I love all these bits, its like the crunchy bits after a roast, that everyone just can't keep picking at. I will add this,don't blame the list, it is just a safety/tool to help to sort the overwhelming amt of people out there and all the crazies in the mix. But figuring out what you want+need is key

Mandy, Minneapolis, US of A

Date me date me!!
I think column from the single man in his 40's would balance this nicely, as I am struggling to meet the said Lady!
It gets tougher, as you move on, but I find the fact Ii have NO divorce or kids as 'baggage' actually counts against me!
You can't borrow a woman, to meet one can you

John Wakfer , Staines, United Kingdom

Yes, Alan. Of course. Mail order is the answer.

My Sister-in-Law came from Thailand; she was incredibly young and could not speak English. Strangely, some years after having a child, she got a divorce.

Be prepared.

Ross, Newport, UK

"And then....that thing single women forget to do. Set about making him like me (as opposed to wait for him to prove to me that he was worth the trouble). "
Never were truer words said (similar for much more in this article).
AKA - "Say hi - give the sap a chance!"
Any offers? (Nice guy seeks..?)

Joseph White, Loughborough, LEICESTERSHIRE

yes Karen from London, Im sure you will get over it. happily for me I do not have to listen to the nagging of a frustrated size 12 wife and how she is unappreciated in her job and how she feels her life is going nowhere which is why she gets drunk every week, yes english women are great NOT.

Alan Warrener, Fulham, UK

I do hope Paul from Carlow isn't the one I met a few years ago - very dangerous

Miranda, Stone, England

well said Julia, Bucks, UK.
How to meet a man if you are over 40? Get wider social circles, treat everyone (including men) with respect, try not to emulate what you see on TV as most programmes and adverts seem to belittle men, smile, don't be demanding and don't be a money grabber.

john Davies, London,

Alan, yes millions of women in the UK are weeping with such sorrow that such an intelligent, attractive man as yourself, obviously choosing with great care to reject the women you must be fighting off in favour of the more natural and personal internet market, is now spoken for. We'll get over it.

Karen, London, United Kingdom

The posters from Bangkok always sound like such lovely men. What a terrible shame for British women that they've left the country. I'm sure they were all regarded as such "catches" in the UK.

J. McW, Farnham, Surrey

What puts me off in a man: He picks his teeth! He tries to control. He wears a beard or moustache. He wears socks with his sandals - yikes! He prefers plastic to leather. He counts every penny on the bill. He never asks a woman for her opinion. He laughs at his own jokes. He is smug. He never listen

Ann, FL, USA. ,

I decided to get myself one of those internet mail order wives from Eastern Europe, and what a blinder she turned out to be, 24 years old ( Im 49) Alabaster body, michelin Chef in the kitchen , whore in the bedroom, speaks 4 languages, loves children and never wants to work, it doesnt get any better

Alan Warrener, Fulham, UK

Bald. An anorak-wearing geek, a bit awkward, but over my garden gate all I saw was his warm smile. He flew from London to NYC to meet me. We were married last April. He has money, a huge house and land in Bucks, and a large beach house in France. But I would live with him in a bedsit in Luton.

Julia, Bucks, UK

Very interesting advice, I hope I can be more charming that help me find the right men.

caddie, Xiamen , China

Have you ever attended weddings as a single woman and have guys come up to you to ask: What are you waiting for?" I had no banner stating that i want to get married nor was I standing at a bus stop!Life is like a mirage the more you want something the less realistic achieving it is! Good advice.

Rosemarie, Georgetown, Guyana, South America

Paul from Carlow (and I suspect you are a distant cousin), I wish you were here to tell a few of my friends to tear up their lists and mulch the garden with them. Good advice.

Ally, Melbourne, Australia

Oh so true and very funny. I met the man - eventually - after lots of window shopping and eventually throwing away my shopping list. I'm very happy now I've met the One who is funny, intelligent and can dance like a demon - even though he has Louis Vuitton loads of baggage - but nothing's perfect!

odette brightmore, nottingham, Uk

funny and true ......... We all make checklists one way or another. Sad thing is that the openess ( or gullibility) we had as teens and twenty somethings is largely gone later in life .We become harder shelled . Dont know the answer to this puzzle of mid life dating.

david, oxford, uk

Heaven help us - get a life and live it!.

