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4. DON’T BE FUSSY

We’re conditioned by stories like Cinderella and Snow White to believe that there’s one true love out there for us all. Unfortunately, as the manufacturers of moisturising creams the world over like to remind us, we won’t look this good forever. Sooner or later it’s time to settle. When Harry Met Sally is a perfect lesson in how to win at romantic musical chairs: try to find The One but always keep your backup spouse close to hand.

If you still haven’t dated anyone by the time you’re 40 don’t hold out for perfection – learn from The 40 Year Old Virgin and hook up with the first person that shows even halfway willing. Best advice of all comes from the latest Katherine Heigl effort The Ugly Truth (above). He may be an ill-mannered misogynistic boor but he’s still a man, dammit and once you’ve passed thirty that’s good enough.

5. BE A NERD

Of course romance comes easily to nerds. The movies tell us that again and again. We’ve already discussed The 40 Year Old Virgin, where a dysfunctional shut-in with minimal cool marries super-groovy Catherine Keener. Bridget Jones’s Diary extols the irresistible appeal of the female klutz. Annie Hall ups the ante by bringing two entirely different grades of nebbish together in one majestic loser romance.

6. BE LUCKY

If you can’t be a nerd, be lucky. Whether it’s something as unlikely as winning a lottery (It Could Happen To You) or an everyday piece of good fortune like being selected to write the lyrics for a guaranteed Number One single even though you’re just a gardener (Music & Lyrics) there really is no substitute for sheer good fortune. If you don’t have luck, make some – pitch up at a stranger’s wedding. Never fails.

7. WHEN ALL HOPE IS LOST, GET A PROFESSIONAL IN

You wouldn’t dream of rewiring your own house. Unless you’d eaten a lot of cheese before bedtime or something. So why organize your own relationships? If we’ve learned anything from Pretty Woman, it’s that common street prostitutes are generally wholesome, marriageable young women. Experts in leaving home (Failure To Launch) and relationship counsellors (Hitch) will definitely marry you as long as you pay them a lot of money first.

You should engage your professional with caution though: if The Wedding Planner has a message for us it’s this: the woman you hire to help you pick out some flowers will probably run off with the groom.

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