I am 34, fairly attractive, but have not been in a meaningful relationship since I was 20. My first and only boyfriend betrayed me, leaving me shattered and depressed. My twenties were spent in a grey fog and I often felt suicidal. I was lucky enough to get counselling at university and also when I started work. At my lowest point, I was on antidepressants. Since moving to London, I have a new-found sense of happiness, but I can’t seem to deal with the longing to be with someone. In retrospect, I was not in the right frame of mind to be in a relationship (let alone attract a suitable partner) until three years ago. Despite my positive outlook, nobody seems interested in pursuing me. I have cultivated healthy, platonic relationships with men, some of whom have become my dearest friends, but finding a companion to share my life eludes me. I have come to the point where I have chosen to accept whatever the outcome is. That said, the ache to be with someone all but consumes me. I look forward to being a wife and a mother, but worry it may never happen.

I wonder if this has to do with the men you meet or whether, perhaps, it is more about the signals you are giving out, or have been giving out. You have only recently recovered from severe, long-term depression. All emotional disorders are self-centred. Not our fault, but they shut us down to the point where we are unable to connect with other people. The first sign of good health is a willingness to reach out to others and establish relationships.

That’s what you’re doing right now, so good for you.

Friendships and a strong social network are the best possible defence against future depression. They are also the way that we learn to be properly intimate, and it sounds as if that’s the process you’re going through, so what’s needed now is patience.

Here’s an idea to think about. You were badly betrayed when you were 20 and that loss – of attachment, trust, confidence and faith in others – pushed you into depression. The root cause of depression is almost always to do with loss. The fact that it took only one failed relationship to send you so low seems to say that your confidence around other people and intimacy is not very secure. You have had to learn, the hard way, how to build relationships and are slowly coming to understand men and intimacy by forming strong friendships.

Your twenties, as you say, were spent in a “grey fog”, and you refused to allow anybody to get close. During those years, you missed out on the chance to grow emotionally. They were, if you like, lost years, so you have some learning to catch up on. What others were doing in their twenties, you are doing now. If you are comparing yourself (“I should have a boyfriend by now; I should be getting married and having kids; there’s something wrong with me”), then please don’t. There is no right time or age to find a significant connection with another human being. We are all different. We grow emotionally at different rates, so comparing ourselves to others is futile. Making comparisons, research shows, is also the fastest track to unhappiness.

So try to be kinder to yourself and look at what you do have in your life, rather than what you don’t. As someone inclined to depression, you need to watch a tendency to become obstinate in your negativity – as in your phrase, “I have chosen to accept whatever the outcome is.” There’s a world of difference between that sort of gauntlet-flinging acceptance and simply taking (and enjoying) life as it comes.

Yes, love will happen. When? Who knows, but at least you have only one, youthful failed relationship under your belt. At your age, others have experienced broken marriages and have kids to think of (and console), so perhaps you should be thanking the heavens, or whomever, that you have been spared a string of broken relationships and the misery those bring.

The counselling has obviously helped you hugely, but you might want to think about the reasons your previous relationship sent you so low and how you might do things differently the next time around. Examine, too, whether you have a need to attach yourself to somebody because you don’t feel complete in yourself. When we are not emotionally whole, we mistakenly expect other people to supply that lack.

In your letter, you use the words, “ache, longing, consume”, and those suggest a desperation that may show up as neediness.

You could explore the roots of that neediness and try considering, through some reading, what a healthy relationship really means, and what you are prepared to give, rather than to be given. I really do believe that when we’re ready, the right people turn up in our lives. It may not be when we think we’re ready (most of us can’t see ourselves too clearly), but when others instinctively sense it. So be patient and take heart; happiness is something we make rather than something we are given, and, slowly and quietly, you are making yours.

The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm (Thorsons £8.99) If you have a relationship question for Sally, e-mail sally.brampton@sunday-times.co.uk. In case of publication, names will be withheld.

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