Two years ago, I had an affair, which resulted in us both leaving and being divorced by our respective spouses. We are still deeply in love, although not living together. My ex has a new relationship and we are now on good terms. My boyfriend’s ex also has a new relationship and says she is happy, but often flares up in anger, which fills my boyfriend with guilt. I try to stay out of it, but recently asked him how she feels about me and he says she is still very angry. We discussed if I should say sorry, but he doesn’t know how she will react. I have never expressed regret to her, although we haven’t been in contact for more than a year. The last time we spoke, I was defensive and probably aggressive because I was in the wrong and feeling guilty. Two years later, I don’t know what to do. I don’t regret what happened, but am sorry for causing her so much grief and heartache. Would it be insulting and pointless to apologise now? She might slam down the phone and be more upset, and my boyfriend would suffer.

I am a great believer in making amends, if at all possible. I also believe we should respect another person’s feelings. If somebody is angry as a direct consequence of our actions, then we should respect their right to be angry. We should also tolerate their need to dislike or even hate us. Of course, we hope that time will eventually temper those emotions and we can express regret.

However, as it is always uncomfortable to know somebody hates us, I wonder how much of your desire to apologise is about your own discomfort? Of course she’s angry.

You scarcely needed to ask your boyfriend how she feels. The fact you did, particularly asking about her feelings towards you, seems to suggest that some of your concern might be self-interest. Is this really about making her feel better or is it about making yourself feel better because you find it difficult to tolerate the idea of somebody being angry with you?

I know that sounds harsh when you want only to apologise, but it’s terribly important to be honest about your motivation. An apology that lacks genuine regret can do more harm than good. People always sense insincerity, even when we are not conscious of it ourselves, so an apology made purely to keep the peace (or to make somebody like us) can generate more anger and resentment.

People fall in love without our permission. It happens and it hurts. It hurts like hell, and one of the ways we deal with extreme pain is through anger. It may be that your boyfriend’s ex needs to be angry to get through a difficult time. Anger helps us to move forward. Her anger may also be connected to grief and mourning the end of a marriage. It could also, possibly, be bound up with regret. She may feel she didn’t pay sufficient attention to her relationship, perhaps she let the physical side of things slide or allowed irritability to become a fixture in their emotional life. She may feel bad about that, and the point about bad feelings is that we want to be rid of them, so we displace them onto others in the form of blame or self-righteous anger — just as you did the last time you spoke to her.

Then again, she might simply be filled with rage at you for stealing her man. Who knows where her anger is really coming from? The point is, you’re unlikely to change her feelings with a phone call. In fact, it might simply be unkind. Phone calls are so intrusive. There we are, happily going about our business, when the phone rings and it’s the ex-husband’s girlfriend (unexpected and uninvited) wanting to be friends. We are unprepared, bereft of our usual emotional armour. Our response may not reveal the best of us, and the shame of being discovered to be emotional and vulnerable can make us angrier still.

It is always better to apologise face to face, but that’s not always possible. In this situation, a better way might be a letter. That would challenge you to really consider your intentions by setting them down in black and white. For her part, it would give her the space to read the letter, rip it up, burn it or even reply — whatever she feels like doing. The point is, she could do it in the privacy of her own home.

If it is a response you’re after, you quite possibly won’t get one. Or, if you do, it may not be the one you want. The point of expressing regret in this situation is not to attach any sort of expectation to the outcome — of forgiveness, improved relations or feeling better about your own behaviour. So, if what you want to do is simply apologise to another human being for causing them pain, a letter could be the way to go. It should be done with the utmost respect. She has a right to process her anger — in her own time and in her own way.

If you have a relationship question for Sally, e-mail sally.brampton@sunday-times.co.uk . In case of publication, names will be withheld. We’re sorry, but Sally cannot answer letters personally

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