The problem

Melissa, 42, and her son and daughter moved in with John last Christmas and as far as she was concerned it was all going well. John contacted me because, behind her back, the 15-year-old boy had been rude and aggressive towards him and had started to tell him: “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dad!” Which was rich, 44-year-old John said, considering that the boy’s father showed no interest in them and was rarely in touch.

The bigger picture

That could be part of the problem, I told him. “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dad” is a very common stepfamily issue and sometimes it is a heartfelt objection to someone trying to take the place of a missing parent. But it’s often not the challenge it appears to be. What it may really mean is “My family has broken up and I’m really cut up about it. I can’t tell my missing parent what I feel because that might make it worse. So I’m going to offload all my anger and pain on you.”

The solution

I suggested a remedy would be to sidestep the whole issue of whether John was trying to be a substitute father by making house rules. John and Melissa could get all the family together to thrash out shared agreements on what makes the home run smoothly — chores, rules, quid pro quos (you come in on time and do your chores and in exchange you can have first choice of TV on some nights).

Then, instead of it being “Do what I say because I’m the daddy figure” it’s “We all keep our agreed rules”. Being a part of making these rules means that they see the sense of them, and usually gain an investment in keeping them. Having a say means they also have the chance to call parents to account — children may use it to demand that you give up smoking or set aside one night as family time.

If Melissa’s son had some of his requests taken on board he may feel more inclined to see the fairness of his mother’s partner being able to be an adult in the house if not a parent. Bringing the debate out into the open would let Melissa help broker an understanding without her having to take sides.

I pointed out that probably the most important and powerful approach would be to acknowledge the real issue by saying “I know it feels tough that I’m here and I’m not your dad — I can’t change that but what would you like me to do to make it feel better?”

Sometimes, simply articulating the real pain helps to make it more manageable.

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