I am 34 and feel I’ve run out of time. Three long- term relationships ended because my partners were happy to live with me, but not interested in marriage or children (with me). Since the last one, I’ve felt very disillusioned. I haven’t been chatted up, let alone asked on a date. A generation ago, men were expected to make the first move, but that doesn’t happen any more. I’m facing the prospect of never finding love again and it hurts terribly. I have no passion for anything other than starting a proper family. It’s what I’m made for. I don’t see myself as weak or dependent, but I spend every day waiting for this person so I can start building the future I really want. I put myself out there and believe I’m approachable. I have good friends and try different challenges, but it’s dull. I’m fairly confident that I don’t appear desperate. Perhaps I do have a need for someone to trust and fall back on, but isn’t that natural? I don’t hate myself for wanting to love and be loved. The thought of online or speed-dating is too depressing, and I don’t think they offer any answers.

I am not going to take the line, “There’s more to life than finding a man.” To you, it seems there is no more to life. The question is, what are you going to do once you’ve got one? You say you have no passion for anything other than starting a family, so, obviously, you believe that marriage and children will make you happy and satisfied. Fair enough, but happy and satisfied for ever?

We need some sort of interior life if we are to be happy. If we focus all our ambitions on other people, we are never able to discover ourselves. And, if we are reliant on others for our happiness, what happens when they make other plans? The only certainty in life is change. Nothing stays the same, good or bad. A marriage may fail. Children will grow up and leave and, if they are to be the happy, confident individuals we want our kids to be, must be encouraged to become absorbed into the excitement and wonder of their own lives.

Where will that leave you? And what will you and your husband have in common, other than the kids? We like to be proud of our partners and that’s a tough call if their only achievement or interest is us. It’s a heavy burden to make another human being responsible not simply for our happiness but for our very existence. As for your future children, in what way will they be able to feel proud of you? Just for being a great mum? I hate to shatter anyone’s illusions, but they expect that anyway. It matters to kids to be able to feel proud of their parents as interesting individuals and people in their own right. Perhaps you have an absorbing passion such as medieval history, but my fear is that one day you’ll wake up, look around and say, “Is this all?” Worse, one day your husband and kids may wake up and look at you and say, “Is that all?”

For your own sake, do try to look at the bigger picture. The happy ever after doesn’t start at the altar. That’s pure, romantic fiction. As for the present, you say you’re not dependent — yet you seem completely dependent on someone (whom you have not even met) for your happiness. You write as if you’ve put your life on hold, like Sleeping Beauty waiting for her prince to rescue her. And, rather like that Beauty, you appear to be sound asleep or, at least, so inert that you can’t lift a finger to make the future happen. If you want it as badly as you say you do, it might be a good idea to put a little effort into it.

Why must a man make the first move? Stereotypes are shifting and surely that’s a good thing. Men are no better at facing rejection with an easy heart than women. If either sex is fragile, I’d say it was the male of the species. Just look at the figures on suicide and alcoholism. Perhaps, unconsciously, you won’t make the first move because you don’t see men as people but as husband material. With those expectations, nobody is ever going to be good enough. We are capable of many different relationships. Good friendships, for a start. How about inviting a man out and idling away an hour over a cup of coffee? So what if it comes to nothing? It might add an hour of pleasure or interest to your life. People are fascinating, and always surprising. Or, at least, they are if we don’t box them in with fixed preconceptions. You might say the same of online dating. It’s only depressing if you see it that way. It’s a practical solution to a difficult question — in this intensely busy and fragmented age, how do we meet people? It’s only when we load it with unrealistic promises that it becomes disappointing.

Of course it’s natural to want to love and be loved. However, it’s also sensible to start by learning to live with and love ourselves. If you do that, and stop waiting to be rescued, one day your prince will surely come.

If you have a relationship question for Sally, e-mail sally.brampton@sunday-times.co.uk. In case of publication, names will be withheld. We’re sorry, but Sally cannot answer letters personally

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