I have been in a dilemma, which has driven me to my wits’ end. My relationship has been going for nearly 10 years. Three years ago, we got engaged, but I discovered my partner had cheated on me. He was my first love and meant everything to me. I stuck by him, as I wasn’t ready to leave — physically or emotionally. I love him, but the relationship has been very damaged. Soon after I found out about the affairs, we broke up temporarily and I slept with another man. I became emotionally attached, seeing him on and off for a year, as well as staying with my partner. The relationship got quite intense. I believed I loved two men and could not choose. Not knowing what to do, I broke off the affair and concentrated on mending my relationship with my partner. Then I had an intense reconciliation with the other man, and I am again in a position where I cannot make a final decision. I’ve been having counselling for a year, and have also tried life coaching. I feel as if I’m going round in circles. Help.

This is just a hunch, based on your much longer letter, but I’m not sure you’re terrified of making a mistake. I think you’re terrified of being you. You think you’re not enough, so having two people needing you makes you feel whole.

You can’t make a decision, because you’re not focusing on the only person who can decide — you. I think there’s a sense in which you love being caught up in the middle of this drama. If you didn’t, you’d put an end to it. So why don’t you? Well, perhaps because, in the still, small voice of silence, you’d have to consider the really serious questions. What do I really want? What do I truly need? What is the meaning of love? What is the meaning of being me?

Is it love that you’re feeling, or simply a desperate need for attachment? Sometimes we confuse loving with being loved. Really, your actions are not loving. Love requires kindness, selflessness and a willingness to reveal ourselves completely to another person. That’s what intimacy means. Try it phonetically — “into-me-see”. Which of those men are you allowing to see you as you truly are? Probably neither. I suspect, instead, that you need other people to fix your identity.

Here’s an example. You leave, temporarily, the love of your life, who you say means “everything” to you. And in those fleeting few months of separation, you fall intensely in love with somebody else. How is that possible? How can there be space in your heart if your heart is already filled with “everything”? Did you look elsewhere because you were alone and could not bear to be unattached? Could it be that this is about not love, but a fear of aloneness?

Well, I’m going to raise the fear level even more by suggesting you don’t choose either of them. Instead, choose yourself. There are no kids involved. You are a free woman. Live on your own. Take six months out from both these men and find out who you are.

You need to be ruthlessly honest with yourself, because I suspect you’re good at manipulation. I don’t mean that unkindly: people who don’t know who they are generally are good at it. They need to manipulate other people in order to feed their identity. Keeping two people in thrall takes some manipulation. It certainly takes a lack of honesty. None of this is conscious. I’m sure you genuinely believe you are torn between the two, when in reality your lack of self-understanding is tearing you apart.

I’d guess you’ve also been manipulating the counsellor and life coach. You are so frightened of being on your own (and making a choice means being on our own, because nobody can make our choices for us) that you’re asking other people to tell you not only what to do but also who you are. That’s why neither counselling nor life coaching has helped. You are hoping someone else will fix you. You are not prepared to take responsibility for yourself, your life, your feelings or even your future. That’s why you’re writing to me, too, to tell you what to do.

Nobody can do that. A therapist certainly can’t. All a therapist can do is encourage us to know our true selves. The best therapist is ruthless. They see the truth in us and reflect it back. They make our feelings conscious — but only if we are honest enough to reveal ourselves fully. From there on, the hard work is down to us. We need to know ourselves in order to make honest choices. Facing up to the truth about ourselves is painfully hard work. Good therapy is not comfort and consolation; it is challenge and confrontation.

So I think you need to confront yourself. Take the focus off your lovers (neither of whom you are making happy) and put it on you. If that means being on your own, do it. It is only when we are alone that we find out who we truly are — as well as who and what we truly love.

If you have a relationship question for Sally Brampton, e-mail sally.brampton@sunday-times.co.uk. In case of publication, names will be withheld. We’re sorry, but Sally cannot answer letters personally

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