I am finding my husband harder and harder to live with. He is angry all the time and seems jealous of my relationship with the children. He says I do everything for our teenage daughter when he should be my first priority. He calls me names or says I’m old and ugly. It makes me defensive and jittery, which makes things even worse. A few months ago we discussed divorce; we decided not to, but haven’t solved the underlying problem – he is a perfectionist who is never satisfied, and I’m a wimp who wants everyone to be happy. But all I want is a happy family life and not to worry all the time. Please don’t tell me communication is the key. When I’m honest about my feelings, he criticises me for being weak. All my energy is consumed with work, not crying and keeping angry enough not to give in to him again. Outside my family, I am confident and successful. I loved my husband very much for many years, but I don’t know if I love him any more. What would you do if you were a coward like me, in a mess like this?

I don’t think you’re a coward. Anger is terrifying, particularly in those we love. We prefer to avoid it, but, sometimes, avoidance perpetuates a cycle: the angrier your husband gets, the more you avoid him emotionally; the more you avoid him, the angrier he gets. Anger is attention-seeking, and right now your husband is successfully commanding your full attention. He means it when he says he wants to be your first priority. He’s even battling it out with his own children, which seems to indicate a high level of desperation or distress.

I’m not sure that your analysis of the problem as “perfectionist meets people-pleaser” is quite right. Those may be your character styles, but you seem to have accommodated your differences quite happily for 20 years. So what has changed in his situation or in your relationship? You say it’s been going on for a couple of years. Try to think what might have happened to make him so unhappy. Anger is often a mask for intense fear. Some men suffer badly from a fear of ageing – of no longer being a contender, or feeling redundant. His need to control you and the children seems to say he’s trying to hang on to respect or status through bullying. It could also be that he is depressed. Classic symptoms are anger and irritability, particularly in men. There is also a school of thought that believes that in mid-life men suffer hormonal changes, known as the andropause or male menopause, which are linked to a drop in testosterone and profoundly affect mood.

This is a man you have loved very much for a long time. As for not being sure you love him now, I suspect you mean you don’t like him much. We are allowed not to like those we love when they are behaving badly; we wouldn’t be human if we didn’t. But the fact that you both pulled back from the brink of divorce seems to say that love is not lost.

What is lost is mutual understanding. I don’t think communication is the key as much as a bit of straight-talking. Anger has consequences; that’s the bottom line. For your husband, it could mean the end of a long and happy marriage, or it may mean the loss of the love of a child. Those are terrifying consequences. Here’s another: your husband’s hostility towards your daughter could have a profound effect on her emotional stability, not to mention her future intimate relationships. Trying to make up for his failings by siding with her won’t help. It may even make things worse by causing an imbalance in the family dynamic (something your husband is obviously aware of) and driving them even further apart. She needs her own, separate relationship with her father. He needs to be made aware of that, but gently. Try not telling him your feelings. Listen to his instead. I don’t for a minute believe he is happy about his behaviour. Anger fills us with guilt and shame. He sounds like a man who fears being seen as weak, and so is unable to ask for your help; but help is what he needs.

Finally, do be sure you’re being entirely honest. He may be Mr Angry, but I wonder if you, “the wimp who wants everyone to be happy”, might be what Mike Fisher, in his book Beating Anger, calls the distancer: “The classic quality of the distancer is to do everything possible to avoid conflict.” In other words, you hide anger under a smiling compliance. Compliance is as hard to get past as anger, and that rejection enrages him. These are just suggestions to think about, and a couple of books that might help. Hard as it is, try to approach him in a spirit of love. Withdrawal, avoidance or retreating into your children will make him feel excluded. When we feel excluded, we feel afraid, and fear drives anger.

Helpful reading: The Irritable Male Syndrome – Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression by Jed Diamond (Rodale £12.99); Beating Anger – The Eight Point Plan for Coping with Rage by Mike Fisher (Rider £7.99)

If you have a relationship question for Sally, e-mail sally.brampton@sunday-times.co.uk. In case of publication, names will be withheld. We’re sorry, but Sally cannot answer letters personally

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