Question: My wife and I are in our forties and would like to spice up our sex life without making my wife feel as if she has to act like a porn star. We are fairly open to trying new things but we feel that it would be best to keep things on the tamer side to begin with. Where should we start?

The Sex Counsel replies: How many 40-year-old women out there are hoping that this is their husband anonymously writing in? Yup, me too.

It is refreshing and reassuring to get a letter from a man who wants advice on how to turn up the heat in his marital relationship without compromising his wife’s integrity or dignity.

From a less sensitive man a request to “spice things up” could easily be interpreted as a criticism, but you have clearly discussed the idea of experimentation together and neither of you feels threatened or embarrassed by it, so good for you.

Keeping things tame to begin with is also sensible because anything that makes either of you insecure about the way you look or feel will undermine rather than enhance your sexual pleasure.

Small changes can make a very big difference and taking things slowly allows you both to gradually build your confidence. Spontaneous sex is great but, if you want to experiment, advance planning not only heightens levels of anticipation, it also ensures that you are both prepared, mentally and physically. And it means that you will have all the necessary props to hand to help you to realise your desires.

If you haven’t explored the wonderful world of luxury lubricants that should be one of your first steps. If you are not sure which brand you like the Sh Lube sample kit contains six sachets of popular brands from sh-womenstore.com; or try KY Sensual Silk Tingling Ultra Gel.

The enormous range of exotic sex toys now on the market can put an instant sizzle into your sex life, but don’t forget the simple stuff.

Maintaining physical contact with each other — kissing, hugging, hand holding or play fighting — will keep you sexually charged during the day. And although you can use instant messaging, e-mail or sexy texts to prime yourselves, don’t forget snail mail. Write your wife a sexy letter by hand describing what you would like to do with her. By the time it turns up six months later it will be imbued with poignant “back to the future” romantic sentiment.

Changing the venue is one of the easiest ways to give your sex life a shot of adrenalin. Have something other than dinner on the kitchen table.

What about taking a shower together? Even better if you’ve got messy together with whipped cream beforehand.

Or wait until dark, lay a couple of duvets on the grass and make out under the stars in your back garden, provided you can be sure you’re not visible to the neighbours. If you can, creating a dedicated sex space in a spare bedroom is a good idea.

If you prefer dressing up and role playing there is some great information about motivations, preparation and boundaries at sexuality.about.com/od/sexualroleplay/ht/sexfantasyroles.

For your wife, M&S is lingerie heaven, although for gifts Agent Provocateur has nicer packaging (agentprovocateur.com). You might like Hom “Safe Love” Maxi Trunks (£20 from figleaves.com).

Made from 90 per cent polyamide and 10 per cent elastane, they’re soft and clingy and are supplied with a free condom and case. And £1 from each purchase goes to the French Aids charity Sidaction, so as well as looking good, you will be doing good.

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