Sounds like being single is a curse - instead it's fantastic.

hb, cheshire, uk

Some insightful stuff here, one in particular hit the spot, for me anyway and i've been married for 25 years. Dead right on "make him responsible for you" nice guys are suckers for that, its how they were brought up - and its also a test if he takes on the responsibility, it has to be a good sign.

colin Thompson, St Helier, United Kingdom

An absolutely brilliant essay for either side of the ocean, and one both sexes would do well to consider. Not so strangely, the men who denigrate it (& some of the women), just prove why they are single. A relationship is a two-way street, & it is best to have a starting point before negotiating.

Bob Evans, Hackney,

I am on a weight loss to reach my BMI, but there is a competition involved and that is when I get picked up at the supermarket I win the competition. I just have to keep lossing weight and working out at the gym etc. When is the best time to go to get picked up! - i am over 40

Colin, Scarborough, Qld, Australia

This was delicious, I laughed so hard, tears and all, as a recently separated heading for divorce at 47, this made my day, and reading all sorts of comments. Do what you want to! Life is to short, specially for us 40+ and laugh about it if it backfires, just be safe!!!

Nancy, Tallahassee, FL, USA

My sides hurt. I'm wondering if an expensive seaweed wrap is a posh vegetarian snack. 'Make him shave off his goatee' = the beginning of the end. When will women of any age learn? Get out there, Sally. He exists.

Andy, Longfield, UK

Strange there are more men than women in Aberdeen - it appears to be the absolute opposite in Nottingham. I enjoyed the article and the comments. It's a shame that many of us are so tied up with work/ single parenting etc nowadays; there seem to be fewer opportunities to meet people naturally.

Char, Nottinghamshire, UK

I have just read "the list" and all the comments - now I feel even more depressed! I am over 40 and looking for a relationship - been single for a while. I do not care what clothes are worn, or shoes, or how they dance, I care that they are kind, considerate, happy and that we connect - how's that

Sally, Salisbury, UK

Jenny from Cheshire - if you are on a date with someone and you don't fancy them, then just say so. Perhaps you could make yourself so irresistable that he could do nothing but fancy you, and in that way his attention may allure you?

john davies, birmingham,

Gee, that's all I heard when I lived in the UK 10 years ago. Then I moved to Bangkok and started sleeping with 20 year olds who had no demands at all. Respect for them bred respect in me. Hmmm, should I go back?

David P Hall, Bangkok, Thailand

God, there are some sad deluded slappers out there.
Girls,( any of you still qualify for that descr. ?) , just ask yourself what you are giving to a man to make it worth his while to spend more than 10sec in your company ?
You wanted feminism, and you've got it, so lie back and enjoy it !
Alone !

Ars, Bangkok, Thailand

Men keep complaining that women never respond to their messages - please could the men who read this advise what we should say to you when we don't really find you attractive. i am not being mean by saying this, but i really don't know what to say to them.

jenny, cheshire, uk

Really enjoyed the article. I only have the 'not being married to some-one else ' on my list. Unfortunately, all the men that have shown any sexual interest in me in the last ten years have failed that one. Maybe I fail most men's number one requirement - not being smarter than them?

Rachel, Manchester, UK

Funny how, as a middle-aged single batchelor, I have difficulty dating women - until they find I have a seven-figure sum in my bank account.

Howie, Manchester,

The notion that I should change myself in order to satisfy some checklist and to compete with other men on that basis is laughable. My personality, sense of humour, taste etc have evolved since birth making me the man I want to be. I'll stay single rather than change any of them.

Frank Hegarty, Farnborough, UK

That's rubbish about hoodies. Started wearing one when I was young, why should I stop now?

Matt, Brighton, UK

That was fun. Some of it's true & some of it doesn't matter at all. I'm well over 40, divorced & from my experience what really matters is chemistry, no matter what the attraction; a sense of humor, equal intelligence, and common spirituality. And you can't look for love, it just has to happen.

