HOW TO PULL A GIRL

By Shane Watson

All females have one thing in common: we cannot resist a man who cannot resist us. If you make us feel desired, then we feel good about ourselves and (two glasses later) pretty damn hot, and then, well, might as well book the taxi.

Never assume that we already know you find us sexy just because we are wearing a low-cut dress and provocative heels. However confident and saucy a girl might seem, she is not feeling it until she gets the necessary feedback.

It’s so simple, you can’t imagine why, whenever two people of the opposite sex are in close proximity, it doesn’t automatically end in sex. The trouble is, not all men are good at making women feel sexy.

Some men are very good at reminding you how sexy they are. ("Check out my arse in these leather jeans. Could be your lucky night.") Some are expert at letting you know they could be interested, but they’re still deciding whether you’re worth the effort. (They’re the ones who keep checking out your hips and trying to squint down your bra.) And some men mistake practiced chat-up lines, leery smiles and lots of pawing and nuzzling as the secret to getting a woman into bed. None of the above will do.

So how do you make us feel sexy? Well, probably you have to mean it, and then you must be totally unashamed of showing it, but rein it in a bit to avoid looking too dizzy and panting.

Very attentive is good. Sticking close is good. A lot of eye contact, a bit of carefully directed flattery. Don’t start by saying, ‘My God, but you’re sexy’ — though you could probably get away with that later. Focus on us 100% and you cannot fail.

HOW TO PULL A BOY

By Matt Rudd

Ladies, I’m afraid we need to understand the theory of relativity in order to master the art of the pick-up. If you are relatively beautiful and he is relatively not, almost any technique will work from a slight smile to the worst chat-up line (“If you were a new burger at McDonald’s, you would be McGorgeous”). If you are relatively minging and he is relatively not, you’re going to have to hope he agrees that personality is more important than looks. No man ever will.

However, you don’t have to be Einstein to cheat the system. You can rely on alcohol, but I wouldn’t recommend it. While beer goggles can lead to magical nights in strange beds, going home with George Clooney and waking up with someone from a Channel Five documentary is not a nice way to spend Christmas. Stay classy, San Diego.

Women would be better relying on my as-of-now trademarked amendment to relativity: men are relatively more desperate than women. When you talk to us at parties, we find this unimaginably exciting, but we are also suspicious. Why is she talking to me? Is she trying to win a bet? Does she want to sleep with my best friend? Allay our suspicions by being normal, and romance will follow. There are few things more unsettling than a woman doing obvious chatting up (except, of course, if she’s McGorgeous).

So, some quick rules. Dress tarty (I’m sorry, but always dress tarty). Don’t talk tarty. Well, maybe a bit. Don’t make us dance. Please don’t make us dance. Make us walk you home or to the taxi, but (and here I do a great disservice to mankind) don’t invite us to come up for a coffee. Make us wait.

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