My girfriend of three months still has text messages in her phone from two ex boyfriends, this obviously irritates me. by sally's reckoning then she is not over her past but still holding onto it and has not actively chosen me therefore i should get rid of her.

Correct me if i am wrong?!?!

Richard, belfast,

bob, you should be ashamed of yourself, this man obviously loves this woman but everyone has flaws, love is just an emotion that sees past them and connects with the person in question anyway for other qualities.
dont be a hypocrite mate, im sure you slept with people before you met your wife...

Jason, Newcaslte upon Tyne,

How different would the advice have been were the gender roles reversed? Rule #1; place guilt on the man. i.e. in this case, jealousy.

Howard, Manchester,

Sorry, Bob, but I think you have it wrong. The wifes past is exactly the PAST. She chose him, and has been with him for 14 years. We all have pasts and baggage and if you cannot deal with it, you shouldn't get married in the first place. Come on, we are adults not teenagers.

Beanie, Sydney, Australia

Sally's right.

It's so easy to elevate women to unrealistic positions in relationships which is unfair on both of you!

The idol u worshipped has crumbled but was never real!

You must accept this and realise ur own equality with her.

And this should lead to a happier, healthier future!

Nathan, Cambbridge, UK

She was kind to him and she lied to make him feel better. She said only 10.

savo, london, uk

Lots of women really enjoy sex. Usually in their late 20's onwards.
10 partners is normal if you ask me. Men forget the importance of romance in a long term relationship - they don't help enough with the children/housework so wifes are tired and go off sex (with their husbands anyway)

Claire, Bucks,

I can say that i was not one of the tenth...

Miles, Lisbon,

what's there to forgive and forget? that she wasn't a virgin before marriage? Hmm let me just check the calendar...no, still 2008..

L.M, Stockholm,

Why is this jealousy? I find that a very stupid comment. The poor fella feels insecure, in a way perhaps only another man can understand. This cannot be 'talked away' like its some kind of emotional error, because it isn't. It cuts the male psyche, just as women get hurt in various female ways.

Joe, Manchester,

I´ve been through the same thing and agree totally with what Sally says. The only way to solve this is to address your own insecurity. I went to a phsycologist which helped me to gain a sense of persepective, to gently take my wife off the pedestal and to step up myself to the podium with her

John, Madrid, Spain

Let's see, 10 guys? If we assume that she became sexually active at 16 and you two got together when she was, I dunno, 26, then that would be 2 guys a year. That's hardly shocking, is it.

M. R., stockport,

To Boon/Bob, you're unbelievable. Discard her? She hasn't done anything TO him; she had a life before him! And she loves him enough to cherish him faithfully. If she had slept with 110 before meeting him, it still wouldn't be the point. And Boon: "used goods"? Hope you don't live in a glass house

M, Leeds,

Steve from London

Leave her you are only 42 your best years are still ahead of you, we should be happy in life as we are only here for a short time.

Gary Grand, Norwich, England

He asked a question, she gave a straight answer and he can't cope with it? After 14 (presumably faithful) years, it's all way in the past. What happened before they met made both of them the people they got to know. If you don't want the truth, don't ask in the first place! Respect her honesty.

Sarah , Bad Liebenstein, Germany

"I wish she ...had done what I believe is common practice:lie"
What makes you think she didn't? Probably slept with twenty before you!

paula, barcelona,

In a sense this chap has had a dose of reality which shows him how easily he could be replaced. I think it's often helpful to look at unwelcome emotions with the help of evolutionary psychology - it helps us understand why they arise. If he wishes to save his marriage, CBT might be a good option.

Gerard, London, UK

It's not about an inadequate self - rather disappointment that the woman you are with hasn't matched up to your expectations. Yes, Turner from Fife, grow up and realise most men don't want 'used goods'. Question: after 14 years is it less painful to 'settle' for her or keep looking for your ideal?..

Boon, London,

I suggest a threesome.

Ronald, London, UK

Bob, are you for real? Why should he leave his wife because of things which happened before they met? Don't you think most relationships are between people with previous relationships? Do you think men should only marry virgins? And deny themselves what could otherwise be an ideal partnership?

S. Turner, Fife, UK

so, what have we learnt? women don't like sex. all men are rapists. she hates her past lovers. she probably hates you. you should buy her some shoes. as for aunt sally saying past lovers are no more important than shoes..... that was just cruel. get some really nice shoes.

jem, london, uk

Bob has a point, this event will never leave your thoughts it will resurface and resurface. As with my night mare of finding my wife in bed with my best mate i stayed thinking i could get over the event. but after thirty years and the last child is going to college, it's still causing tension.

Stephen, Coventry,

Oh, please, get over it. I would guess most women have slept with more than 10 partners in their lives, unless they got married a virgin at the age of 16. This guy should be pleased instead -- she slept with those guys, but only HE was good enough for her to stay with. He should feel privileged.

Mirella, London,

Work through a process of forgiving her (in yourself, not by telling her - that may just cause an argument), and it'll open up the best chance to reconnect with her.

Bob of Eccles - don't give up the day job!

John, London,

Men will attempt to 'big up' their sexual exploits and women will downplay - normally.

Steve, this is normal. Many, many married men I've spoken to want sex, never mind to have the choice of more sex. There seemed to be a rush to become part of a group of 'marrieds' on the part of most people.

John, London,

i really believe that u r asking the wrong person here..not me but Sally. you will definitely get that kind of answer from a woman..since she is defending her fellow sex. if it was the guys they would never get away with it since women will forgive but never FORGET!!.take it from me..LEAVE YOUR WIFE

Bob Paisley, eccles, england

Our suffering is in our heads. We obsess about real or imagined wrongs long after the event, long after the perpetrators have forgotten them. We must learn to live in the moment, where the past has no power.That gives us a good present and a better future. Reality is constant change, stop clinging.

Faustino, Brisbane, Australia

After a number of years of marriage my wife told me that she "didn't really like sex". This made me feel like I'd been effectively forcing myself on her and she only tolerated it in order to have children. We stay together for them but I'm 42 now and haven't had sex since I was 35. Moody.

Steve, London, UK