SMELT OUT

I have a friend who has asked me over at the weekend. Ordinarily, we spend time laughing and joking in her hot tub, quaffing glasses of pinot. Her husband is away and on contacting her to firm up times, she has advised me that the hot tub has broken, and therefore we will need to make light conversation on the sofa. How do I tell her that, in fact, the only reason she is a friend is because of the hot tub? Churlish, I know, but light conversation sitting on a sofa, really!

DA, Hampshire

There is something fishy about this. It is very odd that you want to let her know that your friendship is contingent upon access to her hot tub. I suspect that what is really going on here is that you have a flatulence problem that you cannot admit to, and the only place you can meet your friend without fear of embarrassment is in the bubbling, aromatic waters of a hot tub. Try changing your diet, and if that proves ineffective, you could always experiment with a stout cork.

TEENAGE KICKS

I recently had some friends over at my house. We watched a few films and then Dan, my best friend, Jamie, Dan’s other best friend, and Jane stayed the night. We all slept in my basement, head to toe on the sofa bed. After Jane and Dan had gone to sleep, I felt Jamie stroking my feet. This continued to my legs and... so on. Eventually, he moved so we were face to face and he continued, but we didn’t go all the way. In the morning, we didn’t really talk: I didn’t know what to say as I think it was a little out of character for him, and I didn’t know what to think. We haven’t spoken since, seeing as whenever we are together Dan is with us. I’m not sure what to do. I like him, but I’m unsure about how to talk to him. Please advise me (and please take into account I’m 14).

LL, London

Call me old-fashioned, but I do think that a certain amount of conversation is in order before embarking upon anything that might be deemed a “relationship”. And call the law old-fashioned, but it insists on your having another two years under your belt — so to speak — before you start pitching into full-blown physical action. It is best to be traditional about these things, so get Jane to tell him you think he is quite nice. Then Dan can let you know that Jamie wants you to go to the cinema with him. You arrange to meet, but turn up with Jane so that she can keep an eye on things... Embark on a campaign of intense snogging for the next two years (at least) and all will be well.

STYLE ICON

I much admired the picture of you in the issue of June 21, and was intrigued to see that underneath your sundress you appear to be wearing an incy-wincy, teeny-weeny yellow polka-dot bikini. Could anybody else possibly carry it off with such style?

PW, Romsey

Obviously not, and despite the artist’s depraved suggestions, I think I shall leave it there.

Send problems to: Mrs Mills, The Sunday Times, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1ST, or mrs.mills@sunday-times.co.uk. No correspondence can be entered into

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