Suzy, Metropolitan DC, US

I abandoned any chance at meeting Miss right when I turned 50 after our divorce. Have as many casual affairs as possible and then run was my doctrine.
But I met a lady at a church function who turned this around. An older widow and a victim of cancer who stole my heart.

Georgio DeLaVenicio, Rome, Italy

I think its all about looks and confidence, I don't need your tips, as a single woman, I can still have any man I want, but... I just don't want one. I think that's where the attraction is.

Josephine, London, UK

Helen - you've missed the point, although I agree with the no list bit.

But where does it say that people over 40 looking for love are doing it because "everyone else says you should". Nowhere.

I'm 40 and single and I want to give love and be loved. Because I have that desire, it's that simple.

Catherine, London, United Kingdom

I have never understood people who run their lives using lists! What happened to spontaneity and taking a chance? Lighten up people! If you're single at 40 so what? If you're married at 40 so what? Neither is better. Live your own life not the one everyone else says you should!

Helen, London,

When you are looking for a partner for life, look for the right soul not the right clothes or hair style. Otherwise you are just a nicely wrapped up piece of meat after the best looking client who will buy you, eat you and excrete you even before he gets hungry again. Good luck.

wiesia, Warsaw, Poland

Many women (and maybe men- I haven't looked) in their 30s on dating sites write a long list of their achievements and intimidating fitness regime followed by a shopping list of what they want in their partner, rather than work out what they could offer to or share with a partner.

Dan, Oxford, England

Catherine, London. Great advice, but if you're so in demand why on earth are you single, let alone dating on the net? Try getting off your high horse and things might change.

Doug Bates, St. Alans,

Keith, New York City, USA - with an attitude like yours I doubt any Western woman would want you!

Franziska, London,

Don't worry about the fleecy thing. The only reason a man has one is so that his woman can wear it when she misses him. It's warmer than hers and it smells of him. Aaaaaaaah, sweet!

Ali, Basingstoke, UK

Terrence, London- So true. An American colleague spurned a man due to his 2ndhand Landrover & "vile wax jacket", as he must be unamibitious & poor, and below her. I asked if he had a Labrador. Surprised, she said yes.
She was unamused to be informed she'd probably just rejected a peer of the realm.

Lizzie, London,

The most important thing you can do is - be of child-bearing age, that is between 15 and 35. Beyond that, you'll have to go for a man who already has children and just wants companionship.

Frank Crawford, New Haven Connecticut, USA

How about not bothering with men anymore and meeting a woman instead?

Worked for us.

Ross, Lancaster, UK

I agree with your distaste for the term, “grooming”: it makes me think of monkeys eating fleas. I think that Goths can be sexy but probably not if they’re over forty.
I have always been too dim to tell when a woman was flirting with me but these days, taking middle age, ginger credentials and general appearance into account, they’re probably not. Is a curled lip a form of flirting?

Ray, Chorley, UK

I once heard an American lady say "One night, I met this guy, he was really cute, really funny and I really really liked him. Then, I looked down at his shoes. They were multicoloured, like yacht shoes or something. That really ruined it for me, Id never date someone who wore shoes like that."

Terrence, London, UK

How about having high standards well before you are 40 for yourself? I'm 26, and that is something I completely lacked. Knowing that a man who wants to sleep with you, just wants to sleep with you and not commit is something else important for women to know.

Anna, Yorkton,

Isn't Shane a man's name?

Alan Ladd, Laredo, US

As a guy in his thirties, who has witnessed what this writer is talking about, perfectly lovely single women friends ruining their love lives because of checklists, I would say, ladies, you need to listen to this woman, she knows what she is talking about. Also, remember girls, men are people too!

paul , Carlow, Ireland

I'm confused. Why is it a good thing if a man is 'smarter' than I am? To pander to his ego? I'd rather not have a man who needs that kind of ego-boost, thank you.

Stacey, London,

The best way to meet Mr or Mrs Right is just to stop looking for them. Sure, go out and be sociable and meet new people, but don't keep eyeing up every new person of the opposite sex who may or may not be the person for you. Just enjoy meeting people and being with people. Worked for me!

