John Harlow and Brendan Montague
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SCIENTISTS have discovered true love. Brain scans have proved that a small number of couples can respond with as much passion after 20 years as most people exhibit only in the first flush of love.
The findings overturn the conventional view that love and sexual desire peak at the start of a relationship and then decline as the years pass.
A team from Stony Brook University in New York scanned the brains of couples who had been together for 20 years and compared them with those of new lovers. They found that about one in 10 of the mature couples exhibited the same chemical reactions when shown photographs of their loved ones as people commonly do in the early stages of a relationship.
Previous research suggested that the first stages of romantic love, a rollercoaster ride of mood swings and obsessions that psychologists call limerence, start to fade within 15 months. After 10 years the chemical tide has ebbed away.
The scans of some of the long-term couples, however, revealed that elements of limerence mature, enabling them to enjoy what a new report calls “intensive companionship and sexual liveliness”.
The researchers nicknamed the couples “swans” because they have similar mental “love maps” to animals that mate for life such as swans, voles and grey foxes.
The reactions of the swans to pictures of their beloved were identified on MRI brain scans as a burst of pleasure-producing dopamine more commonly seen in couples who are gripped in the first flush of lust.
“The findings go against the traditional view of romance – that it drops off sharply in the first decade – but we are sure it’s real,” said Arthur Aron, a psychologist at Stony Brook.
Previous research had laid out the “fracture points” in relationships as 12-15 months, three years and the infamous seven-year itch.
Aron said when he first interviewed people claiming they were still in love after an average of 21 years he thought they were fooling themselves: “But this is what the brain scans tell us and people can’t fake that.”
One pair of Aron’s swans are Billy and Michelle Jordon who, 18 years after they met, still make their friends envious. The couple, who live in Newport Beach, California, hold hands all the time. “It comes very naturally,” said Michelle, 59.
Lisa Baber, 40, and her husband David, 46, from Bristol, say they still feel the same frisson as when they got together 17 years ago.
“He was crazy and so exciting, he whisked me off my feet,” said Lisa. “That excitement is very much alive. We make sure our lives are always changing.”
Other couples who have kept their passion include Tony and Cherie Blair and Michael and Shakira Caine. Michael Howard, the former Tory leader, and his wife Sandra have been together for more than 30 years.
Aron said he and his wife Elaine, both 64, have a strong relationship but were a little jealous of the swans. “Their relationships are intense and sexually active, too, without many of the downsides of first love,” he said last week.
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I love my husband now more than when we first got together. I would hope after years of being together your love gets more involved, intense, mature. With our experiences and our children (which in OUR relationship no way dampened anything) we grew even closer and more in tune with eachother!!!
Julie, Fort Wainwright, USA
Just don't have children if you want to stay in love with your partner becasue two's company, three's a crowd. There's no time for intimacy, and there' s mental list of debits and credits over childcare which create resentment. You also end up loving your children more than your husband!
Gina, Lancaster, UK
I met my husband at 21 and married him at 25. 16 years of marriage and 3 children later our sex life is hot, hot, hot. I love him more now then I did when I said I do. "Grow old with me the best is yet to be." Life is short... enjoy every moment. Don't fight over money. You can't take it with u.
Evie, Stroudsburg, USA
Did anyone happen to notice if the brainwaves of these swanning couples measured significant chemical reactions to EVERYTHING they were shown pictures of, or just their spouses?
Catherine , Seattle, USA
hmm... 12-15 months? i guess my boyfriend and i have passed that mark, everyone said that we wouldn't stay together bcuz we were so young and we both had never had a relationship b4, well, i guess this proves that it CAN be done!
Kaitlyn, Marietta, USA
I would bet that these couples lived in the same area all their lives, same house, same job, same friends, same everything else. Life is about experiences, development and change. When they develop a device that can quantify love then this will be interesting.
Max, Kahala,
I hope we could have such fantastic marriage for a life long time.. Just like the magic works~~
Frances, Wenzhou , China
This is, perhaps, the most depressing article I have ever read. Don't forget that Swans may be beautiful, but they are nasty creatures that hiss and bite.
Blair, New York City,
The brain scans are measuring sustainable energy between people. Synchronous wavelengths multiply in intensity. Can self-sustaining energy be put in a pill? Is it something you take? Or something that returns when it gives?
Irene, Chico, USA
True "swan" marriages (like the one I enjoy with my wife of over 20 years) seem to be the bonding of two egos that become one single id. The two souls (or auras, or whatever you wanna call it) become one. You don't need to say or hear a word to know what the other is thinking.
Laet Oliveira, Sao Paulo, Brazil
My husband and I have been married 34 years. We are still very much in love. We have never been apart or had affairs. No man has ever appealed to me like my husband, I think he is still the sexiest man I have ever met. Brain cancer now is taking him and I honestly don't think I can live without him.
Kathy, Meyersdale, USA
We have been married 30 years , it hasnt always been smooth and we have overcome our difficulties together even though they have often been challenging. We love each others company even though we can still have a good arguement. I am amazed that thirty years doesnt feel a long time at all.
shauna estrada, Kingston upon-Thames,
That's nice, you crazy kids...but I'd dearly love to see this study's findings cross-referenced with data on how much sleep these couples get. Even the most lovey-dovey people I know are crabby as heck when their babies are waking up screaming at 1:30 in the morning day in and day out.
