TRUE ROMANTIC

I am essentially a 30-year-old virgin. I plan to get married one day in the future; probably when I am 32. In the meantime, I am keen to play the field and enjoy sexual intercourse with women of all different shapes and sizes. What do you recommend?

KPR, CO Armagh

If I were keen on having as much sex as possible, I wouldn’t start in Northern Ireland. You’d be better off trying your luck in any large English conurbation. Check out Newcastle, for example, where walking through the streets on a Saturday night should not only break your duck, but probably give you some experience of several other “shapes and sizes” before the light of day, if you’ve got the stamina.

HE’S UP TO NO GOOD

My boyfriend of five years refuses to be my “friend” on Facebook. He has even gone to the length of blocking me. He claims that this is because he wants to keep his work and home life separate. I do however, know that he has many non-work friends on there. Should I take offence? Should I be worried that he is trying to keep something from me? Or should I just take the hint?

CJ, by e-mail

I think we all know what he’s up to, and it is easy to get confirmation. Invent a foxy online alter ego, complete with hot photo, and offer yourself up to him for Facebook friendship. Send him a message saying you have just moved to the area and a mutual friend suggested you should get in touch, as he is such “a great guy”. Brace yourself: it will be the digital equivalent of sneaking a look at what he’s got hidden at the bottom of his sock drawer, and it won’t be pleasant. Still, you could use your new Facebook persona to shop around and check other potential boyfriends while you are at it. Posing as an “up for it” type (in other words, suggesting that you like to wear stockings regularly) will undoubtedly make them come clean about their basest fantasies, if they think there is the slightest opportunity of realising them. It is always useful to get those little peccadilloes out of the way (and you never know, they might chime with some of your own).

WELL TRIMMED

My mother lives in a home for the elderly. Every month, she asks me to cut her toenails. I am quite sure she is capable of doing it herself, and I feel it is inappropriate and vulgar to ask me. I have tried offering to pay for a chiropodist, but she doesn’t like him and feels it is a waste of money. How can I get out of this situation without hurting her feelings?

MJ, Aberystwyth

I expect it is the bending and twisting involved that puts her off doing it herself. Buy her a pair of long-handled angled garden shears, then she can clip her toenails lying down or even while standing in the lunch queue, as well as keeping her bush in order.

LIFE’S ONLY CERTAINTY

I have been prescribed a drug for bipolar disorder. One possible side effect is “sudden, unexplained death”. Should I be concerned?

GB, Co Durham

This is a common side effect: it can also be caused by fish, peanuts, certain sanitary products and being found in bed with the next-door neighbour. That’s life, I’m afraid.

Send problems to: Mrs Mills, The Sunday Times, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1ST, or mrs.mills@sunday-times.co.uk. No correspondence can be entered into

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