per cent won't have
tried anything new sexually - not even the tiniest little thing - since
about their first anniversary. Plus, once they are past the two-year mark,
they are unlikely to ever try anything new.
I've come to call this the “two-year turn-off” because many partners start to
find their uninspiring sex life does just that. There's often little
motivation to have anything more than infrequent sex, which can cause
relationships to flounder.
Annie, a 36-year-old ward sister, had gone through the golden-honeymoon phase
with her partner Peter, 39, and slipped back into the old social life - the
nights out with her colleagues that she had loved before her relationship
became serious. After two years, Annie was happy with occasional,
not-too-demanding sex.
Peter, a teacher, became increasingly frustrated. He wanted to occasionally
experiment in bed and didn't feel that was too much to expect. He wondered
why his once “naughty nurse”, ready to slip into her day uniform for some
night-time excitement, had disappeared.
Also, as he was going through a bad time at work, he longed for the comfort
that good sex with Annie used to provide. On reaching crisis point, they
found a compromise that satisfied both their needs: she went out with
colleagues no more than twice a week and he tempted her with a few new
tricks in bed.
As their experience shows, sex can be hugely important to a relationship in a
number of ways. It can be exciting as well as sustain people during bad
times. It sets a relationship apart from something that's purely platonic
and can give a sense of security and intimacy. Importantly, it makes you
feel desirable and good about yourself.
Mark, 43, a research scientist, is satisfied with exactly the same sexual
routine every four or five weeks. All his extra energy goes into evening
classes leaving little for his wife of five years, 45-year-old Philippa. She
confided in me as a friend that after the first couple of years together
their sex life became lacklustre. Philippa admitted that they hadn't tried
anything new for a long time.
From my interviews, I told her frankly that she is in good - not necessarily
comfortable - company. For many couples, there seems to be a progression
from the honeymoon phase, where we let parts of our life - such as regular
gym workouts and excessive socialising - fall to one side so that we can
spend loads of time in bed with our new partner.
Then this sexually charged period calms down and people start picking up the
aspects of their life that fell away. According to my interviews with
countless clients, so many couples are unable to achieve a satisfactory
balance between these two poles.
So why only this brief window of sexual activity and then the inevitable
decline? Recent research into the biochemistry of attraction has found that
our ancient ancestors were procreating like mad during the first six to 12
months after meeting. They couldn't keep their hot (and probably hairy)
hands off each other. Usually a pregnancy would occur and sexual activity
would drop off for a period of child rearing.
That biochemical backdrop is still present in our sexual relationships today.
But we are more evolved than our ancestors socially and know full well that
we have control over and above our biology and that we have the freedom to
have sexual relationships that are equally about continuing pleasure, not
just procreation.
With so many couples in this situation the question surely is: just how
important is sex for a relationship? It is hugely important because of the
ripple effects when sexual initiative goes out of the window. This is always
complicated by people being resistant to talking about feelings that make
them vulnerable. On top of this, partners have different expectations and
it's easier to retreat into your own life rather than explore these.
If, though, you want to be in a satisfying, happy and sexually charged
relationship then you must give of your time, energy, and goodwill. Even if
you don't feel like sex on a particular evening, you should let your partner
know how much you love him or her and that you're happy to talk about things
rather than ignore them.
It takes only a little effort to freshen up your sex life, but most people,
who are pursuing so much outside the relationship, feel that it's all too
much and do nothing to keep it reasonably interesting. They know what's
happening, but they're so tired from juggling the many aspects of their
lives that they don't know where to start to change things.
I've written my new book with this in mind so that people can dip into it
occasionally and select a little sex tip to try. The premise being that you
don't have to swing from the proverbial chandeliers to liven things up.
Considering the pace of modern life, it's understandable that many break-ups
have their origins in a frenetic outside routine and a boring sexual
routine. If that happens to you then you and your partner have only
yourselves to blame.
Sizzling Sex: The Sex Doctor's 250 Hottest Tips, Tricks and Techniques by
Dr Pam Spurr is published by JR Books at £7.99. It is available from Times
BooksFirst for £7.59, free p&p, 0870 1608080, timesonline.co.uk/booksfirst
Fit for nothing
Lucy Mason, 28, is a PR executive, who became hooked on exercise:
“I was always active and kept fit throughout university, but after I left that
changed. I felt down so I saw my GP and he said that I should exercise more.
I joined a gym and discovered a new world. Exercise gave me a high and
became the focus of my life. Within eight months I was doing an hour of
cardio activity, an hour of weights or yoga and an hour of swimming a day.
Everyone, including my boyfriend, said how well I looked. But soon my body
rebelled. I was often knackered and rarely in the mood for sex. It felt like
an effort. I didn't enjoy it. Starting full-time work put paid to my gym
habit. My weight crept back to normal and my desire for sex returned. By
then, however, my boyfriend and I had split up.”
Peta Bee
