I had been happily married for 14 years and thought my wife was the best thing that ever happened to me. However, about three years ago (at my request, thinking there wasn’t much to be said), she told me about her previous sexual partners. It destroyed me, and I don’t know why.

At the beginning, I thought it would go away, but my sadness is stronger than ever. I get recurrent images of her with other men and feel as if she really did cheat on me. I knew I wasn’t the first man in her life, but I never imagined there had been 10 previously, one of whom was married. I’ve read a lot about relationships and psychology, but still don’t have a clue about my reaction. I wish she hadn’t been so candid and had done what I understand is common practice: lie. Unfortunately, I know I sound chauvinistic and full of machismo, but I can honestly assure you I’m not. I really want to be married to this extraordinary woman and just need my feelings and intrusive thoughts to go away, so we can carry on with our lives.

I’m sure you know I’m going to say that your feelings have nothing to do with your wife or her sexual past. Her “past” is just what that word implies — over and finished with. What is horribly present is your jealousy.

Aunt Sally: I am 30 and in a relationship that fills me with pain, anxiety and restlessness

The more the avoidant shuts down, the needier the addict becomes

BACKGROUND

• Aunt Sally: I haven’t had sex with my husband for months

• Aunt Sally: He talks a lot about his ex

• Why can’t I stop being horrible to men who like me?

Jealousy is one of the most powerful emotions. It is also one of the most destructive, both to our own happiness and that of those we love. And it is love (or perhaps an exaggerated notion of love) that seems to be the real issue here. It sounds from your letter as if you have built unreal expectations around your wife. She is the “best thing that ever happened to you”. She is an “extraordinary woman”. Those appear to be charmingly romantic sentiments, but they carry a dangerous sting.

If she is the best thing that ever happened to you, then, obviously, the worst thing that could ever happen would be if she was taken away. So it’s hardly surprising you’re carrying those imaginary rivals in your head. You are obsessing over your worst fear. Jealousy is a potent combination of fear and anger — fear that the thing we love most will be taken away and anger that we might be powerless to stop it.

Those unreal expectations you have built around your wife might also mean you have put her on a pedestal. You have objectified her, made her into a valuable and beautiful object. She has become a thing that might be taken from you, rather than being just another human being (messy, insecure, flawed), who is in an equal relationship with you. Also, if you have made her more important than you, you have made yourself less important than her. Stay with me — there’s a point to this.

According to evolutionary psychology, there are good reasons for jealousy. The main one is to hang on to our mates for reasons of procreation. The selfish gene wants to survive. So, if you feel less than her, unconscious logic dictates that you believe she has better mating options. Your unconscious is looking for rivals. They might be well in her past, but your fear makes them all too present. In other words, what this is really about is your feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth. You need to get both yourself and your relationship right-sized.

Let’s start with your relationship. Your wife chose you. It took her a while to find you, but, as the saying goes, you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince. Her past may have involved a few too many frogs for your liking, but that was her journey. She is not hanging on to that journey; she is hanging on to you, just as she has done for the past 14 years.

Now for those feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth you have. You may not even be aware of them and, because they are difficult and painful emotions to face up to, unconsciously, you may have looked around for a place to park them. The mind is a wonderfully inventive thing and yours has found a string of former lovers who are no more important to your wife than the old coats or handbags she was once briefly attached to. To her, they are about as lifeless and uninteresting as that. To you, they are a threat — they are better than you, more powerful than you, more virile than you. They are not. They are not even former lovers. They are emotions such as inadequacy, shame, fear, worthlessness and terror of abandonment (take your pick) given human form.

If you want to change things, perhaps you might try making her a little less extraordinary and yourself a little more extraordinary. You need to bring things back into balance. The best way to do that would be through counselling. I know that, to you, this feels like a problem of overwhelming proportions but, honestly, it’s not. It’s the jealousy that feels overwhelming, not the situation. Do some work on your core beliefs (the deep-seated, unconscious opinions we all hold) with a cognitive behavioural therapist and get things in proportion. And, remember, she chose you. You absolutely are good enough.

If you have a relationship question for Sally, e-mail sally.brampton@ sunday-times.co.uk. In case of publication, names will be withheld. We’re sorry, but Sally cannot answer letters personally

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