I’m 25, and I feel I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life. I
was 20 when I met my first love. His controlling nature meant things often
had to go his way. Despite that, we loved each other intensely. I loved
making him happy, as it made me happy, too. Last year, to his distress, I
broke free and left him. This meant I could finally do the things I wanted,
such as dress as I please and go where I wanted without criticism. I had a
few flings with people who made me feel like a goddess. Now I’m a slave to
him again and have become a recluse, cutting off all ties with friends. I’ve
put on one stone, my self-esteem is low and I’m an emotional wreck. I
planned to travel the world this year, but have no desire to do that any
more. He has me right where he wants me. I still love him and want to marry
him. Although we sleep together, he insists we are not a couple and wants to
take things slowly. I lied about the men I was with and can’t tell the truth
now. Deep down, I know he still loves me and I would give my life to him. I
don’t know what to do.
There’s something frightening about your letter. You live in fear and shame.
You can never be sorry or guilty enough. No matter the years when your
boyfriend’s needs and happiness came first or that he drove you away through
his controlling nature. No matter that he criticises, manipulates and
withholds affection. You still want more. I suspect the reason he wants to
take things slowly isn’t that you hurt him and he cannot trust you (although
I bet that’s his line), but that he wants to punish you.And still you call
that love.
I know it’s considered heart-stoppingly beautiful in romantic fiction to say
“I would give my life to him”, but, frankly, I think it’s sick — sick as in
an unhealthy relationship, sick as in a wounded balance of power, sick as in
an injured sense of self. But it is not — and I cannot say this enough —
anything to do with love. We should not give our lives to others (think what
a terrible burden that is): we should share our lives with them.
I’ve written about addictive relationships before and get many letters on the
subject. It seems that some of us confuse strong emotion or a deep
attachment with love. Yes, love is a strong emotion and a deep attachment,
but it is also kind, forgiving, compassionate and, most of all, selfless.
So, there are four words that sum up love. Can you use any of them about
your boyfriend? If we love in a healthy way, we are kind to each other. If
we love in an unhealthy way, we try to control each other. We might control
through indifference (but using unpredictable acts of tenderness to keep
somebody hooked) or through sly and undermining behaviour. There are more
subtle ways to control people than brute domination.
My favourite therapist calls people like your boyfriend “vampires”. They suck
all the life, energy and beauty out of those they say they love. Now, your
concern is to see clearly both your boyfriend and the damage he inflicts on
you. Look at the list you use to describe the way he makes you feel. I’ll
paraphrase: lonely, cut off from the friends who love you, scared,
depressed, overweight, filled with regret, unable to tell him the truth,
guilty and ashamed.
And still your heart is telling you that you love him and want to marry him.
Well, it’s not your heart that’s speaking. It’s your need — a profound,
corrupted, addictive attachment. Why? Perhaps because he has locked into
something in you that believes love is about control. You are happy, you
say, if you make him happy. Your needs come second. But if you don’t value
yourself, you cannot expect to be valued by others. I don’t mean that in a
narcissistic way (“because I’m worth it”), but because a balance of
self-love (or self-worth or esteem) is healthy.
So, what should you do? In the short term, go on that round-the-world trip.
Break off all attachment. Behave as if he were a dangerous drug and just say
no every time you feel a destructive impulse to reach out to him. It will be
hard at first, but the more you practise, the easier it will become. Don’t
think you can’t do it — you’ve done it before and enjoyed it. It means no
texts, e-mails, or midnight drinking-and-dialling. Find some of those men
who make you feel like a goddess. You are a goddess. We are all goddesses
and deserve people in our lives who make us feel that way. In return, we owe
it to the people who love us to make them feel beautiful, too.
In the long term, think about some counselling and read one of the books I
suggest below. They describe the difference between healthy and unhealthy
relationships and suggest ways in which to love well. And take care of
yourself. Somebody needs to. And if not you, then who?
Helpful reading Is It Love or Is It Addiction? by Brenda Schaeffer
(Hazelden £13.99); Escape from Intimacy: Untangling the Love Addictions:
Sex, Romance, Relationships by Anne Wilson Schaef (Harper San Francisco
£7.12); How to Break Your Addiction to a Person by Howard M Halpern (Bantam
£6.62).
If you have a relationship question for Sally Brampton, e-mail sally.brampton@sunday-times.co.uk.
In case of publication, names will be withheld. We’re sorry, but Sally
cannot answer letters personally
20 no BF or GF till 25 I thing should be the rule.
KARMA, Mel AU , AU
That's good advice, and you can take it to heart. So many of us have been in your shoes. Please leave that man, and please be kind to yourself. You do deserve better, the only thing stopping you is your belief that you don't.
Tessa, Eurocka,