SHE SAW YOU COMING

I have just spent a wonderful three years with my now ex-girlfriend — providing a home, security and being a father figure to her two children. I have been kicked into touch as she now wishes to live her twenties in her thirties and, as she readily admits, is going through a midlife crisis. Incredibly, she’s only 31, and the children are far from an independent age. Having had shocking experiences with my previous girlfriends — one took me to the cleaners as I foolishly placed her on the mortgage to my home, and another was having an unusually high number of business weekends away with her boss — should I take the hint and become a hopeless romantic in a cottage by the sea and rely on a faithful collie for company?

TM, Somerset

Do you have “sucker” tattooed on your forehead, or is it just written in indelible ink? For the sake of your long-term financial health, shack up with the collie.

A SLAPHEAD WRITES

I find myself in rather a pickle. I am a man of 40, and have always prided myself on my appearance and youthful, boyish glow. Rather alarmingly, however, over the past few months my hair has begun to thin somewhat, which is depressing and worrying in equal measure. This leads me to the burning question: could bald men possibly be attractive to females? Shall I bite the bullet and wear my rich-tea biscuit with pride, invest in supplement-type items such as miracle grow, weaves and the like, or go for the cheaper option of clever combed flick-over work or jaunty trendy hats? To compound the issue, I am spending sleepless nights worrying about my wispy spot, which I am sure is contributing to my hair loss. My wife and friends tell me not to worry, but take great pleasure in pointing out my impending baldness at every opportunity. What shall I do? Be bald and proud or take a leaf out of Elton’s book?

DL, Midlands

There are two courses: snigger-inducing and non-snigger-inducing. Every single baldness disguise (toupee, full wig, combover, “subtle” hair weave, indoor hat-wearing) makes people snigger, but nobody laughs at openly displayed baldness. However, I do find myself wondering why, given that you are married, you are so keen to appear attractive to the opposite sex. Perhaps your wife should encourage you to go for the full Donald Trump whipped-up combover to be on the safe side.

WORDS FROM A WITCH

I find your comment that nobody over the age of 40 should wear jeans (Oct 11) quite bizarre. You may have a fat arse and tree-trunk legs, but I, at 46, do not, and look fab in my size six jeans, thank you. Presumably you have looked hideous in jeans at whatever age, so have therefore chosen to dictate that nobody over 40 should wear them. Do you really think that you are suited to having a problem page? Have a nice day.

VT, by e-mail

Jeans have neither elegance nor dignity, and wearing them after the age of 30 is an attempt to cling on to youth that looks sadder and more desperate with each passing year. You may be the skeletal dwarf you say you are, but however “fab” (such a vulgar word) you may look, I guarantee you still look decrepitly middle-aged to everyone under 30.

Send problems to: Mrs Mills, The Sunday Times, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1ST, or mrs.mills@sunday-times.co.uk. No correspondence can be entered into

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