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5 Don’t be defensive

It’s simply another form of blame, as in “it’s not my fault” (it’s yours). Trying to see another person’s point of view is not stepping down, it’s stepping forward. It is not a sign of weakness but of strength. It takes generosity to put ourselves in another’s shoes, and if relationships thrive on any single gesture, it is to take our personal feelings out of the situation and show generosity.

6 Don’t sulk or stonewall

Men are particularly good at this; usually on the pretext they are “just keeping their head down”. Silence can be a form of punishment (as hostile in its own way as noisy anger) and refusing to engage makes conciliation impossible.

7 Don’t keep a battle going

Learn to accept an apology as well as to apologise, not necessarily for the action (sometimes we are right to be angry), but for the situation: “I’m sorry we had such a silly quarrel”.

8 Don’t make assumptions about other people’s behaviour

How can we learn not to do this? By stopping and asking ourselves a few simple questions: “How do I know if that’s really true? Am I overdramatising this?” We might, for example, assume somebody is late because they don’t care, whereas the truth is that they can be late for any number of reasons that have nothing to do with us. Other forms of mind-reading include expecting other people to fulfil our wants and needs without stating them clearly (“he/she should know”) and are based on yet another assumption: “If he/she loved me, he/she would know.” Nobody, however intimate, is clairvoyant.

9 Don’t be controlling

Your other half might be rubbish at cooking, but constant interference is not going to make them any better. People are imperfect, even the ones we love, and control is a form of game-playing. If you set somebody up, they will almost always fail. One game couples like to play is withholding affection or sex, but the real casualty, often fatally wounded, is the relationship, as both people draw further apart. Another form of game-playing is victim. “I was only trying to help” is a subtle, manipulative form of control.

10 Have good manners

Not in the sense of frigid politeness (which can be as riddled with contempt as outright insults), but as in treating your other half as you would your closest friends: with respect, affection and tolerance. If there’s one thing that has always struck me about those friends with a good marriage, it is that they are unfailingly considerate of each other. If you can do all that, you’re a better creature than I am, but what I can truly say is that I try. Where there’s a will or, to paraphrase, a willingness, there’s almost always a way.

Helpful reading: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver (Orion £8.99). Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne (Penguin £8.99)

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