What is it with women who seem to have a self-destruct button fitted from the moment they start having relationships? An acquaintance of mine, Kate, 43, is seeing - seriously - a nice, mild-mannered man whom she apparently loves.

Kate confessed that every few months, when they have a disagreement, she throws a hissy fit to “keep Jonathan on his toes”. She claims that usually she discusses things calmly as they arise. That approach suits his mild-mannered nature, as he hates rowing.

But Kate described an overwhelming urge to get stroppy on occasion. She feels compelled to “shake things up” despite the fact that it upsets Jonathan. I think this is an unhealthy strategy and that her occasional sabotage is more about her hitting a self-destruct button than shaking things up.

At some level, Kate is testing his commitment to their relationship. It's her way of making sure that he really cares. In reality it's a perverse way to prove that you're wanted but I find that lots of women press the self-destruct button to get this confirmation at some level - his anger, his pleading, his hurt - from their partner.

Of course it's liable to backfire, and the person she hopes will ride with her behaviour decides that it's not worth all the hassle after all. Where does it come from? Usually from complicated feelings of wanting desperately to be loved but feeling unworthy of it. The person gets almost angry that her partner seems to love her. “Love me? Well, let's just test that,” the thinking goes. Meanwhile, the partner is thinking that he'd do anything for a simple life, with a loving relationship in which no one reaches for that dreaded button.

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