Question I am a 38-year-old virgin. After a very awkward situation at the age of 15 I have never tried again because I have been too embarrassed. I am now dating a lovely girl and would like to try. Where do I begin learning about how to please her?

Answer Twenty-three years of embarrassment is masochism taken to extremes, but it is wonderful to hear that you are ready to give sex another go. I’m surprised at how many adults, like you, are long-term virgins. In June a US-based study of more than 7,000 people aged 25-45 established that 13.9 per cent of men and 8.9 per cent of women have never had sex.

The research, led by the urologist Michael Eisenberg, of the University of California, San Francisco, and published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, found, somewhat predictably, that church-goers were more likely to be virgins, but who would have thought that women with college degrees were 5.4 times more likely to be virgins than those without a degree?

Fortunately it is not hard to learn about sex any more. There are hundreds of good books on the subject and, unlike school sex education, which is geared towards discouraging pupils from doing homework, adult guides are “how to” and “hands on”. I would recommend my own The Sex Book (Cassell, £9.99), which explores sexual health and sexuality in a straightforward, accessible way. Illustrated with diagrams and position guides, the book explains what to do, how to do it and what it will feel like.

You could also look at a US college textbook, Sexual Interactions: Basic Understandings, by Albert Richard Allgeier and Elizabeth Rice Allgeier. This takes a broad interdisciplinary approach and integrates biological, psychological, social, religious, ethical, legal, emotional and crosscultural perspectives.

For an insight into sex, contraception, STIs, pregnancy, premenstrual syndrome and menopause from a woman’s perspective, look at Our Bodies, Ourselves: A New Edition for a New Era, by the Boston Women’s Health Book Collective. The original 1970s edition sold more than three million copies and it has been updated several times since. Another oldie but goodie is Sexual Behaviour in the Human Female, by Alfred C. Kinsey, first published in 1953 and derived from interviews with almost 6,000 women. This book is still of great value to anyone wanting to learn more about female sexuality.

Reading beyond sex manuals and textbooks will give you a broader insight into sex and sexuality as a cultural issue. I would recommend Her Way: Young Women Remake the Sexual Revolution, by Paula Kamen, and Sex is Not a Natural Act & Other Essays, by Leonore Tiefer. The first is based on interviews with more than 100 young women and explores the emergence of liberalised sexual attitudes and behaviour in our society. The second is a collection of essays by Tiefer that examine the social construction of sexuality and the forces shaping and influencing sexual behaviour.

Once you begin to educate yourself about sex and female sexuality you will realise that there is an enormous difference between having sex and pleasing a partner. While sexual intercourse simply requires rudimentary anatomy, giving sexual pleasure involves biology, chemistry and psychology as well as an understanding of neurological and social gender differences.

No matter how well prepared you are, your first time is still bound to be a little intimidating, but you can minimise problems by keeping things simple. Be consistent; don’t chop and change pace, technique and position. Limit the gymnastics and, if in doubt, stick to missionary. (Most women feel more attractive lying flat on their back than they do bouncing up and down on top.) Lastly, always operate a “ladies first”policy and if at first you succeed try not to look astonished.

Have your say and join the debate in the Times Alpha Mummy sex survey — timesonline.co.uk/sexsurvey2009

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