I am 41 and single. I had an episode of severe depression about a year ago, but am now on the mend, thanks to therapy, antidepressants and meditation. I’ve always thought of myself as a sociable, “good company” sort of girl with many good friends, but since my depression, I get anxious about parties. I’m fine at intimate dinners with people I know and even work dos, but I get freaked out about going to parties. Without wishing to sound arrogant, I am a bright, glamorous woman who is often described as vivacious and funny. I know I must go out and socialise – and I do want to. The thought of sitting at home feeling lonely isn’t a happy one. I would love to meet someone, and that isn’t going to happen if I always stay in. I have never been an addict, but I did use alcohol and cocaine as social props. Do you have any tips for getting over this fear that nobody will talk to me and that men will think I’m a sad, fortysomething, single girl? I want to be able to relax and enjoy the party season.

First, do remember that depressives are often super-bright, funny people – think of the number of comedians who are prone to this illness – but in order to be bright, we are sometimes cast into the dark. I call it my shadow side.

Second, you are recovering from a serious illness and are bound to feel fragile and vulnerable at times, so don’t beat yourself up. It takes time to recover confidence after a severe bout of depression. It is sometimes better to accept that we may be limited in what we can achieve – so long as we take care of ourselves and don’t sit around alone feeling guilty because we “ought” to be doing something. There are no “oughts”. That sort of rigid thinking is what gets depressives in trouble in the first place. A cup of tea, a face pack and a funny movie might do more for our spirits than a room full of drunken strangers. If that’s the case, do it, but don’t agonise over it.

Having said that, don’t use post-depression fragility as an excuse for staying home alone. It’s the worst thing we can do; human contact is the best, so long as we approach it wisely. A party is a celebration; the people giving it simply want their friends to have a good time. So try seeing it as that, as a blessing rather than a trial, but don’t put yourself in situations where you feel vulnerable. When recovering from depression, going to a party where you know nobody is not brave, it’s madness.

Arrange to go to the party with friends and you’ll be far less likely to bottle it and sit at home alone, feeling guilty. Ask your friends to keep an eye on you. Having people you can make constant, if fleeting, contact with will make you feel safe. Allow yourself the freedom to know that you can leave at any time, which will make you feel carefree rather than trapped and miserable. Don’t worry about slipping away (although do tell your friends), but don’t make a fuss. Nobody will mind (or even notice) unless you make a big deal of it. We tend to think we are the first thing on other people’s minds, whereas the brutal truth is, they are the first thing on their minds.

The same goes for not drinking – and alcohol is not a good idea. It’s a depressant and will disrupt an already disrupted head. Far from getting you happy, it is likely to send you low. Again, don’t make a fuss. If somebody hands you a glass of wine, take it. Then put it down and pick up a glass of water. I’m a depressive and I don’t drink, and I’ve never known it bother anyone other than people who have a problem with alcohol themselves. If somebody pesters you, just say, “I don’t like alcohol.” If they carry on, they’re either a bully, a bore or an alcoholic, and you don’t want to hang around with them anyway.

You may think you can’t manage without alcohol. I used to think that way too, but if you concentrate on putting other people at ease, you won’t notice your own self-consciousness. One of the best treatments for depression or low self-esteem is helping others. The buzz we get is called elevation and has been proved in endless tests to give the fuzzy, warm glow that alcohol can’t even touch. If there’s one thing everybody loves, it’s being asked about themselves. If depression has any lesson, it is compassion, so show some of that to the people around you and they will blossom like flowers. Underneath those confident facades, everyone is as afraid and fragile as you are. Remember that and you’ll be the life and soul. Enjoy.

If you have a relationship question for Sally, e-mail sally.brampton@sunday-times.co.uk. In case of publication, names will be withheld. We’re sorry, but Sally cannot answer letters personally

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