Without meaning to sound like a sex maniac (any man reading this who has dated me and thinks I am one, I am not, it was only with you), I’m not sure I have ever been out with anybody with a higher sexual appetite than mine. That isn’t to say that I want it every way and sideways at regular intervals throughout the day, but

I am definitely doing it much less than I am capable of or, indeed, wanting to. I am a 29-year-old woman who has had three long-term relationships and many more, less significant ones, and the feeling of sexual rejection has played a small part in nearly all of them.

I currently find myself in something verging on serious with a 44-year-old man, and although our sex life goes well beyond the call of duty, I could still happily take more. A recent discussion with friends proved I’m not alone, and also suggested that because a man’s “no” is usually his final answer, the fear of rejection causes many women not to ask for sex in the first place.

My new beau and I often discuss how a good sex life is sometimes based on satisfying your partner when you might not be in the mood yourself. But, in practice, this is more complicated to play out. When a man wants it and a woman doesn’t mind doing it, but would rather do her nails, it is easier for her to play her part for him and have her reluctance go pretty much unnoticed. But when a man is doing his lady a favour, his lack of genuine interest is, of course, much easier to spot. His rejection floods the female brain, she scooches over to the other side of the bed in a huffing strop and hardly sleeps a wink as she convinces herself that — despite the heavy meal, three glasses of wine too many and previous conversation about sexual give and take — he doesn’t want her any more or find her sexy.

Men supposedly have higher sex drives than women, but because women are often more stimulated by love, in a relationship they can easily become rampant. Not having that rampancy met by your man is catastrophic for the female ego. Because sex is generally more available to women, we are not so well-equipped to deal with being told “no”.

I guess the problem with having been single for quite a long time (five years) is that I can’t quite remember how sex lives work. Are you supposed to do it every night? Three times a week? Once a fortnight? (Please say no.) I am having to retrain myself from being casual to being serious. When you are in a casual relationship with someone it is always available, because that is what casual is code for — sex, am I right? But when it is serious, other things take its place, and the trick is to see them as equally valuable.

I sympathise with men for the reputation that precedes them as continuously wanting sex, because it very often isn’t the case. With my new respect for their right to have a night off, next time I will try to curb my disappointment and not go so far over to my side of the bed that I steal all the covers and nearly fall off, but I know it won’t be easy. Having been so used to the casual scenario for so long, I am finding “getting serious” to be a challenge. Fun as it is, the compromises have been a big deal for a sex maniac like me. (Okay, maybe it wasn’t only you.)

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