I am 64, and for the past three years I’ve been in a relationship with a man 11 years my junior. It has been, in many ways, the best relationship of my life. The fly in the ointment is sex. He has had a dysfunctional relationship with sex for much of his life, following an abusive childhood. He avoided any long-term commitment, feeling he couldn’t cope with an intimate relationship. He had an addiction to pornography and short-term casual affairs, which he has managed to give up through therapy. He feels I am the first woman to whom he can relate at an emotional level, but he is low on libido and desire.

We do make love, but usually less than once a week, and usually initiated by me. I do love him, and don’t want to lose the relationship, but my own libido is quite strong and I often feel rejected, even angry sometimes. I think he would be perfectly happy to live with me in companionable celibacy, but I doubt I could accept this situation.

Sex is clearly very important to you, and I have to say I feel greatly encouraged by your desire at the age of 64. I’ve just turned 42, and I sincerely hope I have your dynamic libido at that age — fading libido is something I do worry about. We’re under great pressure nowadays to have successful, sex-filled relationships, but that’s not always the reality. In relationships, partners can put varying and often disparate values on sex and intimacy. In fact, sex and intimacy are different acts requiring different emotions; it sounds to me as if you have not only a good understanding of the difference, but also a need for both in your life.

It sounds as if your partner may be a sex addict. Sex addiction has much less to do with the amount of sex a person has than with the way in which they use sex in their life. A common misconception is that sex addicts run around making love to everything that moves, and nothing could be further from the truth.

Many professionals in the field of sex addiction claim that our sexual and emotional map is laid out within us around the age of eight, so it is not hard to understand that your partner’s abusive childhood will have shaped and determined his attitude and approach to sex. Sex addiction is effectively an intimacy disorder, and he is clearly struggling to share meaningful, sustainable intimacy with you. It must be hard for you to comprehend why the man with whom you share such a wonderful life, yet who, you say, is “the best relationship of my life” is not able, or doesn’t want, to have sex with you.

I can understand your feelings of rejection. Perhaps this is particularly difficult because you are a woman. I say this because we expect men to want to have sex all the time, so for a woman to be rejected, it becomes exaggerated — a double whammy.

I am not furnished with the exact details of his past and what it is that led him down the path of pornography and casual affairs, yet he is aware of his issues and that they have required treatment in the form of a therapist, which is positive. He is also very affectionate towards you, which I think is deeply encouraging.

I wonder whether it wouldn’t be useful for you to attend some therapy sessions together — or for him to go to a therapist specifically trained in sex addiction. It’s all well and good identifying a horrendous past, but harder to regain control and equip yourself with the tools to control your sex and love life. Part of his recovery may involve a period of abstinence in order for him to become sober.

Instinctively, I feel he has used sex in the past to numb unpleasant memories, intangibles such as failures, rejection, pain and criticism — all the things that make up his inner landscape. This, in turn, means that his association with sex is not a positive, healthy one, which could go a long way towards explaining why he finds it hard to indulge in it with you. He clearly loves and respects you — and that is the crux of his struggle. His relationship with you is probably something he is unlikely to want to ruin or taint with sex while this issue remains unresolved. You have been together for three years, which is a great achievement. He has made that commitment to you.

Therapy for the two of you together at some stage down the line would be a really positive step. That way, you can learn why he is behaving the way he does and not feel that he is personally rejecting you. I’ve read the Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous book, and it’s nicely bound, in white, with no title on it, so you can read it on the bus or train.

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous; 07951 815087, slaauk.org

Ulrika Jonsson is standing in for Sally Brampton this week

If you have a relationship question, e-mail sally.brampton@ sunday-times.co.uk. In case of publication, names will be withheld. We’re sorry, but your letters cannot be answered personally. Sally returns next week

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