Forget about careful driving and wide-fitting shoes — life today is miles more
stimulating for baby-boomers. They’re healthier and happier and
longer-living than any of their predecessors and, having made it into their
sixties with their libido more or less intact, have no intention of going
slow in the bedroom. Helped by Viagra and a more relaxed, horizontal
approach to relationships and marriage, it seems that double chins, love
handles and bingo wings are no longer a turn-off. With children having flown
the nest and plenty of savings to splash out, 60 is suddenly sexy. Throw in
Joan Bakewell’s appointment as “tsar for the elderly”, Helen Mirren in a
red-hot bikini and Carmen Dell’Orefice still modelling at a glamorous 77,
you can see why Sagazoners — Saga Zone is a sort of Facebook for grown-ups —
are chatting so explicitly online. In fact, a recent survey by the website
found that two-thirds of men and women aged 60-64 said they were still
sexually active, with almost half of those getting between the sheets at
least once a week. It also buried a widely touted myth, with three-quarters
claiming that sex does not become more boring as you get older.
Pam, 63, is typical: “If I am honest — and I generally am — sex is just as
important to me now as it ever was, and, joy of joys, I can’t get pregnant!”
Joy agrees: “Even though we all grow older, it shouldn’t bar us from a bit
of rumpy-pumpy, should it?” Likewise Willy: “I would rather be on my own
than in a sexless marriage — frustration is a terrible thing.”
It is not only sex that the older generation is so wholeheartedly embracing —
they’re behaving in every way like born-again teens. Emma Soames, Saga
magazine’s editor-at-large, reports that during a Leonard Cohen concert in
the Albert Hall earlier this month, “when he sang, ‘If you want a doctor,
I’ll examine every inch of you’, there were audible yelps from the crowd.
He’s 74”, she says. “The myth that once you hit 60 your life is over is well
and truly dead. At this age, there is less pressure and it’s likely that you
feel more comfortable about your body.”
A spring chicken at 90, the writer Diana Athill concurs. “To me, 60
seems rather young,” she says with a dry chuckle. “I certainly enjoyed sex
in my seventies. Eventually I lost the urge, but I’ve known many others who
went on for a lot longer.” Famous for growing old disgracefully, she
detailed her colourful adventures in her recent autobiography, Somewhere
Towards the End, in which she writes about several affairs with married men,
including a ménage à trois. Suburban dinner parties between consenting
pensioners are also witnessing an increase in the use of soft W drugs. And
that’s not all. A London dentist reports how his wife began to feel
distinctly uncomfortable when, after plenty of wine and a few after-dinner
joints, an innocent-looking parlour game in the Cotswolds turned into a
full-on strip-fest. “The hostess, who was just into her sixties, couldn’t
wait to show off her new boob job and had her top off as fast as a bride’s
nightie,” says Robert, 57, whose wife, Jane, 52, had feigned illness and
gone to bed in a state of shock. “That left me, two other straight couples
and two gays. The boys whipped their trousers off straightaway, which was
pretty scary stuff. I’m not proud of my body — I don’t even expose that much
when I’m holiday — so I stayed up long enough to be polite, then joined Jane
in bed while I still had my boxers.”
Among older people, attitudes to misbehaviour are certainly changing. October
saw the publication of Groovy Old Men: A Spotter’s Guide, by Nick Baker, 56.
“It’s a state of mind,” he says. “They have a huge back catalogue of film,
music and style references and like to pick and choose — they love Amy
Winehouse and see her as the new Dusty Springfield.” Now these men have
“reached their sixties and they don’t give a shit”, says Baker, who counts
Bill Nighy, Bryan Ferry and Paul Smith among their number. “Not trying too
hard is the crux. If you are, then you’re definitely not a Groovy Old Man.”
For Baker, “there is no question that an older generation is in its
ascendancy and older men are able to enjoy themselves in the bedroom.
Because of Viagra, which looks after the mechanics, it’s now about choice.
Age no longer matters”.
It’s not all just good fun, however. Because older couples have no fear of
pregnancy and are of the pre-Aids, free-love generation, few give
unprotected sex a second thought. Thus the big fly in the ointment is
sexually transmitted infections, which have tripled in the over-65s in the
past six years. Some find that they have picked up something rather
unpleasant in their retirement.
