Why can’t I stop being horrible to men who like me?

I’m 26 years old, and have been single for two years after a dysfunctional and sometimes mildly abusive relationship ended. Before that, I was the mistress of a married man for three years.

I was happy with our arrangement — I now realise this was because I had all the perks of a relationship without the reality of proper commitment. I don’t know why I’m like this. My single friends moan about the lack of nice guys, but I’m always looking for the next Mr Unobtainable or Mr Nasty. I don’t even pretend I want a nice man, and I don’t want a relationship. I want to conquer the bad guys and move on. It’s these silly games that I live for, but how long can I play with people like this? I admit I’ve had my heart broken, but it made me stronger as a person. Now I’m almost too strong, too cold. I care only about having fun, and as soon as the games stop, I run away. I don’t want to be this cold and dismissive. I want to stop hurting people and being a bitch.

On the surface, this looks like rare honesty. You admit to being a cold-hearted bitch and playing the age-old male game of “treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen”. And yes, it works — in a limited way. It gives you a sense of power that makes life exciting, if only fleetingly. Except that, after a while, it stops working because it is false and ultimately meaningless. It brings us nothing that, at heart, we want.

Why do people work so hard to hurt each other?

Why do they deceive and keep secrets? Answers will put my mind at rest and bring peace

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You say you don’t know why you behave like you do and give me no clue in your letter, except to say that you adore the chase, but as soon as you get a man you like, your personality switches, and where you were loving and warm, you become “cold, arrogant, rude and dismissive”.

It looks to me as if it’s not men you despise, but yourself. You despise them for loving, or even liking you because, deep down, your opinion of yourself is terrifyingly low. You believe that anybody who can’t see past that tough, confident exterior to the mess inside must be a complete fool.

The choices we make say much more about us than they do about the people we choose. Your choices say that you’re terrified of intimacy and hooked on power because your self-worth is so low. It’s the only way you can feel better about yourself. If somebody wants you, you must be good enough. Except that you don’t feel good enough, so you only allow them to get as close as wanting you physically. Any attempt to get close to you emotionally and you’re kicking up dust.

Despite your tough words, I suspect you’re a bit of a sweetie. As to why you’re so scared of showing men who you really are, you’re the only person who can answer that — and the only person who can fix it. The way to do that is to concentrate on the most important relationship we can ever have, which is with ourselves. You’re using men to avoid yourself. What appears to be honesty is surface and fake, much like the image you present to the world. The only honesty you need to summon is to, and about, yourself. Until we love ourselves, it’s pretty impossible to love somebody else.

To answer your question — how you can stop being horrible to men who like you? — the first thing to do is go cold turkey. Don’t have a relationship of any sort, even a mild flirtation, for the next year. You are not only using men, you are using them as if they were a drug. You do that to avoid the way you truly feel. Put the drug down and see how it feels to come face to face with yourself. If that’s too hard, think about getting some therapy. I suspect that some of this is down to patterns of behaviour learnt in childhood, and those are tough to look at, let alone undo, on your own.

Try to be nice to yourself — and I don’t mean indulging yourself with a new pair of Jimmy Choos. I mean treating yourself with the kindness and love you would show to a close friend. Have some respect. Tell that nagging inner critic to shut up. Understand that you are doing your best and that your best is perfectly good enough. Ask for help. Don’t think you have to be perfect all of the time, or even part of the time. Try to be a human being instead of a human doing. I know our culture pretends otherwise, but the most attractive quality we have is our vulnerability. Think about it. Think about who you love: Miss Glossy-exterior Perfect or Miss Bit of a Mess but Trying Hard? So drop the tough-girl act. You’ll have to if you’re putting any of the above advice into action. Spend the next year trying to learn how to have friendships with men, which, at heart, is exactly the same as having friendships with women. When it comes down to it, the only thing we all crave is to love and be loved. Life is about connection. It’s the only thing we have. Everything else is mere posturing.

If you have a relationship question for Sally Brampton, e-mail sally.brampton@sunday-times.co.uk. In case of publication, names will be withheld. We’re sorry, but Sally cannot answer every letter personally

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