A friend, Robert, told me how his girlfriend Gemma’s battle with insecure feelings about her body was affecting their relationship. He reckoned that, at 39, it was time she accepted herself.

They would be out shopping and she would moan while trying on clothes. He found it almost intolerable to hear her recite why each item of clothing showed off the worst aspect of her body.

It was the same when they went out with friends. She would try on a dozen potential outfits, only to criticise each one. She was afraid that she didn’t look as good as the other girlfriends. And, worst of all, it affected their sex life, as she was inhibited about showing her body. Gemma wanted the lights down low, whereas Robert would find it erotic to be able to see her.

Why did Robert see Gemma’s image issues as a problem? Because he cared. He didn’t like to see her tormenting herself. Such protective feelings can quickly turn to frustration and anger if a partner doesn’t respond positively and do something about their issue.

Robert had reached that angry phase. I suggested setting boundaries and telling Gemma that he would interrupt if she started to complain about her body. I advised him to ignore her completely if she slipped up and started criticising herself again.

If, after a fortnight, Gemma hadn’t realised that he no longer listened to her self-criticisms, then he must explain that he would leave the room in future if she started going on about her body. That might force her to think about what she was doing to them both.

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