So an increasing number of them can be found hiding behind their newspapers in
waiting rooms at STI clinics with the symptoms of chlamydia, syphilis and
genital warts. Syphilis has tripled among the over-65s and doubled in the
35-64 age group. Chlamydia has also risen, by 51% in 35- to 64-year-olds and
by 37% in over-65s.
Dr Eoghan MacSweeney is medical director at CityDoc, a private healthcare
service in London and Birmingham. “I saw someone over 60 this morning whose
lack of understanding was frightening,” he says. MacSweeney believes that
sex education should not merely be for the young. “Marriage is not the same
institution it once was, and older people have become more laissez faire
when it comes to relationships. Viagra is partly responsible, but there has
been a twist in sexual behaviour.”
Moreover, the resumption of youthful practices does not suit everyone. “Half
of \ prescriptions are not repeated,” says Val Sampson, a couples councillor
and author of Tantra: The Art of Mind-Blowing Sex. The initial thrill of the
pill may be great, but “what it doesn’t do is sort out relationships, and if
you’ve not had penetrative sex for a decade, resuming at the drop of a hat can
come as a shock. Mutual pleasure is so not about wham, bam, thank you
ma’am”.
Which, one might argue, is something they’re old enough to know.
What's sex really like when you're older?
Susan*, 61, is in a relationship with a man in his sixties "I was
married for a long time, but it wasn’t good sexually. Since it ended 16
years ago, I’ve been making up for lost time. At my age your inhibitions go
out the window — it’s great. I’m not worried about what people
think any more: I’m my own person. I enjoy sex now and need it more than
ever. My boyfriend has to use Viagra — sometimes it works, sometimes it
doesn’t. I do other things when he’s not around, too: thank God for
the Rabbit."
Agony aunt Irma Kurtz, 73, is single. "With age, sex becomes less
pressing — you might say more cuddly. Nature is no longer agitating for
reproduction and the competitive thrust among men especially has a — dare I
say — softer edge. Better than ever? No. Just the fruit of a different
season. Where love remains, the sex remains, too. But out and out cruising
for it and obsessing about it is for the young. For the first time, on
moving house recently, I bought a single bed. I have always believed it is
easier to give up those things we have enjoyed fully, so I do not miss sex.
Just as when I gave up smoking long ago, I found the day had more hours in
it."
Irma Kurtz’s new book, About Time: Growing Old Disgracefully (John Murray
£16.99), is published on March 5
Tom*, early seventies. Divorced 13 years ago, he has been dating since.
"We grew up in a much more repressed age. The sexual revolution passed
me by — I was busy trying to get on with my life and make money. Now, I
don’t think sex in your seventies is different from sex at any other age.
You hear people saying 50 is the new 30. When my grandmother was 60 she was
an old lady. Women my age today aren’t old ladies — they can be extremely
attractive. Dress and hair colouring have a great deal to do with it."
Wendy Salisbury, 62, has married and divorced twice, and has been
dating since her forties. "A couple of decades ago, if someone was
alone at 60, that would be it for them. But now single old people are dating
more than their children do. We all still want love, and the love of family
and friends is wonderful, but it’s not the same as romantic love. We embrace
sex, talk about it, think about it. Everything ages, except feelings. It’s
our children who are embarrassed, not us. Internet dating has made it
possible to keep dating — I meet men there and in the normal quarters of
life, such as estate agents or policemen. Sixty is a new lease of life."
Wendy Salisbury is the author of The Toyboy Diaries (Old Sreet £7.99)
Nick*, 66, has been dating for the past 30 years after his two
marriages broke down. "As you get older you become more confident about
yourself and learn to make the most of it. My last long-term relationship
was phenomenally active. We had sex every day — it was like being a
25-year-old. The woman I am dating now is five years younger than me, but
has a phenomenal figure and we make love every time we stay over together.
If I’m with someone I really want, I have no physical problems."
Michael*, 59, a widower, is about to marry a woman he met on Friends
Reunited. "When I was young, sex was a question of quantity rather than
quality. After marriage, it became routine, and, with the advent of
children, less frequent. The stresses of time, work, money and kids are not
conducive to a wonderful love life. Then there was my wife’s long illness
and no sex at all for years. After her death, I went onto Friends Reunited
Dating. I didn't expect to find a new partner, but, amazingly, that is what
happened. I think about sex more now than at any time since my teens and
early twenties."
* Names have been changed
Olivia Gordon
