For a long time, commitment phobia was male turf, the bachelor mindset consistent with the all-men-are-bastards line of thinking. The only part women played was as the unwedded victims of men apparently taking their lead from commitment-phobic role models such as James Bond and George Clooney.

Then, last year, commitment phobia in men took an interesting turn. Scientists at Sweden’s Karolinska Institute looked at relationship difficulties in both men and, er, voles, and a genetic component to men’s reluctance to marry was identified: the 334 version of the AVPR1A gene, which, unlike a shady pair of own-brand, Status Quo-style bootcuts, cannot be taken back to the store, but must be lived with as part of your DNA.

Do women also have a genetic get-out clause, a biological reason for staying single? Hasse Walum, the leader of the study, says: “The hormone oxytocin seems to influence female pair-bonding more, and we are planning to investigate if variation in the gene coding for the receptor for this hormone is associated with women’s pair-bonding behaviour.”

Ladies! Put down your self-help guides and take up your ironclad excuse. When people ask, “Why won’t you settle down?”, tell them it might not be your fault. There have already been several studies into oxytocin (the body’s “love drug”) and its role in helping us overcome “neophobia” in relationships — ie, not totally freaking out at the thought of bonding with a stranger. One study claims that romantic bonding is a form of stress (an argument many of us will be ready to accept), and oxytocin helps diminish that stress.

Lucy, a 38-year-old event organiser, looks at her four siblings, three of whom are happily married. “I’m a believer in nurture over nature in shaping personality,” she says. “But my mum’s a bit of an Elizabeth Taylor type — who knows, I may have inherited her genes, not just her behaviour.” Unfortunately, it’s too early for scientists to have an explanation beyond an accident of genes. Others, however, have a more psychological take on things.

At the forefront is Elina Furman, the author of Kiss and Run: The Single, Picky and Indecisive Girl’s Guide to Overcoming Her Fear of Commitment. A colleague handed it to me silently as I regaled her with my latest amusing romantic capers. Extremely comprehensive and in some ways revolutionary, it identifies the female as the often passive — but no less aggressive — player in commitment-phobic scenarios. And this is no “poor me, how can I change?” self-help text. “There are two reasons I wrote that book,” says Furman. “Yes, one was to help women who want a relationship but keep pushing men away because they are actually commitment phobic. For them, the book is about pinpointing fears and identifying self-sabotaging behaviours. The other [more interesting] reason was to suggest that women who have issues with commitment, who struggle and worry that they aren’t in relationships, maybe just don’t want one. I wanted to give them a free pass to relax, enjoy and be happy as they are, instead of forcing themselves to try and conform to a whole load of socialised rubbish that isn’t natural.”

For all the anxious women fighting a commitment phobia, be it part of our nature or nurtured, there are some who simply accept it and enjoy. Cindy Gallop, a deliciously brainy and successful business consultant in her late forties, describes herself as “commitment averse — no, commitment agnostic”. “I think that represents best the lifestyle, which I happen to be enjoying at the moment,” she says. “Everyone should have the freedom to choose the relationship model that works for them — and that model may well be different at different stages in their life. The very term ‘commitment phobic’ implies that commitment is the gold standard and the norm.”

Societal norms, however, are changing. Worldwide, 11.8% of households are now single, the rise largely, and unsurprisingly, in developed nations, where marital status does not dictate social status: in western Europe, 28.9% of all households are single; in Africa and the Middle East, it’s 3.1%. No longer faced with the danger of being left economically and socially bereft, women do not have such a pressing need to marry.

Clara, a 35-year-old businesswoman, can relate to this. She recalls: “I walked into a room the other day to hear my mum saying, and not for the first time, ‘Well, of course, the problem with Clara is she has commitment issues.’ My commitment issues have made me ‘the problem one’ in the family. Yet where is the problem? I am self-sufficient, independent, I am not needy, I am basically a happy person, comfortable and secure. I have money, friends, interests... I have relationships, but they never rock my world sufficiently to make me feel I need them at the cost of other things in my life.”

One of my favourite chapter headings in Furman’s book is Why You’re a Jerk Too. It sure is a relief to be a jerk instead of a moist-eyed victim, weeping over another bastard male. Furman puts it to me that: “If we were free of socialising influences, if we existed in some gender-neutral environment, then we’d see pure biology play out. There are far fewer women who are relationship material than we think. Certainly as many women as men are really selfish, and I mean this in the nicest possible way.”

WHICH SINGLE GIRL ARE YOU?

The Bitch As soon as he comes out and tells her that he loves her, she’ll start on a campaign of ruthless mean-girl behaviour, from inappropriate public snarking to infidelity. He will, eventually, leave her. Then she becomes The Victim.

The List-Maker Even if he fulfils that long list of requirements she has for an ideal mate — from body hair to bank account — she’ll find another detail (the noise he made eating moules) that is, in the end, a deal-breaker.

The Freedom Junkie Has a huge appetite for life, great hunger for new experiences, is constantly making exciting plans. Men can’t keep up. She can’t keep still. Is always travelling. Fundamentally, probably has a deep-seated fear of death.

The Victim Either persistently dates men who cannot offer them real commitment (married, excessively self-interested, geographically or emotionally remote) or simply indulges in a broad spectrum of commitment-phobic behaviour while continually wailing, “What is wrong with me?” and grumbling about the lack of decent men out there.

The Love Addict It’s all “he’s the one”, until the romance runs out, and then she loses interest/gets bored/starts nitpicking/creates drama.

The Joyous Commitment Agnostic May have worked through all the pathologies above and now simply couldn’t give a toss about relationships, has a nice life and doesn’t care who knows it.

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