Brian, Tivoli, USA (New York)
My husband sent me the article to read - one of our daughters had terrible trouble recently trying to prove to friends that her parents were still in love after 28 years - their cynicism merely produced such remarks as "your father is probably unfaithful but your mother doesn't want to admit it!"
Barbara, Paris, France
I had a relationship for 21 years, no sex for 9 years and married for a year. Now I have met up with my previous partner of 22 years ago. I still love her and she me. I am getting divorced. Is this rebound or the above theory as we have known each other for so long?
Mike, London, UK
We've been married for 14 years, we've been together for 18. Our relationship is better now than it was then. It has grown, evolved and matured.... and I like knowing that all it takes to get him going is me walking around the house in my pjs. I didn't know we were that unique.
Danielle, Dallas, USA
We've been married 27 years and it's better than ever! We're definitely swans. We were meant for each other and we realized it as the years went by and we got closer and closer. We still give each other goosebumps.
Luisa, Chicago, USA
I was 22 when I started a relationship w/a man 23y older. It was an extremely intense mental, emotional, sexual connection. After 9 years together, the love/sexual feeling was the same and mutual. I knew I would love this man until his teethless 90s. We're no longer together but that was TRUE LOVE.
Sophia, London, UK
Eight years in and - believe it or not - a whole lot more in love with him than I was even when we first met. True love isn't without its glitches, but if you choose a good match for yourself (the best is seldom the most convenient) and you have the strength to stand by your choices, you'll be fine.
Lara Call, Atlanta, USA
I've only been with my boyfriend for about a year, but we've been best friends for ten years. I am thinking that the excitement will last for a very long time, seeing as how we spent about ten years being very close friends who were quite aware of the sexual/romantic tension between us.
trista, St. Louis, USA
Having kids puts a dampener on things
Richard, Bexhill, UK
After 42 years my heart still flips when I hear his key in the door or his voice, unexpected, on the 'phone...... he says that the feelings are mutual, magical, that we were so fortunate to find each other. Sure we have had our rows over the years but making-up !!!!!!!!!!!!
Jackie, Boncath, Wales
My parents have been married for 48 years and are still embarrassing to be around. I think it's lovely!
Lorna, Birmingham, UK
I didn't quite care for my spouse when we first met, and to this day I have yet to care for her very much. I never knew this was true love. Good to know.
Tom, San Francisco, USA
My parents are like that. 34 years in June. That is what I want when I marry.
Rose, Calfornia, USA
18years into our marriage I feel the same way as when I first layed my eyes on her, I don't know about her now she is 40yrs plus.
Joseph , London, England
When I first saw her, I knew she was the one. I told her I would marry her after 4 days, then married her 2 months later. Its been 19 years and our friends still tease us for always holding hands, hugging and occasional kissed in public. Yes, there really is such thing as true love.
Tony, Milpitas, USA
Despite this new "science" that details the secret to my relationship with my wife, after 24 years of marriage, I want to believe our continuing strong desire for each other is the stuff of "magic.!"
Maxwell, Des Moines,
26 years last Oct and we are still very much in love. We both keep ourselves very fit and very active, physically and sexually. We never had kids to distract ourselves from one another. We are best friends and soulmates. We have many envious friends whom don't have the same passion in their lives.
William, Cape Coral, USA
I think I have this already, and he's my high school sweetheart. I still feel the same way about him now as I did on our first date.
Colette, Humbolt, USA
What if people meet their "love map" partner after they are married? How moral is it to continue such marriages, if it deprives the world of the good works love produces -- all the people it affects? Brain scans show the interconnectedness of people's energy. People call this spiritual power.
Irene, Chico, usa
OK... but just because you don't get the same butterflies you once did, doesn't mean you don't love each other.
Maybe my stomach doesn't flip over like it used when my wife walks into the room. But I certainly do love her - and probably now more than ever.
MalcolmL, London, UK
I proposed after 3 days and we married after 3 months. Eleven years later things are the same as the start. Terrific for both of us. She gets goose bumps when we kiss and I get butterflies in my stomach when I see her picture. But I only met two other couples the same. No one else comes near
Pete davies, Hanoi, Vietnam
23 years soon, yep, love him more than ever!
Su, Lincs, UK
After 42 yrs together - and learning our faults ad nauseam - it will take a very strong drug to restore all those feelings of overwhelming love! We keep fit and are still good with each other in bed, tho', and this has to be a major element in preserving our marriage..and lovely grandchildren!
Peter, Totnes, England
How wonderful. i hope i get that.
tracey, sydney, australia
The secret may lie in the openness of the relationship, free of constraints such as jealousy, insecurity, and above all, that poisonous feeling of ownership.
osman, İstanbul, Turkey
ahhhhh, I am envious. I would love that. I know it's true and that it does happen. Just relatively rare?
alex, Manchester,
Forty years this year, and it still works for me.
Mike, Cambridge, UK
I hope they do find a way to "bottle" that chemical. At 30+ years, I think he's a nice guy, but no way am I thrilled and excited to be around him. And in a lot of ways, I'm glad to have lost those feelings, most times. But to have the upside without all the worries and jealousies ... maybe.
Miranda, Los Angeles, USA
Mmmm....... I know that feeling.
vic brown, Norwich, Norfolk
I beg to differ "After 10 years the chemical tide has ebbed away." ... I still get butterflies when I see my boyfriend and we've been together for more than 10 years. Oh, and it's mutual.
Franziska, Sevenoaks,
£20 says they'll one day offer a drug to introduce love back into a relationship ;-)
Kazuki, Tokyo, Japan