Q My husband lost his job three months ago and we haven’t had sex since. I find his moping around the house deeply unsexy and that having him under my feet all the time means we argue constantly. He says that he feels emasculated by the redundancy and that my avoiding him in the bedroom doesn’t help. But what can I do? I just don’t fancy him.

A This recession is certainly putting “for richer or poorer” to the test. The economic constraints are tough enough — declining invitations to weddings in France, switching the kids to state education, keeping up with mortgage payments, venturing into Asda for the first time — but the psychological impact of redundancy is worse.

Although most people whinge about having to work for a living, denied the opportunity to do so they quickly realise that much of their identity was tied up in their job. Besides the financial incentives, work also provides structure, routine, social interaction, peer-group validation, and prospects, a ladder to climb. Take that away and the newly unemployed person feels, at best, disoriented, at worst, chronically depressed.

If our lives were more balanced, perhaps unemployment wouldn’t make us feel so “redundant”, but most people are, to some degree, defined by the work they do, so unemployment is a huge blow to their self-esteem. In couples where one partner is still employed, financial dependence can tip the balance of power in an unhealthy way. And although couples often complain about not having enough time with each other, as you point out, when two people are at home all day, they can get under each other’s feet.

Overexposure can aggravate underlying tensions. From what you say in your letter, his defensivness — “it’s not my fault I was made redundant and all I want is your support” — is matched by your sensitivity — “it’s not my fault you lost your job and I’m scared about the future”. And because neither of you feels listened to or understood, you go round and round in a hugely unsexy cycle of blame and counter-blame, which leaves you feeling so disillusioned that you begin to wonder whether it is only his job that has been lost.

To snap out of this downward spiral, you and your husband need to surrender to the fact that while global economics may be beyond your control, you do have the power to control how you make each other feel and how you help each other cope. This is a time for kindness and white flags, not petty bickering and red rags. It requires a “glass half full approach” to life because, believe it or not, there are lots of upsides to unemployment.

Many people, me included, have made a conscious decision to view this recession as an opportunity to re-evaluate what is important in life and rediscover non-material values. OK, you and your husband might be cash-poor, but you are time-rich, and that’s priceless. If you could get beyond your hostility, the two of you could stay in bed on rainy Monday mornings and make out. And yes, tighter budgets rule out lavish lunches, but lengthy picnics are much more fun anyway. Instead of buying stuff you don’t need, why not sell stuff you don’t want on eBay? Expensive spas? Who needs them when you can have a bath and a massage with a Jimmyjane afterglow massage candle (www.jimmyjane.com ).

And remember all those promises about getting fit? Well, get those trainers on because exercise has been scientifically proven to increase sexual drive, sexual activity and sexual satisfaction (Bortz & Wallace, 1999). The psychological benefits of physical exertion include stress relief, increased self-image and self-confidence (Krucoff & Krucoff, 2000). And results of a recent study reported that women were more sexually responsive after 20 minutes of vigorous exercise (Stanten & Yeager, 2003). Like sex, exercise costs nothing and makes you feel great, but while you and your husband are running, hiking, swimming or climbing, I’d ask you to spare a thought for grey-faced employees who could never afford such a luxury.

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