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You've had a miserable day at work and your professional future looks uncertain. The mortgage payments are scary and Christmas has maxed out your credit cards. What's next? You don't know but you don't like the look of it. So you come home, shout at your partner, drink a bottle of wine and watch your children soak up your anxiety.

I'm a parent and I don't want to present myself as some sort of perfect guru. I'm as flawed as everyone else. But I do know that it's possible to get through an economic crisis such as the one that confronts us now without damaging the relationships that you value most.

The key is to recognise that just as the circumstances around us have changed, so we must adopt some new values. The message of the past 20 years was to focus on ourselves, but that doesn't wash when we face adversity.

To live healthily - and to survive - we need to focus on “we” not “me”. Instead of thinking about self-esteem, think about what you generate, what you contribute

to others. What you think and what you feel matter, but it's what you do that makes a difference. The smallest gestures can begin to warm up a frozen, resentful relationship - a cup of tea, clearing up the kitchen after a meal, tidying a neglected garden - and they break you out of self-centred thinking. A cuddle and a few caring words mean more than a grandiose gesture that doesn't make a connection. Never mind what your partner did for you. What did you do for them?

If you start to think small and meaningful, you'll realise that the filter of the past two decades set a bad model for relationships. That flash, brash, look-at-me mentality encouraged us to think that our value depended on some sort of external validation - a big car, an expensive house. Although the current mood brings with it all the baggage of anxiety about jobs and money, it encourages us to focus on what matters now - and that's healthy.

So what if we re-evaluate what we can afford and perhaps downgrade? I once had a Vauxhall Astra I bought for £50 and I discovered I was invisible in it - it didn't define me at all. What does define you is how you think and how you act towards other people. So if you lose your home and have to rent for a while, you're showing that you're a survivor, that you have the resilience to get through this recession, that you're doing the best for your family. That's the stuff that can underpin a good relationship. It's time to stop comparing yourself with other people; comparisons can be corrosive.

Instead of thinking about what you haven't got, focus on what you have got. I think of my son's smile, a kind look from my wife. It reminds me of how important it is to communicate, to find time to talk and to listen. You don't have to agree with everything partners say, but it's vital to understand their experience. Remember what it was like when you first met, what you liked about them. They're still the same people, but many things have happened since and resentments have blocked out the light. If you can see the essence of the relationships that matter most, you'll realise that many of the things that we worry about aren't important.

Interview by Penny Wark

Accentuate the positive

Make a list of the resentments that you carry around with you - the things that you dislike about your partner, your children, your job. The point that you have reached in your life. Then recognise how you have contributed to each of them. What you're doing is writing down what's really going on and, instead of denying your own responsibility for the imperfections in your life, you can begin to process your resentments and find a way to move beyond them.

Next, make a list of the things that you're glad to have, that you can enjoy today. If you have good health, start with that; think of a person who believes in you and supports you. If you've got enough to eat and a roof over your head, you'll start to find that a half-full feeling replaces the half-empty sensation that you had before and this will have a powerful effect on changing your outlook and making it more positive.

Instead of looking for what is wrong, look at what is right. Change the current from negative to positive and you'll start to notice the child who radiates enthusiasm, the quiet but caring gestures that your partner makes towards you, the view from a window, the stark beauty of a winter garden, the spring bulbs that are already budding out of the ground.

Fixing up your future
We may have been conditioned into appreciating only the grand expensive gesture, but small acts of kindness can mean more. Fix something in the house without telling your partner. Go on, do it now.

Tomorrow: How to survive the cull in your workplace

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