I’m 20 with little experience in relationships, so some impartial advice would be appreciated. I left my beloved “high-flying” life in London to go to university, and felt a bit of a comedown initially. I met my boyfriend soon after. To begin with, I wasn’t interested, but after a few months (of him courting me), we got together and things were great. A year later, the honeymoon period is well and truly over. Despite our love for each other (we tell each other a hundred times a day), bickering and arguing has become a daily routine. After a big row, we discuss what happened and how we can prevent it happening again, but we’re both dismayed, as nothing seems to be improving. Next year, I’m going abroad to study, and although I try to reassure him we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, he point-blank refuses to take it on board and harbours endless negative thoughts. He says he’s very dependent on me and admits he’ll resent me if things don’t work out. It’s getting me down. I’m a free-spirited person and feel the future shouldn’t affect what we have now.

It seems the two of you have become trapped in a relationship of opposites, and while they say that opposites attract, they don’t always do so in a good way. Instead, it can turn into a toxic game of “push me, pull you”.

As you say, you’re a free spirit with the courage to take risks, such as leaving your “high-flying” life and going abroad to further your studies. It sounds as if you look the truth in the eye, while your boyfriend clings to denial, as in refusing to take on board that you’re going away. As for resenting you if things don’t work out, that’s the blame game, while harbouring endless negative thoughts is merely a polite phrase for sulking. Put all that together with his dependence on you and you might as well tattoo “emotionally needy” across his forehead.

You may feel that’s harsh, but it’s important, because what seems to be happening is that you’re both stuck in a vicious circle of need and independence. We are often attracted to qualities we lack in ourselves. He spent months pursuing you, despite your lack of interest, but I suspect that your indifference, combined with your independence, is what attracted him to you. As for what attracted you to him, perhaps, despite your independence, you have a need to be needed, otherwise you wouldn’t put up with the sulking and emotional blackmail.

You don’t say what precipitates the daily round of bickering, but, based on the brief portraits you’ve sketched of your differing personalities, it sounds as if he clings, which makes you withdraw, which makes him even clingier, which makes you withdraw further, ad infinitum. That causes a row, which ends in conciliation and promises to change on both sides.

As you admit that you have little experience in relationships, I’m going to point out a few golden rules. It seems to me that neither of you is looking at your own behaviour or taking responsibility for it. The finger of blame is always pointing in the other direction, so relationship lesson number one would be to take responsibility for your own behaviour. Look at your part in things and stay out of the sniper fire of blame territory.

Lesson number two is to put some boundaries in place. Telling each other a hundred times a day that you love each other might sound cute, but it’s sticky with co-dependence. I’m not saying you shouldn’t articulate your affection, but you both need space to be your own person. Just like plants, we need light and air to breathe and grow, and if we don’t get it, we (that would be we, as in the relationship) end up weak and sickly.

Lesson number three is good manners. That might sound a bit mealy-mouthed, but what it really means is treating each other with the courtesy and tolerance you would afford your closest friends. We don’t bicker with friends or point out their faults, and nor should we do that in our intimate relationships. Criticism and contempt are poisons that will taint even the best partnership.

Lesson number four is about acceptance. You live in the present (you’d rather cross the bridge of the future when you get to it), while he projects into an unknown tomorrow, with all its attendant anxieties and catastrophic imaginings. He’s emotionally needy and anxious; you’re independent and free-spirited. Can that dynamic ever work out? Yes, but only if you recognise and respect those differences.

That leads us into lesson number five, which is that we can’t change other people; we can only change our responses to them. It seems you’re both trying to change each other (hence the constant arguing), rather than accepting each other as you are. Allowing the people we love to be themselves takes trust and respect, which are crucial to any relationship. Without them, you may as well pack your bags and move on. I hope that helps.

If you have a relationship question for Sally, e-mail sally.brampton@sunday-times.co.uk. In case of publication, names will be withheld. We’re sorry, but Sally cannot answer letters personally

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