Q I split up with my long-term boyfriend a year ago and we agreed to remain friends. However, it’s got to the stage where our relationship is too friendly: he hangs out with my mates, came to visit me when I was studying abroad and is now coming on a weekend away with a group of us. I do really like him, but I feel I need a bit of distance. How do I manage this without hurting his feelings?

Anna, 25

A Staying friends with an ex is a lofty ideal, but, unless children are involved, not one that is recommended immediately after a break-up, acrimonious or not. Both of you should experience time apart to adjust to your newly single status. A time of personal introspection, albeit painful, is something to be valued. How else does one learn from one’s mistakes? This healthy dose of self-analysis is virtually impossible if one of you refuses to keep the requisite distance. By clinging, limpet-like, to you and your friends, your ex is showing that he is in denial about your split and/or lacks the courage to cope with the pain of loss.

Your desire for distance is completely sensible. You need to have an immediate, direct conversation with your ex so he can absorb the full implications of your break-up. Achieving this without causing him more hurt is probably impossible, but at this stage you are entitled to put your needs first. You can be firm without being unkind and can suggest that your friendship be renewed after a decent time apart. You have shown him considerable generosity by letting him remain so close, but a year is more than enough time and it’s best now to insist.

You may be doing him an unkindness by not confronting the situation. He could be interpreting your compliance as a sign that you can’t live without him. The sooner he faces the truth about your relationship and experiences the anguish, the sooner you and he can start living in the future instead of constantly harking back.

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