Clare, Nottingham,

It seems there's a fundamental misalignment in what women think men think about them, and vice versa. Both sexes then react against that perception and make assumptions of where the other is coming from and go away with a false view and take that into the next relationship. Clear the preconceptions.

Laura Roberts, London, UK

Obviously much toung-in-cheek. Well I hope so. Fleeces - what's wrong with fleeces? What if the 'right' guy wears fleeces? But if you're at all serious then I guess you will meet up with someone like yourself. That can only be good for the rest of us.

denis, belfast, uk

Western women have priced themselves out of the market and the good and wise western men now know where to find the best women - and it is not in North America or Western Europe. You prima donnas really think you are something but you are over-priced, fat bores and huge headaches.

Keith, New York City, USA

I would like to give some advice to men who are internet dating:

Sending a two line message which says "Hi, liked your profile, thought I'd drop you a line. Have a look at mine, if you like it, get in touch." is absolutely mind-numbingly boring and uninspiring.

I get 5 of these a day. Stop it!!!!

Catherine, London, UK

'Must be smarter than you, or at least as smart.' --Have had this on my list since day one!

'Must be able to make you laugh in all situations, including when you get to the airport and discover he has no passport.' --I forgot mine once, and my bf was brilliant about it.

Fun article, even for <40s!

Alyssa, Edinburgh,

My personal ad at age 40+ set parameters <10 years older than me, not overweight, < foot taller than me, and <50 miles away. The guy I fell in love with and married at age 46 is 10 years + 1 month older than me, ~30 lb overweight, more than a foot taller, and lived 1000 miles away when we met. :-)

GVM, Maryland, USA

Excellent advice from David J, men are a bit dim and you have to make it obvious, my husband teases me that I flirted outrageously with him when we met but he is very glad I did! Being shy and coy does not make you attractive. Light-hearted is a nice mantra.

Julianna, Dubai,

The best way of meeting new people (i've tried internet dating) I have found was on holidays for single travellers. Last year (and already planned again this year) I went to the Mistral in Crete - brilliant - and the Ship Inn, Kyrenia, Northern Cyprus. Still in touch regularly with 15 people I met.

Kevin Brookes, Hove, UK

Wonderful advice! Tested and proven! I hope it works on my side of the Atlantic too. Perhaps I should move? And David, I will take your advice on flirting too, and overdo it in case the gentleman in question is feeling a bit dim.

Janet, Olympia, USA

Actually not a bad video blog. I thought it was going to be a feminist pushing agenda. I have been looking for someone my own age (40) for some times but I cant find one. I think its my location in Aberdeen where there are far more men than women. I know many single men who cant find anyone.

Robert, Aberdeen, UK

Its good but if you have to pretend to be someone else to get the man you want perhaps the person you really are is what you should be working on ? Otherwise 6 months in when the real you comes out its all over anyway. Or just be happy being single.

Michael, Singapore,

Absolutely hilarious - brilliant.

Helen, UK,

God I'd love to have met you single.

James, Tring,

Some goodish advice here, especially the bit about overdoing the flirtation. Speaking personally, I rarely have the faintest idea a girl's hitting on me until hours, days, eons later. Never underestimate a man's ability to be dim!

David J, Brill, UK

From what I can see, women meet men all the time ... but reject them. It seems that as long as there's the idea that another/better one will be along shortly, it's OK to keep shopping. As this plays out month after month, year after year, the end result is that no one gets anyone. Bummer.

Barry, La Jolla, USA

Here's advice from a different perspective, ladies: be someone we'd like to be with. Be interested, funny, humble, accessible, and intelligent. Dress and look like you care about your appearance, and *don't* be ready to jump into bed. We're looking for women of great value. Is that you?

Barry, La Jolla, USA

What are you talking about Anil? Business like in the modern world? Why take all the fun out of it?

Rita, London,

stop this rubbish. if you want it just tell hi. he can either agree or decline. no fuss. businesslike is the thing in this modern world. no time to waste or worry.

Anil K gayan, Curepipe, Mauritius